Sunday, December 30, 2007

Auf Wiedersehen 2007

So, as New Years Eve approaches I thought I would recap on my year.

moved out of Christchurch to Rangiora.
all kids had chicken pox except Sian
bits started to prolapse
had double banger weekend on the turps (this is a rare occurence hence the mention)
youngest brother moved to Perth with his girlfriend
started March with a nervous breakdown
medicated up I took a look at life
found out Phoebe and myself were gluten sensitive and that Phoebe was allergic to peanuts
started a gluten free diet (105.6kg start)
hit virgin weight
decided to get married in September
wedding dramas began
bought my dress
decided to open up more on my blog
went on waiting list to have tubes tied and vadge tightened
wedding progress in full swing
hit the 90's weight wise, in two months lost 6kg!
started eating gluten again intermittently
IUD fell out
got the depo injection
gluten kept attacking me
Had me hen's night
had me bridezilla meltdown
had me wedding
changed me blog
decided to move to Aussie in June 08
got my date for vadge op
had vadge op - ouch!
eldest turned 9
youngest turned 1
recovered from op

So here we are in the last throes of 2007. A lot has happened!!

Had a great mellow Xmas although was a bit sad watching my dad move around so slowly as on break up night (and his birthday), 21st December, he was at the pub having drinks with old mates when one of them went apeshit and beat Dad up. Apparently they were playfighting and it went bad (sound familiar??) and Dad didn't fight back, trying to keep it as low key as possible but his old buddy of over 30 years ended up breaking his rib and leaving his face extremely black and swollen. Aaaah alcohol, the cause of all evil - well some of it.

Speaking of alcohol, on the same night I decided to go down the road to a mate's place and have a couple of drinks, sort of a Mum's work doo, and ended up drinking a dozen bourbon and coke bottles in 3 hours and then was thinking of walking home, that was my last recollection. Woke up at home at 10am and found out that Blair had come down and picked me up at 5.30am, had found my passed out in my own vomit, pants round ankles from last toilet visit and not in a good way. Apparently, at some point before passing out I had skulled two glasses of Jack Daniels - straight. So, not a good look and not quite the end of the night I had hoped for. Was ill for four days.

Have had a great year, much has happened and now I am heading into 2008 with a lot of change in mind. Look forward to sharing it with each and every one of you gorgeous darling people.


Thursday, December 20, 2007

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Who's that dodgy barstard hiding in my Chrissie tree??

So, I may have fucked up with the gluten thing with child no 3 but it looks like gifts are going to be good enough to build up the "good mother" credit points again.

I have got Peta the best bloody gift out. She is horse mad. MAD!! Yet she has never actually ridden a horse, only a donkey at Willowbank when she was about 4. All she wants for Christmas is a pony but, let's be realistic here, we are moving to Aussie in 6 months, there ain't gonna be no ponies under the tree.

So I kept looking around looking for the best gift I could get her. A pony book - shit. A horse ornament - bo ring! A horse calendar - yawn (although I actually got one of these - $27 bloody bucks too!). So what could I get her that actually cut the mustard?

When I was a midget I had my darling dearest Aunty B to teach me to ride. Learnt when I was 4 and rode up till age 15. Haven't since and would kill to do it again. I learnt the ins and outs of equine care and I loved it.

So ..... being a fucken legend ..... I have got her a voucher for a weekend horse riding camp at Kowhai Riding School. She goes on Friday the 4th Jan and stays two nights in bunk rooms with other girls her age and learns every little bit from catching the horse to riding. I was so stoked when I went up there to buy voucher that I nearly asked if I could move in.

I also got her a lollipop girl because she collects them, has three already and I got her this one, there are six in each set.

In the line up of six she has number three, four and five already and I got her number two for Xmas.

They were designed by one of New Zealand's top doll makers, Jan McLean. She makes the coolest dolls, one of my favs is this one, she's sexy as hell:

Am I cool or what?
Posted at Gluten Free Geisha about poor Phoebe and my hard learnt lesson!!

Monday, December 17, 2007

Leave Me The Fuck Alone

There is a list of things/people/bugs that I would like to leave me the fuck alone:

1. Spiders (specifically whitetails) - right, you guys can just fuckoffski into the distance. I do not want you in my house giving me the shits and making me have to kill you and then feel bad for the whole buddhist karma thing. Just fuck off.

2. Wenches who work for the courts - yes you can fuck off too. I have paid Blair's speeding ticket thank you very bloody much and I paid it in cash at the bank the day before it was due so you can fuck off.

3. Sandflies - I do not like being bitten. I have swollen enough lower cankles as it is without you wankers adding to the agony. Please fuck off.

4. BBQ Organisers - I have had enough of sorting out my family to go to BBQ's in the windy heat. I never get to be the drinker, I always have to drive the whole kitten caboodle home and I am over it. And if you are going to make potato salad make if properly. Fuck off.

5. Vodafone Secret Santa Gift Marketing Geniuses - A sheet of magnets with kiwi phrases on them like "l&p" and "fish & chips" etc is not a fucken gift. It is rubbish. Buy a new phone and get some free crap magnets - get a life and fuck off.

6. Robotic Answering Things - when I phone a company I do not expect to have to actually speak to a robot who tells me at the outset that it can understand me and then makes me speak loudly and clearly into the phone like a wankstain and then, lo and behold, doesn't understand me. F off.

