I've Been Dumped

Holy shite, 2 posts in one day!!

I have just been trawling the internet catching up on some buddies in blogland.

I say some because of a couple of reasons:

a) Bloglines has gone and changed itself and I it wouldn't "migrate" most of my blogs I follow

b) Nearly 50% of the blogs I follow on my blogger google connect thingy have disappeared or I have been bumped off the "invited to read" list.

So, if any of you are out there and I haven't popped by your blog today, it is because of one of those reasons.

Please leave me a comment so I can get to your blogs and if you got rid of me because I never commented for the year I was banished to dial up internet land, then bloody well invite me back thanks:

jandbnathan@xtra.co.nz

Christmas Time, Mistletoe and Wine .....

Well, let's say no mistletoe and heaps of wine.

I have been averaging 4 bottles a week in the lead up to Christmas.

Brilliant!!

Loving it.

Had a great but extremely hard work out this morning with my little pommy personal trainer from hell.

Sweated like a pig.

We have settled in to life on the "farm" quite well. Now have two horses, two kune kune piglets, 2 roosters, 1 goldfish, one cat and two dogs. Mad.

Am looking at Nuskin/Pharmanex as a possible work from home option, anyone know much about it?

New House New Beginnings

It's happened - finally!!

I have a new place to live.

It's huge and it's less than ten years old, on ten acres of which we can use every little bit.

Loving it, views right out to Christchurch City and the Port Hills in the distance, magical views at night.

Views of the mountains which are nice and close.

Only 800m from the kids' school.

Have eight bedrooms plus a full sized office, four bathrooms and four car garage and all for only $350 a week.

Have set up a playroom for the girls and a gym/excercise room.

Start a new job (unpaid) on Monday morning for a couple of mornings a week with one of NZ's top endurance riders and breeders. She offered me to come learn with her and I am jumping at the chance. All is good.

Have had sad news this week, a friend's ex husband committed suicide on Monday. He left behind a near 4 year old and a bitter divorce battle. RIP CB!!

Jxx

A Decade of Disease

I have been diseased for a decade.

On 4th of November 2000 I weighed 91.5 kg.

From then on I only got heavier.

Today is the 7th of September 2010 and I weigh around 106 kg.

I refuse to enter my next decade of life obese.

So I declare that by 4th November 2010 I will be under 91.5kg again and start my next ten years of life in a healthier state.

That is all.

On the Fence

It's a very hard place to be - sitting on the fence. As a friend pointed out, it's uncomfortable and all you end up with is chaffed thighs.

I am actually sitting on a junction of fences, you know, where four paddocks' fences meet? I'm straddling the part that is in the corner of each paddock. I could fall four different ways. Each paddock has it's own merits. There is something attractive in each one. If I fall into one, will I want to stay there? Will I find the grass greener in the other paddocks? Will I end up back straddling the junction? Will someone surround that paddock with electric fencing and will I be stuck there? Will the grazing in one paddock suit me but maybe not suit my family so much? Would they be better off if I was in the other paddock with the red clover? Am I aiming for a paddock that's pasture is really too rich for my calibre?

OMG the analogies!!!!

Paddock One has me going to work, either part or full time. Sian is 4 soon. Thinking about doing some office work and maybe part time studying over the next couple of years in officey type stuff. Is there enough opportunity in my district, would I have to travel to Chch? Could be more financially viable option.

Paddock Two has me going back to Uni. Studying for a professional qualification and having a career. My leaning is towards Psychology. And not just the basic degree but going the whole clinical route, and maybe even Educational Psych or Forensic. I am so interested in it. Would have to travel the 40 mins to classes at Uni in Chch.

Paddock Three has me going for my original love - equine, following on from this year's withdrawal, doing the Equine course and then finding a job here in the immediate area. Study is close, easy and full of fitness. Jobs pretty easy to come by and my love for it would never see me bored.

Paddock Four is the chill paddock. I forget it all for the next couple of years. Be an at home Mum and maybe study some interest papers, nothing full on, just potter. Get back into my art, sew some shit, and concentrate on home baking and being a good Mum. But, can I be a good Mum if I am not stimulated in some way, shape or form??

Maybe I am just not worth grazing, maybe I should be euthanized and sent to the meat works. LOL.

Any ideas?

Twice in a Month

Drastic I know.

Meds have kicked in, I feel real again.

Do you know what I really struggle with?

I struggle with letting people around me trivialising my depression. I let them say things like "be positive", "pick yourself up", "pull yourself up by your bootstraps", "onwards and upwards" and other stupid shite.

So many people know about depression but so few of you really know what it is.

So, in your words, what is depression? I don't want to run anyone down, I just want to get a feel for what people's perceptions of my illness are.

Holy Shit ...

it's August and it's still a rough month.

It's been a bad year so far.

I am in throes of a major depressive attack.

On new meds.

Suicidal.

Getting there.

Need to make a decision, find a track to plod and just do it.

**sigh**