Sunday, December 30, 2007

Auf Wiedersehen 2007

So, as New Years Eve approaches I thought I would recap on my year.

moved out of Christchurch to Rangiora.
all kids had chicken pox except Sian
bits started to prolapse
had double banger weekend on the turps (this is a rare occurence hence the mention)
youngest brother moved to Perth with his girlfriend
started March with a nervous breakdown
medicated up I took a look at life
found out Phoebe and myself were gluten sensitive and that Phoebe was allergic to peanuts
started a gluten free diet (105.6kg start)
hit virgin weight
decided to get married in September
wedding dramas began
bought my dress
decided to open up more on my blog
went on waiting list to have tubes tied and vadge tightened
wedding progress in full swing
hit the 90's weight wise, in two months lost 6kg!
started eating gluten again intermittently
IUD fell out
got the depo injection
gluten kept attacking me
Had me hen's night
had me bridezilla meltdown
had me wedding
changed me blog
decided to move to Aussie in June 08
got my date for vadge op
had vadge op - ouch!
eldest turned 9
youngest turned 1
recovered from op

So here we are in the last throes of 2007. A lot has happened!!

Had a great mellow Xmas although was a bit sad watching my dad move around so slowly as on break up night (and his birthday), 21st December, he was at the pub having drinks with old mates when one of them went apeshit and beat Dad up. Apparently they were playfighting and it went bad (sound familiar??) and Dad didn't fight back, trying to keep it as low key as possible but his old buddy of over 30 years ended up breaking his rib and leaving his face extremely black and swollen. Aaaah alcohol, the cause of all evil - well some of it.

Speaking of alcohol, on the same night I decided to go down the road to a mate's place and have a couple of drinks, sort of a Mum's work doo, and ended up drinking a dozen bourbon and coke bottles in 3 hours and then was thinking of walking home, that was my last recollection. Woke up at home at 10am and found out that Blair had come down and picked me up at 5.30am, had found my passed out in my own vomit, pants round ankles from last toilet visit and not in a good way. Apparently, at some point before passing out I had skulled two glasses of Jack Daniels - straight. So, not a good look and not quite the end of the night I had hoped for. Was ill for four days.

Have had a great year, much has happened and now I am heading into 2008 with a lot of change in mind. Look forward to sharing it with each and every one of you gorgeous darling people.


Thursday, December 20, 2007

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Who's that dodgy barstard hiding in my Chrissie tree??

So, I may have fucked up with the gluten thing with child no 3 but it looks like gifts are going to be good enough to build up the "good mother" credit points again.

I have got Peta the best bloody gift out. She is horse mad. MAD!! Yet she has never actually ridden a horse, only a donkey at Willowbank when she was about 4. All she wants for Christmas is a pony but, let's be realistic here, we are moving to Aussie in 6 months, there ain't gonna be no ponies under the tree.

So I kept looking around looking for the best gift I could get her. A pony book - shit. A horse ornament - bo ring! A horse calendar - yawn (although I actually got one of these - $27 bloody bucks too!). So what could I get her that actually cut the mustard?

When I was a midget I had my darling dearest Aunty B to teach me to ride. Learnt when I was 4 and rode up till age 15. Haven't since and would kill to do it again. I learnt the ins and outs of equine care and I loved it.

So ..... being a fucken legend ..... I have got her a voucher for a weekend horse riding camp at Kowhai Riding School. She goes on Friday the 4th Jan and stays two nights in bunk rooms with other girls her age and learns every little bit from catching the horse to riding. I was so stoked when I went up there to buy voucher that I nearly asked if I could move in.

I also got her a lollipop girl because she collects them, has three already and I got her this one, there are six in each set.

In the line up of six she has number three, four and five already and I got her number two for Xmas.

They were designed by one of New Zealand's top doll makers, Jan McLean. She makes the coolest dolls, one of my favs is this one, she's sexy as hell:

Am I cool or what?
Posted at Gluten Free Geisha about poor Phoebe and my hard learnt lesson!!

