Wednesday, January 30, 2008

What Would You Do?

With the impending move to the Coast of Sunshine we have the dilemma over whether we take the resident Nutbar with us.

Blair is adamant we do.

I am a bit up in the air. I love her to bits but I am also practical to the stress of moving a family of six to another country, the hassles of gaining rental properties with a dog, the new climate, the paralysis tick and heartworm etc etc. Not to mention the $1162 quote we have received to transport her there.

When it comes down to it, if Blair won't budge he won't budge but .....

What would you do? Would you deal with the judder bars and go with your heart or deal with the heartache of leaving her and go with the easier bump free ride??

And it you just comment "I don't like dogs so don't take her", be warned I will tell you to get a life as I want you to think outside the square and look at the bigger picture, if you don't like dogs think of something you do love.

Friday, January 25, 2008


You know how you just think a day is going to turn out sweet.

You are looking forward to the start of the weekend, a bit of nooky for the first time in three months and just some chill out time.

Then your 14 month old wakes at 3.46am with a temp and crying. You settle her in with you and get her off to the doc first thing. She is lethargic and refusing to have a bottle or any food. She just quietly observes the house.

Doc does all sorts of tests, blood sugar, thrush of mouth, strep throat, puts urine collection bag on etc etc. Probably viral - if you're a mother you have heard this phrase a million times.

As you put kids in car and run in to grab prescription for Pamol your eldest yells out Sian's vomitting.

Doc comes out to reassess and concurs to still carry on.

On way home you realise that your Mum was dropping Phoebe off at 12.30pm, it's 12.15am and you're 25mins from home. You speed up a little but only on the motorway.

Mr Plod is hiding behind an overbridge, pulls out, lights on and motions to you to pull over.

You do so.

He asks if there was any reason you were going 115 in a 100 zone. Daydreaming perhaps? Actually Constable, my daughter has just vomitted and I am just keen to get home.



Actually Constable, I lost it on a night out 2 years ago and haven't gotten around to getting it yet. (mind flashing $150 instant fine for not having license on me)

Do you realise your diesel road user miles are over the limit. By 6,500kms. They cost $34 a thousand Kms and you have to pay 3 x that as a fine (mind flashing $750 fine).

Oh, and your rego seems to have expired last week? (mind flashing $200 fine).

Goes and checks my details and comes back with speeding ticket. For $80.

If you pay the diesel miles by next Wednesday I won't sent out a fine, there will be no other fines but please get everything sorted.

Have a nice day!!

When do you ever get treated this nicely by a cop??

When you cleavage is looking this fine, that's when:

Thursday, January 24, 2008

How's the Health?

Well not too fucken great!!

About two weeks ago I had to worm myself as I had threadworm (motherhood perils!!).

Then I got thrush the next day after I got the all clear on the vadge being used. And the first night Blair fell asleep while I was yakking to my darling brother in Brisbane. So a week later the new love tunnel has yet to be driven through.

Over the weekend I developed blisters from my shoes, I have pulled my right achilles tendon and developed an ulcer right below my middle bottom teeth.

Then last night something got stuck in my gum between my bottom left teeth, they are very tightly jammed and I have flossed, brushed, fingernailed but I can't find the fucking offending item. So I have this persistent ache in my gum.

Apart from that I'm great, well a bit of turmoil in the noggin but when isn't there.

How are your bits handling the new year??

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

New Zealand Has Lost It #1

New Zealand has recently instated a law that means that you can no longer smack your children in any way shape or form. You can tell them to go to time out but you can not make them go. You can not discipline your own children. Now, whether you agree with smacking or not, take this case into account:

When Christchurch musician Jimmy Mason "flicked" his three-year-old son on the ear he thought he was giving him a lesson about road safety. Don't ride your bike near the road when you're told not to. What he was actually getting was a firsthand look at the Government's anti-smacking legislation in operation, The Dominion Post writes.

A nearby teacher took umbrage at his actions, an off-duty policewoman rang the office and, minutes later, Mr Mason found himself surrounded by six police officers.

"They were going to arrest me and were trying to ascertain whether it was safe for the kids to go home with me," he said. "It was pretty bizarre."
But nothing that Mr Mason did appears to warrant the attention of six police officers, at least five more than the ordinary citizen can expect to show an interest when reporting a theft, burglary or assault.