7. Husbands - when I have recently had vaginal surgery and you decide on a Sunday morning that you will wake me with a toe rubbing my pubes and the line "when can we use that again?" - well you should expect to be told to fuck off.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Ever Wished....

the ground would open up and you would disappear?

Yesterday afternoon I was walking around a corner past a bank in Rangiora. I was the only one on the corner but there were a heap of people around.

A car full of late teens/early twenties came around the corner.

The guy in the front passenger seat yelled out "Hey Wideload, you're causing an earthquake" then laughed and looked at his mates for gratification.

I was unaware for about 5 seconds that he was talking to me, then realised I was the only one of the corner and he was staring right at me and laughing.

I instantly thought "Fuck you, you little shit, as if that bothers me".

But of course it did.

I cringed that my kids, parked three cars away may have heard.

I cringed at the fact that at least 7 other people had heard and seen.

I kept walking, got in the car and went about my business but every second the leering face of the white trash little fuck knuckle sprang into my mind.

And I have not stopped feeling disgusting about myself for the past 18 hours.

It's easy to say "he's a dick, don't let it bother you" and I actually remember giving this advice to a fellow blogger not so long ago, but when it is you, when you self esteem is stripped from you in seconds with a commercial paint stripper, you can't let it go. You can't stop thinking how terrible you must appear to others for someone to even feel compelled to make a comment like that.

Blair wants to scour the town for the little prick and punch his face but I'm not so sure that would solve anything.

But why, when I am obviously at a point where I attract negative attention because of my appearance, can I not do something about it?

So, crack please open, earth please devour me.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

A Plethora of Things

* If it is hot I get horny. The hotter it gets, the hornier I get. It has always been this way and last night, while I was hot and horny (with no chance of acting on it due to sutured vadge), I had an epiphany. Most of the overpopulated countries in the world are hot!! Forget contraception and all that jazz. Forget the traditions. Forget everything else and just focus on this one thing. Could this explain overpopulation?? Take NZ for example, there are way more people living in the North Island (closer to the equator!!) than the South. I think I have cracked it. Do you get hot and horny?

* Allergys suck. Yes, all of them do, hayfever and the like but food allergies, well they suck big time. My two year old has a medium level peanut allergy and gluten allergy. I have only just started having a good look at the peanut allergy and frankly, I am overwhelmed at the amount of "hidden" stuff with peanuts. Lecithin, emulsifiers, food additive 332, hydrogenated vegetable protein. All have peanut in them. What the fuck?? So you can hide peanut and put it in products?? Seems a bit fucked up to me. Any of you have a peanut allergy??

* Why is it that your hair NEVER looks the same as the day you left the hairdresser?? Never!! Sometimes, this is a blessing but other times you are just in pure dismay that you can never recreate that cool haircut in the sanctuary of your own home.

* Double yellow lines exist for a reason people. They mean: you can't pass anyone at the moment because it is impossible to see around corners. If you do pass you are a) breaking the law and b) a fucken arrogant and impatient knob.

* I love saddlery shops. I went in one today and so many memories of horse riding came flooding back that I just about cried with happiness in the store. Then I just about punched the other four women in the store to death because they were all talking about servicing their mares and thoroughbreds and breaking in three year olds and bridles and it fucked me off cos I so wanted to be them. Swanky horse bitches.

* Dog shit should be illegal - nuff said.

* I took my own advice about opening my mind and finding my happy place and went on a Fairy Expedition with a good mate, my Phoebe and Oscar, mate's son. We had a blast but that is another post and there are photos.

* Being overweight and having a food issue sucks arse but is it even worse that I find other fat people intimidating? Is it like I don't sympathise with them as I don't want to be grouped with them and finally have others realise that I too am fat? Why the fuck don't I just feel good and lose weight?? Fucken tell me someone cos I am going to be Jabba soon.

Monday, December 10, 2007


Have posted on Gluten Free Geisha, just in case you give a shit.

Unleash Your Imagination

I watched Bridge to Teribithia with the kids yesterday and it opened up so many old memories.

I used to play out the back of our house in Dunedin and we had a creek and native bush and then a massive hill reserve covered in pine forest. As kids we would spend hours with the neigbourhood kids exploring the creek and the bush. I used to have this one special place that was magic to me and noone else could see me. It was on a little plateau up above the creek and one day I saw a sack of kittens that had been biffed in the creek.
I saved them.
I loved that feeling.

Childhood is a fabulous time where you can let your imagination run wild and it serves as a great balancer to life's everyday stresses.

I need to go play in the forest.

Funnily enough, on Saturday morning we had Peta's dance concert at Oxford Town Hall and we had an hour and a half to kill while the kids got ready for the concert. It was a beautiful hot day and we drove about 10 mins to Ashley Gorge and took the wee girls on a "fairy drive" through all these trees and Phoebe LOVED it.

There is plenty of free natural imagination inducing wonder out there, go forth enjoy it. Whether you have kids or not, get out to your magic place and free your mind.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Feeling Sexy Baby

So, I have had the same long hair doo for fucken donkey's years now. It drags me down and I am over it.

Here it is clipped back:

And here it is out:

Just not doing it for me anymore.

So I went to the hairdresser and asked to get my hair cut like Cheryl West with a few difference like a longer fringe etc. Had no idea what it would come out but I was feeling daring and spontaneous baby!!