Monday, December 17, 2007

Leave Me The Fuck Alone

There is a list of things/people/bugs that I would like to leave me the fuck alone:

1. Spiders (specifically whitetails) - right, you guys can just fuckoffski into the distance. I do not want you in my house giving me the shits and making me have to kill you and then feel bad for the whole buddhist karma thing. Just fuck off.

2. Wenches who work for the courts - yes you can fuck off too. I have paid Blair's speeding ticket thank you very bloody much and I paid it in cash at the bank the day before it was due so you can fuck off.

3. Sandflies - I do not like being bitten. I have swollen enough lower cankles as it is without you wankers adding to the agony. Please fuck off.

4. BBQ Organisers - I have had enough of sorting out my family to go to BBQ's in the windy heat. I never get to be the drinker, I always have to drive the whole kitten caboodle home and I am over it. And if you are going to make potato salad make if properly. Fuck off.

5. Vodafone Secret Santa Gift Marketing Geniuses - A sheet of magnets with kiwi phrases on them like "l&p" and "fish & chips" etc is not a fucken gift. It is rubbish. Buy a new phone and get some free crap magnets - get a life and fuck off.

6. Robotic Answering Things - when I phone a company I do not expect to have to actually speak to a robot who tells me at the outset that it can understand me and then makes me speak loudly and clearly into the phone like a wankstain and then, lo and behold, doesn't understand me. F off.

7. Husbands - when I have recently had vaginal surgery and you decide on a Sunday morning that you will wake me with a toe rubbing my pubes and the line "when can we use that again?" - well you should expect to be told to fuck off.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Ever Wished....

the ground would open up and you would disappear?

Yesterday afternoon I was walking around a corner past a bank in Rangiora. I was the only one on the corner but there were a heap of people around.

A car full of late teens/early twenties came around the corner.

The guy in the front passenger seat yelled out "Hey Wideload, you're causing an earthquake" then laughed and looked at his mates for gratification.

I was unaware for about 5 seconds that he was talking to me, then realised I was the only one of the corner and he was staring right at me and laughing.

I instantly thought "Fuck you, you little shit, as if that bothers me".

But of course it did.

I cringed that my kids, parked three cars away may have heard.

I cringed at the fact that at least 7 other people had heard and seen.

I kept walking, got in the car and went about my business but every second the leering face of the white trash little fuck knuckle sprang into my mind.

And I have not stopped feeling disgusting about myself for the past 18 hours.

It's easy to say "he's a dick, don't let it bother you" and I actually remember giving this advice to a fellow blogger not so long ago, but when it is you, when you self esteem is stripped from you in seconds with a commercial paint stripper, you can't let it go. You can't stop thinking how terrible you must appear to others for someone to even feel compelled to make a comment like that.

Blair wants to scour the town for the little prick and punch his face but I'm not so sure that would solve anything.

But why, when I am obviously at a point where I attract negative attention because of my appearance, can I not do something about it?

So, crack please open, earth please devour me.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

A Plethora of Things

* If it is hot I get horny. The hotter it gets, the hornier I get. It has always been this way and last night, while I was hot and horny (with no chance of acting on it due to sutured vadge), I had an epiphany. Most of the overpopulated countries in the world are hot!! Forget contraception and all that jazz. Forget the traditions. Forget everything else and just focus on this one thing. Could this explain overpopulation?? Take NZ for example, there are way more people living in the North Island (closer to the equator!!) than the South. I think I have cracked it. Do you get hot and horny?

* Allergys suck. Yes, all of them do, hayfever and the like but food allergies, well they suck big time. My two year old has a medium level peanut allergy and gluten allergy. I have only just started having a good look at the peanut allergy and frankly, I am overwhelmed at the amount of "hidden" stuff with peanuts. Lecithin, emulsifiers, food additive 332, hydrogenated vegetable protein. All have peanut in them. What the fuck?? So you can hide peanut and put it in products?? Seems a bit fucked up to me. Any of you have a peanut allergy??