This man's two boys disobeyed them in a busy part of Christchurch resulting in an accident involving their bikes. This could have easily resulted in death by one of his children being hit by a car. He flicks one son across the ear as he is attempting to head back off and do the same thing again while he consoles hurt child. Next minute he is surrounded by police.

For fuck's sake.

My sister was the victim of burglary on New Years Day. Some arrogant wankers broke into their house, stole a shit load of personal items, made a mess and violated their privacy. It took 2 days for one policeman to show up!!

In Auckland a couple of years ago a young woman phoned police for help as she was getting unwanted attention from a male at a party and didn't know what to do, they sent a taxi - and to the wrong side of Auckland. The woman was never seen again.

For fuck's sake.

What is happening in a country when lolly scrambles are outlawed but you can beat your child to death with a boat oar over a three day period and get 8 years with parole in 4??

Bullrush is too dangerous.

I think climbing trees is illegal now too.

For fuck's sake.

Bring on June, I can't wait to escape this nanny state.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Out and About

Have had a full on weekend.

Dropped Peta at horse camp on Friday night.

Picked Jen up from airport Sat morning, went for soy latte and snack at cafe, headed to the shops where I had a lesson in buying clothes that fitted not hid me, detailed at GF Geisha.

Had some sushi for lunch, chilled at home getting prepared for hen's night at Coyotes bar at 6.30pm.

Had dinner out and plenty of drinks. Sadly the hen's night was rather tame and over by 9pm!! Jen and I went in search of something to do, couldn't find anything happening and after three clubs and a number of different drinks decided to jump on the Loser Cruiser (bus) home to Rangiora. All this time I was self torturing by wearing my wedding shoes as the were the only heels, or shoes for that matter that I own. I ended up taking said shoes off and walking in bare feet and my feet are still aching today.

Yesterday had late brunch, then headed to Brew Moon, a cafe in North Canterbury and had an antipasto platter and a beautiful glass of Fiddlers Green Sav!! Stopped and bought a bottle of Mount Brown Pinot Noir (a friend of mine's vineyard makes it) and then headed to pick Peta up.

Finally got home, then headed out to get Indian for tea (gluten free) and another bottle of Pinot, The Office first series and Billy Connolly Live at the Hammersmith and then we proceeded to drink good wine and laugh our arses off all night!

So a lot of wine, a lot of food and a lot of money spent.

Great weekend and tomorrow is a new day full of challenges.

Friday, January 18, 2008

The Root of all Evil

I was home from polytech for the two weeks holiday.

Mum and Dad were in Aussie with the rest of the family on holiday but I was away studying Veterinary Nursing in Dunedin so wasn't able to go, due to timing issues.

It was 1995. May I think.

I had just got home and had a 21st to go to.

All our friends were going and I knew the guy through Blair. (We were currently just friends and not together, that would take another couple of years).

I headed off to the 21st at a local cricket club with all the crew. The night started well, everyone dancing, funny speeches, the usual.

Last thing I remember I was dancing on the dance floor. Absolute last memory.

From other's recollections it was at this time that one of our mates, a big bloke, was dancing away next to me when he swung around in a crazy attempt at rocking and smacked a wine bottle into my head. I apparently went mad drunk pretty immediate and when everyone else left for town I wouldn't go because I was fucked up. I headed off to a back room and passed out in back room on a mattress. I also have no recollection of this.


I woke up with a sore head from the bump.

I was shivering, had no idea where I was. I realised I was naked just as the father of the guy who's 21st it was walked in on me. I was hugely embarrased. I have been known to strip naked at home and crash out when I am drunk so I presumed this is what happened.

I quickly dressed and came out into the main hall where C (21st guy) and H were, another guy from the 21st who I vaguely knew. I started to help tidy up and then commented on the bump on my head and how I had no idea what had happened that night. H laughed to himself and then spoke up "it may have been the best night of your life". C joined the laughing. There was no elaboration and I continued to tidy.

I decided to head home shortly afterwards and C and H asked if they could have a ride and could they hang at my house for a bit. My olds were away, as previously mentioned, and I thought why not.

They came to my place, along with another guy who turned up at the hall just before we left. We watched tv, ate, and they chatted, C and H that is, J, the other guy just sat there watching me. Heaps. I wondered why, it wasn't in a leering way at all, more watching me for reaction. He then suggested that he and the others leave.