And I fucken love it. I felt great at the hairdressers, I felt great when I left the hairdressers, I felt great hours later so I went and bought the hairdresser a sunflower to brighten her day as much as she'd brightened mine:

Okay - please ignore all the expressions in the photos. It is bloody hard to take photos of yourself without looking like a dick.

You may not think I look sexy, and that I don't give a flying fuck about, because baby - I feel hot and have not felt like this in years!!

Monday, December 3, 2007


So, apparently, you can buy plots of land on the moon. I saw it on 60 minutes tonight.

What the fuck??

A guy in Arizona decided to write to the Russian and United States governments informing them that he was putting in a land claim on the moon. He never heard anything back so has been selling assorted sized plots - and the bugger has earnt himself 9 million so far.

I don't know what disturbs me more, the fact that there is a looney out there making a legitimate living out of selling parts of the moon, or the fact that there are that many fricking thick heads that have paid out CASH for a section on the moon. Good luck getting building consents!! Or a plumber!!

Friday, November 30, 2007

Whom I Be Loving #2

Cheryl West

Ok, technically she is a character and not a real person, although I do be loving the actress Robyn Malcolm too.

Cheryl is the hard arse mother in Outrageous Fortune, a classic kiwi series, which I do think you can see in Aussie now too. She is passionate, individual, determined, loves her misfit kids (Pascall the rooter, Jethro the scheming lawyer, Van the wastrel and Loretta the smart arse know it all who is currently pregnant and looking at selling her baby to the highest bidder!!). She stands by her man, she wheels and deals and she knows how to kick arse. She is so white trashy that I love her to bits.

She has a deviate estranged husband who has been in and out of jail for all of their married life, Wolf:

He fucked up too many times so she eventually fell into the arms of another, ironically the policeman that kept busting her family of their petty crimes:

And now someone else seems to be interested in her, Gary:

She has a fucken cool image with her leopard prints and high heels.

She knows how to party.

But most of all, she is real, like every character on this programme. As I grew up I have met the real life equivalent of nearly every one of the Outrageous Fortune characters. They smoke, drink heaps, smoke pot occassionally, love bbq's, cry, laugh, love, root (continuously on the show!!), scheme, fail, suceed. They swear, they get fucked over, they get the odd bonus in life that keeps them going. And Cheryl is the glue that keeps them altogether.

Love ya Chez.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007


Hi there darlings

I am well, recovering and pretty much drug free. My darling Mum and Dad are doing much to look after me and make sure I don't even lift a toothpick for fear that they may have to look after the kids again if it all came undone!!

So ...

back into life:

I was at the supermarket last night with Blair, walking at snail's pace around trying to find something yummy for dinner. As we were walking around I noticed a guy kept walking past us and checking out Blair. When we got to the checkout he came up and did the big "haven't seen you for ages" face and they laughed and yarned and ignored myself and the guy's wife. Being respectable human beings us two "chics" introduced ourselves. She was lovely in personality and appearance, nice curvy, dark curly hair and just naturally beautiful.

After about quarter of an hour of bum slapping reunion type behaviour we (ignored women) figured out that the boys had gone to school together.

The whole time I was standing next to this guy's wife I was overtly aware of my own disgusting appearance. I have two big spots on my cheek due to overindulgence of chocolate at the weekend and not enough water! My hair was limp and tied back in a pony tail. I had on my 3/4 pants so my lymphatic ankles that have never recovered since the Phoebe pregnancy were on full show. I am also fat as a mother fucker!! I haven't lost nor gained any weight in the last couple of months but next to Mrs Naturally Lovely and Charming I looked like a pile of worm infested dog shit.

The whole time I was talking to these people the thoughts were attacking my self esteem.

"What the fuck is poor Blair thinking, oh god, wish my missus didn't look like a Jenny Craig dropout."

"Oh my god, how fat is his wife, four kids or not, what is up with that?"

"Does he actually sleep with that obese maggot?"

These were the tamer of the self loathing thoughts that zipped around my concious mind.

When we got in the car I felt worse. As we watched TV I felt even worse, all night I thought about how fucken hideous I am and the worst feeling I had was "Poor Blair". I honestly have the self esteem of a fucken gnat. I think I am over these issues and then something like this happens and I realise how much I hate who I have become.

I repulse myself and I so wanted to twitch my nose and have the the body and hairstyle I so desperately desire. I am not in a good emotional place.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Absent Note

Dear Mrs/Mr Reader

I am very sorry that Jules has been absent from Blogsville Elementary for the last 2 weeks or so.

We have had difficult times in our house. All the grandchildren have come to live with us on at Bonnydoon. Even the dog came for a stint last week. Jules has been in hospital getting her tubes tied and the back of her vagina wall cut open and restitched, her perinium made bigger, tighter and higher and this was all done due to a pelvic prolapse (not due to having a vagina transplant!!).

We (Mum and Dad Outspoken) have been very worried about her overindulgence in pain relief in the days since she got out of hospital. She is in a lot of pain and won't be back in the writer's seat for a while yet, just short bursts in between Codeine and Voltaren induced comas. We do know that she is walking and looking forward to the serenity out here tomorrow when her eldest child Peta turns 9.

