Looking Inside My Head #1

I had my first counselling session on Friday.

It was so enlightening.

I met the counsellor, Jo, who was so easy to get on with. We chatted and went through a tiny bit of my history and filled in the ACC form and she came up with a bit of a diagnosis.

She thinks my anti depressants aren't really working as well as they should be and she also told me I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was a bit dubious but then she explained herself.

Earlier in the session she had asked me how aware of my surroundings I was. Quite proudly I informed her that I had often thought that I would be a good detective because I always remember and take note of things around me. For instance, I was driving down West Belt last Wednesday night at about 7pm and I saw a blonde girl with a ponytail, short skirt (part of the Rangiora High School uniform), no jacket on even though it was drizzling and cold, listening to an iPod. She was walking North and I noted the time to be 7.22pm (I picked up my cellphone to check it). She had just walked past a white car on her side of the road and it was at about the point where she would be opposite the two storeyed pale yellow house with the circle shutters on the 2nd storey.

My counsellor had looked at me with a wierd expression when I had gone into so much detail. But that is just one of so many I could retell. She explained at the end that this is PTSD. That I am hypersensitve and hyperaware of what goes on around me as I am always on the defensive.

That was interesting to me.

When I first got diagnosed with depression was when Ben was 2. My aunty had died of bone cancer in the September and I had gotten engaged in the October. It was 2002. I wasn't coping that well. Had lost my job in the June due to restructuring, I had loved that job. I was working in a dementia unit doing the 5pm - 11pm shift. It was mad. One day Blair said something a little bit on the grumpy side. I cried and cried and cried, and could not stop. I went to Mum and Dad's later in the day and said I was worried that I couldn't stop crying. My tonsils had been removed about a month earlier and I had bled out twice and ended back in hospital twice. I was convinced by my father that I had depression and that I needed to go to the doctor. I went the next day and cried my heart out to my darling doctor. He went on to explain that he himself has depression and knows when it is out of balance because if he has fewer patients than normal he is convinced that no one likes him anymore, not the more realistic explanation that people are just healthier that week!!

At this time I went under Pysch Emergency Services and got some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. At the time I mentioned the sexual assault and the pyschologist had told me that CBT was a different thing and I would be better at looking at some further counselling for that issue. I never did. I fell pregnant with Phoebe and had to come off the meds. I coped, sometimes only just, during that pregnancy and then plodded along through some ups and downs, as we all do.

Then I got mentally ill again, see this post for recollection, and ended up back on the same anti depressant. I have plodded along since but never really feel 100%.

As I went through the initial interview with the counsellor she asked a lot of questions regarding the sexual assault. She was worried that I didn't seem to recognise it as out and out rape and she spelt it out for me that it was. She thinks that the fact that one of the offenders moved into the same street as us at the end of 2002 has more to do with the reason I got full blown depression than the other factors. She thinks I have a way of putting the bad things to the back of my reality but they are controlling it.

I already feel better knowing that I can justifiably label my assault as rape. I am on the way to becoming a better person. It's time for me to start letting go and releasing the fat suit that hides me away.

A New House and a ME ME

So I got my new house, move in on 8th May.

Hip hip hooray!!

This is the view of it from the lawn:





And this is looking out to the lawn:





Yay for having some bloody room to breathe!!

The bootylicious Kitty has tagged me and I thought I had better not be rude so here goes:


Rulage:

1. You must include this link to Sex Talk - Sex Advice for Men.
2. You must answer every question! If you don’t have a good answer, you are strongly encouraged to make up something good; we like to be entertained.
3. You must tag three people.

1. Sex in the Morning or Sex at Night?
I love sex anytime but there is nothing like early morning pumpings!!


2. Better Sex Music - Sade or Marvin Gaye?
It's been a long time since I've bothered with music and neither would be suitable for my "love you long times".

3. Naughty Pics or Naughty Home Videos?
Pics, but god forbid my kids ever find them!!

4. Fabulous Sex With: Dr Doug Ross or Dr Greg House?
Who is Doug Ross? Have no idea. House?? Well I wouldn't do him either although love his tude!!

