Friday, November 30, 2007

Whom I Be Loving #2

Cheryl West

Ok, technically she is a character and not a real person, although I do be loving the actress Robyn Malcolm too.

Cheryl is the hard arse mother in Outrageous Fortune, a classic kiwi series, which I do think you can see in Aussie now too. She is passionate, individual, determined, loves her misfit kids (Pascall the rooter, Jethro the scheming lawyer, Van the wastrel and Loretta the smart arse know it all who is currently pregnant and looking at selling her baby to the highest bidder!!). She stands by her man, she wheels and deals and she knows how to kick arse. She is so white trashy that I love her to bits.

She has a deviate estranged husband who has been in and out of jail for all of their married life, Wolf:

He fucked up too many times so she eventually fell into the arms of another, ironically the policeman that kept busting her family of their petty crimes:

And now someone else seems to be interested in her, Gary:

She has a fucken cool image with her leopard prints and high heels.

She knows how to party.

But most of all, she is real, like every character on this programme. As I grew up I have met the real life equivalent of nearly every one of the Outrageous Fortune characters. They smoke, drink heaps, smoke pot occassionally, love bbq's, cry, laugh, love, root (continuously on the show!!), scheme, fail, suceed. They swear, they get fucked over, they get the odd bonus in life that keeps them going. And Cheryl is the glue that keeps them altogether.

Love ya Chez.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007


Hi there darlings

I am well, recovering and pretty much drug free. My darling Mum and Dad are doing much to look after me and make sure I don't even lift a toothpick for fear that they may have to look after the kids again if it all came undone!!

So ...

back into life:

I was at the supermarket last night with Blair, walking at snail's pace around trying to find something yummy for dinner. As we were walking around I noticed a guy kept walking past us and checking out Blair. When we got to the checkout he came up and did the big "haven't seen you for ages" face and they laughed and yarned and ignored myself and the guy's wife. Being respectable human beings us two "chics" introduced ourselves. She was lovely in personality and appearance, nice curvy, dark curly hair and just naturally beautiful.

After about quarter of an hour of bum slapping reunion type behaviour we (ignored women) figured out that the boys had gone to school together.

The whole time I was standing next to this guy's wife I was overtly aware of my own disgusting appearance. I have two big spots on my cheek due to overindulgence of chocolate at the weekend and not enough water! My hair was limp and tied back in a pony tail. I had on my 3/4 pants so my lymphatic ankles that have never recovered since the Phoebe pregnancy were on full show. I am also fat as a mother fucker!! I haven't lost nor gained any weight in the last couple of months but next to Mrs Naturally Lovely and Charming I looked like a pile of worm infested dog shit.

The whole time I was talking to these people the thoughts were attacking my self esteem.

"What the fuck is poor Blair thinking, oh god, wish my missus didn't look like a Jenny Craig dropout."

"Oh my god, how fat is his wife, four kids or not, what is up with that?"

"Does he actually sleep with that obese maggot?"

These were the tamer of the self loathing thoughts that zipped around my concious mind.

When we got in the car I felt worse. As we watched TV I felt even worse, all night I thought about how fucken hideous I am and the worst feeling I had was "Poor Blair". I honestly have the self esteem of a fucken gnat. I think I am over these issues and then something like this happens and I realise how much I hate who I have become.

I repulse myself and I so wanted to twitch my nose and have the the body and hairstyle I so desperately desire. I am not in a good emotional place.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Absent Note

Dear Mrs/Mr Reader

I am very sorry that Jules has been absent from Blogsville Elementary for the last 2 weeks or so.

We have had difficult times in our house. All the grandchildren have come to live with us on at Bonnydoon. Even the dog came for a stint last week. Jules has been in hospital getting her tubes tied and the back of her vagina wall cut open and restitched, her perinium made bigger, tighter and higher and this was all done due to a pelvic prolapse (not due to having a vagina transplant!!).

We (Mum and Dad Outspoken) have been very worried about her overindulgence in pain relief in the days since she got out of hospital. She is in a lot of pain and won't be back in the writer's seat for a while yet, just short bursts in between Codeine and Voltaren induced comas. We do know that she is walking and looking forward to the serenity out here tomorrow when her eldest child Peta turns 9.

If you have any questions please don't phone, just email or leave a comment as we are outside doing neverending tree planting and digging (as required in the lifestyle block owner's manual) and she is just too darn drugged up to get up off of the couch to answer the phone. She has managed to whip up a gluten free choccie cake (from Scratch) for Peta and has read two Marian Keyes books in two days.

Yours Sincerely

Mother Outspoken (nee Mother Blunt and Tactless)

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Blah Blah Blah

I am feeling blah diddy blah blah.

That is all.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Location Location Location

Yep, another "where I got married" post. Just got in some great photos from a mate that really show the area well. Quite a few were taken the day before, which just happened to be a picture perfect day.


And a couple of pissheads, brothers in arms!!