If you have any questions please don't phone, just email or leave a comment as we are outside doing neverending tree planting and digging (as required in the lifestyle block owner's manual) and she is just too darn drugged up to get up off of the couch to answer the phone. She has managed to whip up a gluten free choccie cake (from Scratch) for Peta and has read two Marian Keyes books in two days.

Yours Sincerely

Mother Outspoken (nee Mother Blunt and Tactless)

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Blah Blah Blah

I am feeling blah diddy blah blah.

That is all.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Location Location Location

Yep, another "where I got married" post. Just got in some great photos from a mate that really show the area well. Quite a few were taken the day before, which just happened to be a picture perfect day.


And a couple of pissheads, brothers in arms!!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

And Your Prize .....

For having pushed out four kids in 8 years is.........

A new vagina.

Yes that's right, on the 14th of November you will go under the knife and when you wake up you will be fully panel beaten and leave hospital with a brand new vadge.

Granted - you won't be able to use it for a fucken long time, and when you do, you will probably have that virgin feeling as you break in your new love tunnel. Actually, you probably will be too scared to use your new vagina for about 10 years.

Post op you will be unable to do anything. We mean anything. The only thing you are allowed to lift is a cup of coffee. Oh and did we mention, you won't be able to drive for a couple of weeks either. Yes, you will need to hang out with your Mum quite a bit over the following weeks.

By the way, as an additional free extra we are going to tie your tubes so that you don't have any other little surprises that may dent your new shiny va-jay-jay.

So, relax, enjoy your next 2 weeks and 6 days of your old vagina, we suggest you run it into the ground, and we'll be seeing you on the 14th, ready to knock out the bumps and have you looking like you're straight off the lot.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Arguments by Tealight

It's been a long time coming, first barbie of the season. Not that it was really the weather for it, do recall a few drops of rain descending on the festivities.

So we cranked up the barbie for it's first outing this season. It fired into action, stoked to be getting some attention.

Gluten free sausages, lamb chops, and a shit load of rocket.

And a bottle of Martini Asti, similar to Asti Riccardona. Blair had a few brews, I had a few bubblies, we had the computer tune flowing. What a great afternoon.

We got another bottle of wine.

Kids off to bed, Blair set the mood with random tealights all over the room. It was all lovely.

Then the nit picking started, both of us.

In the end of headed off to bed in a huff.

Just goes to show, you can set the scene but that doesn't always guarantee the ambience will flow.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Steph's Story

Sorry to keep directing you to Gluten Free Geisha but this is a great story as to how darling Steph came to find out she had a gluten allergy (coeliacs).

Friday, October 19, 2007

Time to Knuckle Down

Okay so I have posted this entry over at Gluten Free Geisha as it is about my operation, my plan to attack it in the best shape I can and a wee bit of a ramble. So don't be a lazy mummy rooter, head over and check it out. If you come here purely for the entertainment and outstanding wit and can't be arsed reading about my daily issues, then stay put, read some old entries or just move along.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Mothering Awards

I am sitting on computer after a lovely morning out having a needle stuck in my arse so that I don't get pregnant again. This after a lovely conversation at Women's Hospital about the minimum three month recovery it is going to take after I have my bits tightened.

So, where was I??

That's right, catching up on my bloglines when up pops a message bubble:

USB Device Not Recognised, hardware not known.


I look down around to see Sian (10.5 months) sitting on floor next to hard drive with USB cable for the digital camera in her mouth. Apparently babies are not recognised as suitable plug in devices for my Compaq.


Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Eat My Arse

Note: I wrote and posted this yesterday but Blogger-rooney ate it up.

My darling husband has two favourite sayings "Eat My Arse" and "Eat It" for short. This is highly immature but I find it quite endearing. He also loves farting and still laughs out loud at himself and anyone else farting. He is 33.

Many of our friends do not find this quite so an endearing quality in our darling Blair, being that the majority of them are in their mid to late 30's. We have the odd bloke that still finds it hilarious, these are Blair's kindred souls.

My point is that Blair is, on the exterior at least, a pretty "what will be will be" sort of person. I think that on the interior this may not be the case at times but for the most part of it, he's a knoddy.

I, on the other hand, used to be happy go lucky but have found that the more kids I have the more worried I am about the impending future and what it may bring for us. Blair thinks I think too much and apparently my doctor agrees because he told Blair the same thing once, when I had sent Blair for a check up and given him a list of things to get blood tested for due to his symptoms. My doc knows me well and he knows that I have studied many years of Naturopathy and he values my opinion. No shit, he really does. And as he was telling Blair that I had suggested all the right blood tests and told him that "I'm a bright spark", he continued to tell him that he thinks I think too much and apparently that is why so many intelligent people get depression.

Now, this is not meant to be a wank stained full post about how fucken up there in the brain cell department I am.

I just wonder how many of you are constantly bothered by your thoughts. Are you always thinking ahead or are you just happy to take life as it comes? I wish I was the latter because I feel that things would be way more enjoyable.

PS Blair has decided to not shave until Christmas, I just smiled and said "I've decided not to put out until Christmas". I despise facial hair on my man. Yours can do what he fucken well pleases but I like Blair cleanly shaven or, at most, a bit of a goatee, no fucken beards or mou's.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Update to "The Price of Milk"


I haven't made this decision lightly, we have been mulling it over for a couple of years and with the ability to own a home out of our reach here now until the kids go to school, we think why the hell not have an adventure?