5. Vibrator or Dildo?
Haven't tried a dildo, love the silver bullet, but the buzzing is a bit off putting and hard to have a sneaky masty when the flatmates are in the house

6. Bedroom Sex: Lights Off or Lights On?
I like a little bit of distant light but not too much

7. Word Preference: Pussy or Cunt?
Pussy, the other one is harsh.

8. Spanking Over the Knee or Spanking Only During Sex?
I love getting my butt whacked during the deed.

9. More Exciting: Sex in an Elevator or Sex in an Aeroplane?
Neither, I don't like small places


10. Ron Jeremy or Peter North?
I don't know who Peter North is and there is no way in hell I would let Ron Jeremy touch me with anything. Oooooh yuck

12. Linda Lovelace or Jenna Jameson?
Jenna, she amps it up

13. Rope Bondage or Bondage Tape?
silky scarf or handcuffs

14. Give Rim Job or Receive Anal Sex?
I don't get off on the poo jab so definitely the first

15. Get Rich Stripping in a Skanky Bar or Get Rich as a Call Girl for Celebs?
Stripping but I don't think many people would pay to see me in all my glory

16. Which Threesome - Boy/Girl/Girl or Boy/Boy/Girl?
BGG

17. Flavoured Oil or Tingling Oil?
Tingling

18. Pearl Necklace or Swallow?
Swallow

19. Sex While Strangers Watch or Sex With a Stranger?
Both in my dreams!!

20. Tied to the Bed or to a St Andrew’s Cross?
The bed!!

I'm tagging...Becks, Mellissa and Lynda (purely to raise your G Rating!!)

Confessional

I never understood how judgemental people can be. I thought I did, especially being overweight and dealing with that stigma. But having my head shaved has made me realise how REALLY judgemental the world can be. I have had nothing but glares since I went bald. People move away from me and openly show their disgust at me. I am really appalled. I will never look at somebody with a different hairstyle or outfit or piercings or anything with disdain again. I am a lovely person fuck it all so give me the damn respect I deserve.

I have to confess that I have been such a fucken slackarse that I really deserve to be kicked off my course. I received my units a couple of months ago, Phoebe went into Montessori three afternoons a week and I haven't done a smidgen of bloody work. I will be lucky not to be kicked off the course. Granted I have been sick for a couple of weeks, which always puts you off doing anything head wise, but I have never been so slack before. AAARRGGGHHH.


I am looking at a bigger house. We are in a small 3 bdrm rental and it is so little that I am going insane. There isn't room to swing a cat. I have found one and am just waiting for the realestate agent to find me a time to view it, although I'm pretty sure I will take it, has 4 brdms, rumpus room, 4 car garaging a is set on two titles so is a large section. It is $130 more a week than we pay now but the place we are in was a temporary situation while we built, then while we waited to move to Aussie and with nothing else impending on the horizon now, I need some space. I am worried about making the move as Blair's job is not guaranteed past August due to the slowing market but we will make it work, damn it, we made it work 4 years ago when we were on much less income paying $350 a week so $380 shouldn't be too bad??

I spend too much bloody time reading blogs so have decided to cut it down a bit. If I don't comment it doesn't mean I ain't reading once a week or so but I just can't continue at this rate. I am even getting a wrist problem from it. And is one of the main reasons there is no study happening.

Bald Eagle

I did it. Raised $745 and am absolutely blown away by all the support of my blogger buddies. You guys absolutely rock and I give praise and thanks to every one of you.

How does it feel to have no hair? Strangely liberating!! I feel free from hair hassles, really I do!!

Cleanly Shaven

Get your minds out of the gutter people!!

I have decided to get my head out of my own arse and do something for others.




On April 13th I will shave my hair bald to help raise funds for the Leukaemia & Blood Foundation of NZ.

Go here: Shave for a Cure

and sponsor me to shave me head. All funds go towards research, patient support etc and this is a well worthwhile cause.

Or you can go to www.shaveforacure.co.nz and search my name (Julie Nathan) so you can sponsor me (that's if you haven't figured out how to click on the link above).

When I was in my second year of school I had a wee boyfriend Matthew and he got leukaemia and died and this is my way of saying "I still remember you!".

So sponsor away, let your friends know and even advertise my plight on your blog, together we can all hopefully raise some good money for some good people.

Thanks in advance for you support.