Through the following week I had horrible feelings, kept hearing "it may have been the best night of your life" in my head. I quizzed some of my girlfriends, they had no idea what had happened to me, just said I was not into town and that I was really bizarre after getting hit in the head with the wine bottle.

It was the following Friday night when Nic and Kim knocked on my door. They were my best mates at the time, I flatted in Dunedin with Nic and Kim is still my best friend to this day.

They came in looking sick with worry.

"What's happened?" I queried with trepidation, I had three friends die by gunshot in the previous 3 and a half years, I saw that similar look of despair in my girl's eyes.

It was then that my world crashed down.

"Jules, we've found out through some of the guys what actually happened to you on Saturday at the 21st. After everybody left C and H found you out the back on a mattress and decided to have their way with you. Both of them. You were out to it. Don't worry sweets, the boys don't think anything less of you, they think C and H are creeps"


I felt violated but also confused, did I have a reason to feel this way? Did I cooperate at all, was I part of this? How can I have no memory? Why do the boys think so little of C and H, usually boys high five each other over this sort of thing?

I had a million questions but noone to ask. My eating problems started.


A couple of years later I was at another 21st that C ended up being at, he kept taunting me by coming and asking for a light, or deliberately taking the path that led past me to the loos. In the end I said to my flatmate and mate, let's go. As we left he shouted out "Fuck her, I have". Once again I felt that punch in the gut I had felt the night I was told.


C is currently in jail serving time for selling and providing "P". I don't know where H is, I don't care. I have less of an issue with H for some reason, maybe because I barely knew him but C was a good friend, or so I thought.

That was 13 years ago in May, yet this still fucks me up. I don't know how to deal with it as I don't know if I am justified in feeling anything. Many of my friends called it rape. I sometimes feel it is, other times I'm not sure. It wasn't consentual, how could it be when I was passed out? But .... oh who fucken knows!! all I do know is that from that day forth I gained weight and lots of it. Emotional fuck up for sure but on some insane level I think I provided myself with a fat suit so that I didn't gain that attention again.

Not that it ever stopped, I am a naturally sexual person.

I don't know, who does??

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Like a Virgin...

Touch for the very second time.

Love tunnel doc has said it's all go.

Blair's fired up.

I'll let you know in the morning how it went.

Yee haw!!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Two's Company ...

Three's a Threesome.

Ever had one??

Come on, be honest, it's Mother Jules here, you can tell me??

I have had two that were consentual and one that I was raped.

The first one was when I was 18 years old. I had just been run over about 5 weeks previous - as you do. I got wildly drunk at a party, and ended up being done from behind while taking a gobful. I was wildly drunk but I mildly remember enjoying it. I wore a heap of shit from my group of friends for this one though, as it quickly became common knowledge.

The second was when I was 21 with a friend and a bloke we knew. We were all just having drinks at her place and ended up all wildly drunk and talking shit and singing and dancing and next minute she was licking my nipple. I freaked a bit but was more freaked about looking "uptight" so went with the flow. It was enjoyable, she pleasured me, he pleasured me, all in all I just got pleasured all round. We aren't friends anymore, it was way too uncomfortable.

The third, but second chronologically, happened when I was 20. I can't go into that one tonight. It doesn't gel with the others. It still fucks me up and to this day I hold onto the anger.

I'll let it out soon. Be afraid.

Monday, January 14, 2008

It's Official


Blair leaves on 8th June.

We follow two weeks later on the 23rd.

All tickets are booked and paid for.

We already have a dining suite, a lounge suite and an entertainment unit waiting for us.

It's all a bit real now.

In five months we will be living in Australia.

I am so fired up.


This morning I did yoga for the first time.

I have always been inspired by my darling friend Mary, she has lost a shit load of weight and changed her whole outlook on life and is now a yoga genius and is studying to become a nutritionist. I hearts her!!

I was going to start doing yoga at the local dance studio, where Peta goes, but the woman has decided to cut all her classes (including her dance ones - poor Peta!) and I have had to resort to a basic video.

Did my first blast this morning. Loved it but found the old flabby bits stopped some of the poses working to their true potential. But, never fear, in a couple of months I'll be able to reach further as those bits will be gone.

Good Fortune

Remember me saying that Dad broke his rib??

Him and Mum build houses and sell them, that is their income source.