We will be moving to the Sunshine Coast, probably Nambour or surrounding districts. We have friends living in Nambour, one in Maroochydore, two in Mooloolaba, and about 8 in Brisbane, not to mention my brother who is living in Brisbane with his girlfriend and my other brother and his fiance are moving there in 6 months from Perth.

Blair is a carpenter and they are in high demand in Queensland.

We have been in contact with Centrelink and if Blair was on $25 an hour we would be entitled to nearly $750 a fortnight in family assistance, not to mention the subsidised childcare, whether I'm working or not. He is hoping to be on more but you still get rebates and family assistance at much higher incomes than you do here. We have seen all our friends who have left for Queensland go ahead in leaps and bounds since they departed our fair land.

Couple in Nambour have gone from nothing to owning their own joinery company, building and selling three homes, investment properties and now are living on 3/4 acre on their dream home - nearly freehold by the way, property being worth in the vicinity of half a million.

Other couple have set up business and both are earning double they could here.

Mate in Brisbane left here with not a cent, now he has bought a home in north side of Brisbane, this is a guy who struggled to get enough for the pub most weeks. As a builder here was earning $25 an hour, over there is getting $40 an hour with vehicle and phone to build stairs!!!

Those of you who got into the property market before the boom are sitting pretty. EG my sister and husband, one income, bought a three bedroom home in Christchurch worth $123,000. Mortgage $177 a week. Five years later, post boom, their property is worth $350,000 and they are on a fixed mortgage for next five years only paying $265 a week and at 7.8%. So yeah, sweet if you got in before prices shot through the roof.

I definitely want you to all know that there is no way I do anything without weighing up the pros and cons, doing the figures and mapping it out way in advance. Australia may seem like it has faults to those of you that live there, and granted the cities are diabolically priced, but for us, there is no comparison purely from a financial point of view.

And then there is lifestyle factors. Blair has shocking psoriasis and whenever we have visited Sunshine Coast his skin clears up due to the moisture in the air. My nose is sweet, usually have dried up nose that becomes booger infested every night due to a swelling in my turbinates (nose lining). When in Sunshine Coast that goes. And three of my kids get asthma and my doctor has told me we are living in the worst place for it, being polluted in winter and windy in summer. He told me about four years ago that the best place in the world we could go for asthma would be the Sunshine Coast of Australia.

And at the end of the day, as darling Becks says, home will always be there.

The Price of Milk

What the fuck is going on in this country??

We constantly hear how flippin great the dairying industry is doing and how great some little towns are doing with the boom on due to milking their cows yet .....

the price of milk keeps going up.

We are now looking at around $2 a litre!! For fucken milk. You can buy a 2.25L of coke for bloody cheaper!!

and then I saw the price of cheese ..... one 1kg block was $12.25!! WTF!!!

And butter about $3.60 for a 500g block.

I'm over it. This fucken country is doing my head in.

And we hear that once again the government has over $8 billion in surplus. Yet they keep shutting country schools, old men keep waiting for cataract operations and the average household now needs to earn $1300 a week to afford an average mortgage!!

The point to all this waffling??

We can no longer afford to build our house. Our own home, which can be built on our $132,000 section for a cost of absolutely no more than $130,000. A mortgage of $260K and we can't afford to do it. We can get into it but we can't afford to service the mortgage, we could in November when we bought the section but nearly a year later the interest rates are so fucken high that a couple with four kids may as well kiss goodbye to ever owning a home. And it's not like we're going over the top in the amount we spend on it. The average two bedroom flat in the lower socio economic suburbs of Christchurch are now selling for about the same cost as we can build a brand new home here in Rangiora for. But .... we literally wouldn't be able to afford to live. The mortgage repayments a fortnight would be nearly $1000 and that isn't including rates, insurances and other unforeseens.

So.... what do I propose to do about this??

We are jumping ship.

We have fucken had it with this government and their lack of any action over anything other than outlawing the ability for a parent to discipline their own child. Oh that and digging into each other's personal lifes. And every now and then they pass a new dog law. Get a fucken grip New Zealand. It's time to stand up and be counted in the world.

Some of you may say, why don't you go to work??

If I go back to work we will be paying $80 a day for the two little ones to go to daycare, that and the $20 or so a day it would cost for the older two to be in after school care. I have the ability to earn about $500 in the hand a week as a PA! You do the figures. I would be paying just as much in childcare as i could earn. But, I hear you cry, the government would give you a childcare subsidy, surely? No they wouldn't because we EARN too much if I go back to work. What sort of country classes their citizens in the wealthy bracket at $85,000 a year but also has the bullshit housing market that demands that you bring home in excess of $1300 in the hand a week just to afford the average mortgage??

See ya NZ, we are off to the greener pastures of Aussie where their government encourages you to have children, gives you a helping hand of $7,000 to get into your first home and subsidises your childcare if you do go back to work.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Comment of the Week #1

Decided that I am going to have a "comment of the week" every Saturday morning, or whenever I get the hell around to it!!

Basically the comment that has stood out for me, in any way shape or form will be posted so you can all benefit from it. It may have made me laugh my tits off, it may have me thinking deeply, it may have been highly informative and helped me immensely or it may have made my heart sink and my tears roll like this weeks winner did.