* Why is it that your hair NEVER looks the same as the day you left the hairdresser?? Never!! Sometimes, this is a blessing but other times you are just in pure dismay that you can never recreate that cool haircut in the sanctuary of your own home.

* Double yellow lines exist for a reason people. They mean: you can't pass anyone at the moment because it is impossible to see around corners. If you do pass you are a) breaking the law and b) a fucken arrogant and impatient knob.

* I love saddlery shops. I went in one today and so many memories of horse riding came flooding back that I just about cried with happiness in the store. Then I just about punched the other four women in the store to death because they were all talking about servicing their mares and thoroughbreds and breaking in three year olds and bridles and it fucked me off cos I so wanted to be them. Swanky horse bitches.

* Dog shit should be illegal - nuff said.

* I took my own advice about opening my mind and finding my happy place and went on a Fairy Expedition with a good mate, my Phoebe and Oscar, mate's son. We had a blast but that is another post and there are photos.

* Being overweight and having a food issue sucks arse but is it even worse that I find other fat people intimidating? Is it like I don't sympathise with them as I don't want to be grouped with them and finally have others realise that I too am fat? Why the fuck don't I just feel good and lose weight?? Fucken tell me someone cos I am going to be Jabba soon.

Monday, December 10, 2007


Have posted on Gluten Free Geisha, just in case you give a shit.

Unleash Your Imagination

I watched Bridge to Teribithia with the kids yesterday and it opened up so many old memories.

I used to play out the back of our house in Dunedin and we had a creek and native bush and then a massive hill reserve covered in pine forest. As kids we would spend hours with the neigbourhood kids exploring the creek and the bush. I used to have this one special place that was magic to me and noone else could see me. It was on a little plateau up above the creek and one day I saw a sack of kittens that had been biffed in the creek.
I saved them.
I loved that feeling.

Childhood is a fabulous time where you can let your imagination run wild and it serves as a great balancer to life's everyday stresses.

I need to go play in the forest.

Funnily enough, on Saturday morning we had Peta's dance concert at Oxford Town Hall and we had an hour and a half to kill while the kids got ready for the concert. It was a beautiful hot day and we drove about 10 mins to Ashley Gorge and took the wee girls on a "fairy drive" through all these trees and Phoebe LOVED it.

There is plenty of free natural imagination inducing wonder out there, go forth enjoy it. Whether you have kids or not, get out to your magic place and free your mind.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Feeling Sexy Baby

So, I have had the same long hair doo for fucken donkey's years now. It drags me down and I am over it.

Here it is clipped back:

And here it is out:

Just not doing it for me anymore.

So I went to the hairdresser and asked to get my hair cut like Cheryl West with a few difference like a longer fringe etc. Had no idea what it would come out but I was feeling daring and spontaneous baby!!

And I fucken love it. I felt great at the hairdressers, I felt great when I left the hairdressers, I felt great hours later so I went and bought the hairdresser a sunflower to brighten her day as much as she'd brightened mine:

Okay - please ignore all the expressions in the photos. It is bloody hard to take photos of yourself without looking like a dick.

You may not think I look sexy, and that I don't give a flying fuck about, because baby - I feel hot and have not felt like this in years!!

Monday, December 3, 2007


So, apparently, you can buy plots of land on the moon. I saw it on 60 minutes tonight.

What the fuck??

A guy in Arizona decided to write to the Russian and United States governments informing them that he was putting in a land claim on the moon. He never heard anything back so has been selling assorted sized plots - and the bugger has earnt himself 9 million so far.

I don't know what disturbs me more, the fact that there is a looney out there making a legitimate living out of selling parts of the moon, or the fact that there are that many fricking thick heads that have paid out CASH for a section on the moon. Good luck getting building consents!! Or a plumber!!