Dad was a top consultant enginneer for TransPower (the power grid company in NZ) but got sick of the politics and bullshit and threw it in to build. What him and Mum do is buy a section, either do up the house on it, subdivide and build another on the back or, what they are doing now, build an upscale house on 10acres. Ramble ramble.

With broken rib Dad couldn't work so he had Blair working for him during his holidays and after one day has offered Blair work until we leave, and it is all based opposite them, 12 min drive from here, and at our section that we can no longer build on, which is two blocks from here!! All for a $6 an hour payrise. We couldn't be in a better position to head to Aussie.

Life is great.

Just have to get the A OK on the vadge and life will be real great.

Find out Thursday.

Friday, January 11, 2008

The Hideous Truth

It's out there, in all it's fucken hideous glory.

Go to Gluten Free Geisha to see the damage I have done to myself.

As for the tits, see the post below.

Tits are Go!!

Went for mammogram,
got felt up by wierd chick,
got breasts squashed and squeezed until they looked like big platters,
right (suspect) breast discharged (gross!!) and was fucken agonising,
waited in waiting room where I read the Pink magazine including three stories about women who had their cancer missed by mammogram and ultrasound and only through persistence did they get diagnosed (reassuring much??),
had ultrasound and told all was clear and if I had any further concerns would get referred to breast specialist,
and that was that.

So went for celebratory iced chocolate and gluten free orange and almond friand at Under the Red Verandah with best buddy Kim.

Was divine, sat out in garden and had a lovely spot under a tree in the sun.

Life is good.

Booked and paid for our tickets to Aussie, leave 23rd June!!

Time to knuckle down.

On another note, need an outfit to wear to brother in laws wedding on Feb 2nd. What the fuck can I wear??

I'll post photos at Gluten Free Geisha tonight and then I need advice on what will suit me.

Come on fashion divas, get your brains into "help Jules look sexy" mode.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Who me?

Nah I'm not stressing about tomorrow.

Course not.

Not a bit.

Well maybe a smidgen.

Maybe a wee bit nervous.

Quietly confident but smearing me knickers with poobutter at the same time.

I'll be right, I'm moving to Aussie in 5.5 months.

Hands up who wants to meet me tits or no tits?

Come on you Aussie citizens, let me know how excited ya are!!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Hot Shit/Cold Fart

You've heard of What's Hot and What's Not columns??

Well this is my version.

Hot Shit:

Phoenix Organic Cola made with natural cola nut, organic cane sugar, lemon juice and carbonated water. It tastes divine and was on special at Woolies for $6 a four pack this week!!

Hollie Smith

NZ's soul diva, a pocket sized full of attitude and personal power, she has the best voice I've heard in an age. Shes sexy and tattooed up:

Healtheries Chamomile and Honey Herbal Tea

Tastes divine and completely chills this bitch out:

Cold Farts

Neighbours with Pidgeons

What the fuck is up with your fucken fat dirty birds and their insistence on coming and shitting on my house, washing and everywhere else on my property? I have no guilt in sending my dog out to run after them. I will yell "get those fucken birds" and will feel no shame in doing so, especially as you have no shame in burning your rubbish in a drum at my back fence every bloody day. Next week you are likely to get a flipping hose pointed your way.

Having a Disability and Milking It

Okay, may cop some flack for this one, but I was at the docs yesterday and a chick in a wheelchair who had cerebral palsy, (now I am no doctor but had a friend with it when I was younger and my experience with her and Steady Eddy led me to believe that this is what it was)was just leaving at the same time as me. She got a hand out the door, said she couldn't pay her bill, well mumbled it but you could understand what she was saying, and then proceeded to leave. As I drove past I saw her using her feet to pull herself along the footpath in her chair and I felt really sorry for her, thinking she may have no use of her hands and their the bitch was texting on her mobile phone!! No money to pay the doc but plenty to be texting aye??? Aye?? Okay that was a bit harsh but still?

Trade Me Losers

We have trade me in NZ, you elsewhere may have eBay, they are all the same. On Trade Me I currently have a tent that has been barely used for sale. It didn't sell on first listing but had over 50 "watchers" who I offered the tent to for a grand at the close of auction. A couple denied and the other 45 or so just didn't bother! So I relisted with a wee comment at the bottom about not offering to watchers this time, your choice to bid or not, blah diddy blah and this fuckwit left a comment saying that people can watch if they want and it doesn't mean they have to bid and I am probably overpriced anyway and he was going to become a watcher just out of curiousity, in other words to fuck me off. And it fucken did. I replied with a lot of restraint and if you want to hear what I said then you'll have to go to the auction here and look at comments at bottom.