It was in response to "Ever Felt Fear?" post:

margbart has left a new comment on your post "Ever Felt Fear?":

I am scared to tell you this but we as a family have lived thru this, my 2 year old nephew went missing at a playgroup, everyone was searching for him even in the streets, saying no way could he get into the swimmimg pool which was really secure and had a cover on, but yes he had, he had climbed over the fence in a flash using a pot plant, walked on the cover and disappeared under, we will never ever get over this, it haunts us day and night, for my brother, his family and the owners of the swimming pool, Life is precious, his was snuffed out in a moment...R I P baby Declan 1998-2001

Posted by margbart to Naturally Outspoken at October 9, 2007 10:31 AM

Friday, October 12, 2007

Just a Few More

Okay, we're all over me and my wedding but I have a few more photos to share, as I know so many of you love photos of me and my family!! LOL!!

In the middle of the vows:

Miss Phoebe:

Peta and Ben:

I love this photo, having fun!!

Me and Dad dodging the bull turds to get to my husband to be:

Blair and his best man Dave waiting, Blair chatting to our 72 year old celebrant!!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Whom I Be Loving #1

Ok, I know every Tom, Dick and Bevan is doing numbered posts these days but I really don't give a fuck if I look like a follower as I am too!!

At the moment I am loving:

Queen Latifah aka Dana Elaine Owens

Latifah means "nice" in Arabic and I think she is the Queen of Nice.

She is big, buxom and oh so sexy.

She has gorgeous big breasts, a warmth in her smile and eyes and is just beautiful to look at.

Wikipedia says:

Personal life

Latifah's older brother Lance was killed in 1992 in an accident involving a motorcycle that Latifah had recently bought him. Latifah still wears the key to the motorcycle around her neck, which can be seen throughout her performance in her sitcom Living Single. She also dedicated Black Reign to him. In 1993, Latifah was the victim of a carjacking, which also resulted in the shooting of a friend. In 1996, she was arrested for possession of a small amount of marijuana and a fully loaded hand gun, resulting in a fine and two years' probation.

In her 1999 autobiography, Ladies First: Revelations of a Strong Woman, Latifah discussed how her brother's death led to a bout of depression and drug abuse, from which she later recovered.

Because of her portrayal of a lesbian in Set It Off and her avoidance of discussing her romantic life, tabloid media have at times speculated on her sexual orientation. Latifah, responded to these rumors in her autobiography by saying: "It's insulting when someone asks, 'Are you gay?' A woman cannot be strong, outspoken, competent at running her own business, handle herself physically, play a very convincing role in a movie, know what she wants—and go for it—without being gay? Come on."[10] Queen Latifah is an advocate for same sex marriage and other gay rights issues.

I love that she is a spokesperson for Covergirl.

I love that the world is recognising the "average" woman.

I love that she is strong and funny and talented and confident.

Gluten Free Geisha

I am really enjoying the new tone of my new blog.

Loving it just being a spit out of my what's in my head.

But, I still have the weight/gluten/self image issues.

I don't want them on here unless I feel like it.

So ....

I have created Gluten Free Geisha to fill the gap.

So if you have any interest in that side of my life that's where to head.

It looks great thanks to Kate - again. That chick is a wealth of talent, a very giving person and I hearts her to bits.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

What CAN'T You Do With Porn Queen Nails?

As much as I'm loving the nails, love the look, love the comments, love the fact that my hand looks kinky when doing kinky things (you know what I mean, don't pretend you don't!!). I just love a lot about them.

But it is bloody annoying trying to function like a normal person with them.

Examples you scream.

Okay okay, keep ya skiddy undies on.


I can't pick it.

I can't scratch it (well not with any relief been felt).

I can't crack the head of any zits or blackheads that emerge.


I get the itch and I can't give the barstards the good beating they need. You know what I'm talking about, when you put the pointer finger into the opening of your ear canal and beat it up and down like you were jerking off Brad Pitt.

I just can't get no satisfaction.


Maybe I'm just unko but I cannot, for the life of me, adjust me knickers with these things on. Always feels like I'm gonna rip a finger off.


I can't open them.

I have to get a knife and stick it under the tab to open them. This fucken frustrates me.


Every time I go to open the microwave I have to go all cack handed to fit the frickin nail on the button without pushing it in and separating my finger nail from my finger in the process.

I look special needs.

and the most embarassing?


Not limited to coins but this is probably the instance where I most feel like a cock.

Counting out me money on the conveyor belt at the supermarket. Go to pick coins up to pass to checkout chic. Not gonna happen. Proceed to look like absolute piece of dick cheese as I act like I have no motor skills and try desperately to explain myself.

Oh and"


Can not get anything out from between my teeth, these barstards are just too thick to fit in those gaps.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Ever Felt Fear?

I mean true, heart jump into your throat, fear?

I never really have..... up until yesterday that is!!

It was late arvo and we were doing the Sunday evening thing. Kids getting ready for their first day back at school, I was cooking dinner and Blair was pottering in the lounge.

All of a sudden Blair says "Where's Phoebe?"

I thought she was in the lounge with you.


She'll be in her room or in with the older kids.


And so started the frantic search.

What was only four minutes but seemed like a lifetime of sheer fear followed.

We shouted our way around the house screaming out her name.

We searched under beds, in the shower, in wardrobes, behind curtains.

We were both in panic mode.

She had been just there with us.

She was gone!!

Blair opened up the garage.


I could see the same fear in Blair's face that I felt.

It was a terrifying feeling.

Someone had taken her, she'd wandered up to the gate and some fucken fruit loop had taken our baby girl.

We both started to shake.

Then .....

Here she is, said Ben.

The little toerag had climbed up under the dining table and snuggled up on the chairs like a cat and gone to sleep.

The sense of relief was hugely intense but while in the panic, the million and one things that had gone through my head, well - it's fucken amazing how fast and furious the brain throws things at you while you are in fight or flight mode.

I had images of telling my parents, the police being here, the sheer grief that my life was going to be filled with from that moment forward.

It damn near took hard liquor for me to calm down.

Have you ever had a similar panic, doesn't have to be child related?

Do share.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Don't Look A Gifthorse In The Mouth

An upside of getting married, not that the act itself isn't an upside, is the presents.

You can say all you want that you're happy with your guests just being there but let's be honest ... presents rock!!

We hit the mother load with gifts.

Here are a few:

Four slice mac daddy toaster
Slow cooker
Kenwood food processor
Two stainless steel mac daddy kettles
Lush towels
Massive gift basket (the gift that just keeps giving)
Two white designer dinner sets
Two flash as cutlery sets
Photo frame with the Apache Wedding Blessing in it (mate Jo read at our wedding)
Massive guilded mirror
Huge set of Click Clack containers (help deal with the bloody mouse problem)
Three designer white platters in different sizes
Duvet set (a bit random with circles all over it)
A mac daddy hardcover New Zealand Landscapes book from my adventurer extraordinairre cousin.
Matching salad bowl and oil dispenser (hilariously I typed salad bowel first!!)
Herb cutter with chopping board
Massive rubbish bin
Crystal Pinot Noir glasses
$260 Farmers vouchers (department store)
$100 Briscoes voucheres (homewares store)
$300 Acquisitions vouchers (flash giftware store)
$500 Mitre 10 vouchers (DIY store, hardware store)
$60 Westfields vouchers (massive shopping mall)

Then I had mates who gifted me their time and skills for the actual day.

Aunty Tracey did the flowers
Jen did the make up (a hard task!!)
Mandy made the cake
Kim did the photography
Kim's Mum is going to do a huge framed montage of the photos
Kim's Dad was the MC

and the most emotional gift of all:

my darling Aunty and close friend passed away in a terrible way five years ago. She died from bone cancer. She was one of those few "angels on earth" sort of people. She taught me to ride and she taught me the ins and outs of horse racing and nutrition. She was a pillar of love for me. Her favourite flowers were african violets so I had a wee pot of them on the registry table. I needed her to be there in spirit.

Her daughter gifted me a beautiful painting/drawing/collage that she had done herself. It was of a jockey on a thoroughbred. It's stunning and full of talent, but the thing that had me in tears, she said she wanted me to always know that the gift came from her mum as well as the rest of the family, hence the horse. She actually has exhibitions and her work is selling well but the thought behind it was just stunning - and it matches the colours I eventually want in my new home.

So, crux of it all, we were very spoilt and are just so very priveledged to have such a great and generous group of friends and family.

Thursday, October 4, 2007


A couple of pics, these are from my brother in law's shots, not the officials but some good pics anyway.

My little Sian, cute as a button:

And my little Rangi, Phoebe, butter wouldn't melt aye? We all know better!!

Blair bending down talking to Phoebes (out of view), Peta's flowers, holding hands, a great shot:

My eldest, who would believe this beautiful young lady is only just turning nine, watch out!!! Note Mum's big tatt to right of picture, all class:

The styling wedding party, minus the two little ones. My sister is the bridesmaid and Blair's best mate Dave is the best man. Ben groomsman and Peta junior bridesmaid. Note the wild background, we were in the wilderness literally:

Heading in for the first kiss, not happy with the sheer mass of my face but there is no regrets, I was at the weight I was meant to be at, just a great reminder to be slim as Jim at my first anniversary:

My darling groom waiting for me as I head towards him down the aisle/helipad/bull paddock. If this look doesn't tell you how much my man loves me then you are a hard one to please:

The bride and groom:

My handsome wee man, a mini me of his dad:

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

The Wedding Day

I woke at 6.30am, only because my alarm went off.

I looked out to see the most beautiful day. I was wrapt. Busied myself having some cereal, a shower and a coffee.

Left for hairdressers, arrived at 9am.

Hair took just over an hour. Can't say I was 100% happy with it. Got to my sister's to pick her and my mate slash makeup artist up and I immediately was fucked off. Keri's hair looked about 50 times better than mine. Peta looked great too but my hair just looked average.

Got over it for the time being and headed to Mt Potts. Arrived just after 1pm. Fluffed around getting makeup on and then into dress. Dress wouldn't dome properly in the right place and therefore wouldn't lace up. Out came the ever handy safety pin. Finally dressed etc and it was 3.30pm, ceremony was at 3pm. Damn late arse bride.

By this time the nerves had taken over and I had a bridezilla meltdown over the hair, got over it and headed towards the helipad where the ceremony was. The girls all walked ahead of me and then Dad and I went down the wee rocky path towards everyone. Dad was walking way to fast and my heels kept getting stuck in the grass. I had to tell the man to slow down!!