As a side note, have posted shit about my fat arse and my attempts at making it less fat over at Gluten Free Geisha.

Monday, January 7, 2008

A Tit Sandwich

Showed my darling doc my photos.

Felt like a complete spack machine taking in pics of me tits but fuck it!!

He has sent me for mammogram and ultrasound.

If I want that within the week I will have to pay, not sure how much.

If I want to go public I would be waiting near 6 weeks and they would only do a mammogram not ultrasound. As I have fibrocystic (lumpy) breasts anyways, I need the ultrasound or things may not show up.

Wish I still had damn health insurance.

Breasts Ahoy

So I'm off to Doc in a couple of hours.

I am in a bit of quandry though cos the indent has disappeared heaps.

Now is only small dimple.

Here are photos of what it was like when I discovered.

there is a definite indent.


Recipe for Jules

The Recipe For Jules

3 parts Wit
2 parts Recklessness
1 part Silliness

Splash of Elegance

Shake vigorously

Sunday, January 6, 2008

New Rating and a Bargain!!

Looking for x-ray technician training?

This rating was come to because of the presence of these words:

sexy (3x) hell (2x) porn (1x)


I plan to add cunt shit fuck barstard bitch snatch and many more

Went to buy a PS2 because our dvd shit itself. Went the the Warewhare and there was a PS2 Jungle Buzz bundle for $187 (can't even get the PS2 console by itself for that) and it was down to that price because one of the buzz controllers had a split cable. Blair fixed it in 10 mins. I fucken love bargains so eat my arse Warehouse, we ripped you a new arsehole.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Exhausted Much??

Okay, so I haven't been to the doc, am going on Monday morning, promise.

The kids have not stopped fucken vomitting for 7 days now, not all at once but I can tell you I have had enough of the vile smell of bile!!

Sian and Phoebe have been hit the hardest:

Exhibit A: (Phoebe)

Exhibit B: (Sian)

Sian doesn't look as bad, but she is probably worse, having had it for 7 days. Phoebe has had it since New Years Eve and has lost a lot of body tone, Sian has dropped from 8.8kg (she's small anyway) to 7.7kg!! Poor wee poppets.

But me, I have put on weight, go figure, from eating shit while not having the energy to cook, or the want to, who wants to cook when you can smell vomit everywhere.

So - Happy New Year, my first week has sucked dogs balls, how about yours?

Thursday, January 3, 2008


In light of yesterday's discovery:

What is Wellness?

Wellness is a choice

Wellness is a way of life.

Wellness is an efficient channelling of energy.

Wellness - the integration of body, mind and spirit.

Wellness is the loving acceptance of yourself.

(stolen from the wellness wheel on Health Schools Australia site)

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Booby Cellulite

I am a bit scared. Other than being completely over tired from 5 nights of vomiting forced awakedness, I noticed something on my right breast today that set off alarm bells.

I always do "the checks" and, more out of perviness than health aspects, I always check out the girls in the mirror, probably about twice a month. I hold my arms above my head and remember the days when they stayed that way naturally.

Well - today I had a second shower because Phoebe had vomited all through her hair and didn't want to have one on her own. As I got out I thought, haven't checked out Flo and Jo for a while, better have a looksy. To my dismay the right breast had an indent and dimpling when I raised my arm. I called Blair in to asked if he had ever noticed that before, he hadn't. I did a bit of googling because I was sure I'd heard that dimpling can indicate a problem. Sure enough, hit after hit indicated seek medical advice immediately.

I so hope my doctor is there tomorrow or the other good doc in the practise. Fucked if I want a locum looking at my tits, you know a good African mother would be jealous of my knee hugging nipples.

Anyway, thought I'd share my fears with you all, we all know I have no qualms sharing anything else.

If you have any advice or experience, please let me know.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Gidday 2008

I spent NYE mopping up the vomit of each and every one of my 3 daughters.

It was sad but all part of being a mum.

The poor wee cherubs all have vomiting bugs.

So .... now Blair has it and I am sitting here waiting for the next attack of vomit to come my way.

All is quiet on NEW YEARS DAY!!

So, what did your sexy arse get up to???