Finally rounded the guests and walked towards my husband to be. He was crying hard out! When I reached him we immediately held hands and then the ceremony started. Did I mention that it was lightly raining and the wind was howling, the snow was low on the mountains and it was fucking freezing. My veil was flying everywhere. It was all over quickly (thank fuck) and we had some quick photos and then headed up to the lodge which was toasty warm. Had a quick drink and then we took off into the wild weather for some photos on the airstrip, in the forest, the haybarn and in some derelict old stables where Blair fell in love with a big Stag's head and the lodge owner gifted it to him!

Got back to the lodge about 5.15pm and by this stage there were quite a few drunk people and I was a bit worried about the turn the night may take. We headed into dinner and had the speeches and then a beautiful buffet dinner with fresh lemon herbed salon, roast ribeye beef fillets and marinated lime chicken kebabs. Was delicious. Dessert was flourless chocolate brownies with cream and berries or mini kiwi pavolovas with whipped cream and kiwifruit.

I then took off and settled down Sian in one of the twin rooms where the kids were bunking in with my mate Jules, who was there to be the babysitter for the night. All the kids headed to bed about the same time and then Blair and I cut the cake and had our first dance to "Love Will Keep Us Alive" by the Eagles.

Within an hour it had turned to shit. My two brothers along with some local mates and brother in law and a few other drunkards, had decided to flag the beer and wine and just stood at the bar having multiple shots of top shelf spirits. Opel Nera, Tequilla, etc etc. The top shelf was half wiped out and it was all done in shots - and this was at 9.30pm. By 10pm it was nearly all over for me.

My two brothers were having "slap" fights until one did it too hard and it ended up in them brawling. Dad stepped in and they were separated. Then my youngest brother, who was off his face, decided it was a great time to air all the family bullshit which included telling Mum to shut the fuck up and stop crying, telling Dad that he was an arrogant cunt, telling all of us that he knows that we all think he's a loser but he's not. It was fucken shit. Then a friends husband nearly knocked him over and next minute it was all on and I told him to just leave the party and go to bed.

So it carried on outside with him abusig Mum and Dad and anyone who came near him.
Blair managed to settle him down and then my sister and her husband come over (husband having done multiple tequillas) and demand that youngest bro goes to bed. Blair says "give me 5 mins with him, I've got him calm, just give me 5" and sister's husband says I don't give a fuck about you I just want to put him to bed, so Blair fires up and threatens to drop him and he puffs up back saying "don't try and staunch me out" and then sister get's involved and Blair tells her to fuck off too and then she decides she's going to bed. That fucked me off, I said "we haven't even had a drink or a dance yet" and then she said well if Blair hadn't of had a go at Hayden" and then I said "my family are a bunch of arseholes" and her and her drunk husband decided to drive home in the middle of the night in the pouring rain in the middle of nowhere in the southern alps with the husband driving.

I stomped up the hill in the rain to bed crying. I had just had enough. Blair came up and had a go at me for blaming him for the fight with Hayden and that I should take a look at my brother's and stop sticking up for them etc and I ended up undressing myself in the dark and sleeping in the spare room in the cottage.

You can never get back your wedding night and that is how mine was. I was gutted, the day was great but the night was absolute shit.

At about 3am I got into bed with Blair because I didn't want to wake up the way I had gone to sleep.

We woke up cuddling but there is still a bit of tension.

Breakfast at the lodge was great and the staff were just amazing. I couldn't fault them in any way. We left with all the gifts (including the hideous stags head) in tow and have been shattered, emotionally and physically ever since.

This afternoon I was confronted by my sister over my attitude towards her over the Hayden/Blair incident and my brother stepped in sticking up for her and I said to him, "don't you start, you haven't even apologised to me yet" and he fired up and said "you haven't apologised to me!!".

What the fuck??

You ruin my fucken wedding night and I am expected to apologise to you. They can all go get bum fucked for all I fucken care. Pack of self centred wankers.

And now Mum is upset that I don't want to go and play happy families with the wankstains tomorrow as we are supposed to have a going away doo for one brother combined with an engagement party for the younger brother. Get rooted you pack of losers.

As you see the photos aren't in yet but I got the anger in me to write the post so went with it.

Come One, Come All

Welcome to my new journey.

I am glad you are here to share it with me.

Firstly, thanks a million to Miss Katey Pie for the great banner design. I could kiss her a million times for summing it all up in one little heading design. She's a talented darling and I love her to bits.

I came up with the name while lying on my bed trying to sum myself up in a couple of words. A mean feat.

I am in last legs of my Naturopathy study.

I believe in a holistic approach to life.

I am extremely spiritual and have a desire to reconnect with my inner self. I have become very lost over the last couple of years, weighed down with social anxieties, depression and the overwhelming task of managing four children.

I lost who I was, why I was and where I was.

That is about to change.

This will be my outlet for that change.

I will voice my opinions how and when I want to. They are just that - my opinions so please, try not to be offended, I am open to all comments.

Hence Naturally Outspoken.

The first leg of the journey will be the wedding story and believe me, it's one to read.

I am waiting to receive a couple of photos so you can have an image when reading.

Be warned, it is going to be reminiscent of an Outrageous Fortune wedding or a Days of Our Lives wedding or a Home and Away wedding. There were dramas galore.

That post will be coming later in the week when I have enough mental energy to spit it all out.

So where do we stand?

I'm married.

I'm still overweight.

I'm gonna make a change ...

for once in my life ...

It's gonna feel real good ...

gonna make a difference ...

Gonna make it right .....