Monday, December 29, 2008
So I thought it a great time to actually look at what RESOLUTION actually means.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The term Resolution may refer to:
Resolution (Historic), Formal statement of opinion or policy.
Resolution (medicine), the subsiding or termination of an abnormal condition
Resolution (logic), a rule of inference used for automated theorem proving.
Resolution (law), a written motion adopted by a deliberative body.
Resolution (music), a technique in music theory.
Resolution (meter), the replacement of one longum with two brevia
New Year's resolution
Chiral resolution, a process in stereochemistry for the separation of racemic compounds into their enantiomers
Resolution, a Douglas DC-6 aircraft, BCPA Flight 304, which crashed near San Francisco in 1953
The one I like best is the medical version.
THE SUBSIDING OR TERMINATION OF AN ABNORMAL CONDITION
It is not normal (and therefore abnormal) for one to self loathe, for one to intentionally harm their chances of survival, for one to stuff their face full of shite, for one to be unhappy.
This coming year I will make steps to love myself, increase my chances of survival, nourish my body with healthy choices, and above all - I am going to be happy. Happiness is a state of the mind. I can choose what state of mind I reside in the majority of the time. I choose happiness. There is no other choice.
So, it is time to look back at the past year, time has flown by but when I list it out, what has happened?:
January: Blair started working for Dad, we finally got ahead financially and were in a great place, saving hard for Aussie and selling up things like our tent and camping gear.
February: Blair's brother got married, I fell off the gluten free band wagon by eating fresh bread and never looking back. We decided, with a bit of guidance from Dad, that moving wasn't the best idea when we still had debt. I lost my way.
March: Blair got done for drink driving, fell asleep at the wheel, crossed the middle line and ended up in a hedge. Lost license for 8 months. Blair also put the Isuzu into the river, flooding it and putting kids in danger (well his brother was driving but it was Blair's guidance that put him in the hole). I finally made the decision to do something for myself and get some counselling.
April: Shaved my head bald to raise funds for Leukaemia, you darlings helped me raised $800. My brain was cold!! Had first counselling session, found out I had post traumatic stress disorder and more. Found a big four bedroom rental, signed up for it and was all packed and ready to move.
May: Blair threw in his $30/hour job with Dad over difference of opinion, we lost our new rental, went to the Foo Fighters in Auckland (fucken highlight of the year!!), contemplated going hard and using our June tickets to Aussie and I got a job as Office chick a rooney at Truck firm.
June: Blair settled into house bitch position. I was extremely busy and burning candles left right and centre.
July: Stopped studying Naturopathy, too burnt out. Challenged myself big time at counselling.
August: Paid $260 to take Phoebe to gluten expert, not much of an experience. Blood tests galore for me. Tired, exhausted even, feeling undervalued and just struggling to survive a day at a time.
September: A good mate left her husband, my sister's vocal chord froze, work started to suck because of boss and his wife.
October: Turned 33, fatter than ever, reached 115kg, decided that we would fast track the Aussie decision and put plans in place.
November: Blair left for Aussie, day after he left mass showed up in previous lung xray, he returned 9 days later. Lump turned out to be nothing but the shadow of his nipple. I lost my job, forced into resignation by manipulative and evil boss who had already shafted one of the directors and founder of company and the long term office lady. Unemployed.
December: Blair found work temporarily, applied for trainee structures worker position with the railways and we had a lean but fun Christmas, I found out I have prediabetes and I am currently strategizing to start achieving my health goals.
What you been up to??
Friday, December 19, 2008
Blair only got his first pay this week, we had no savings at all, was all spent getting Blair to Aussie and then back again!! After I lost my job and they didn't pay my holiday pay correctly, we have been left very short.
So having no Christmas presents hidden away I have had to do things on a budget.
I have bought things like Barbie plasters, little "men's" shampoo and shower gel packs, Cool Charm spray, groovy new toothbrushes etc etc. I am getting things my kids NEED and turned them into things they are going to like and be happy to open on Christmas Day.
Peta is getting a Miley Cyrus CD (puke!!) and some roller blades.
Ben is getting an All Blacks duvet and polar fleece blanket set and a remote control tarantula (from the supermarket!!)
Phoebe wants pretend high heels and tattoos!! $2 shop.
and little wee Sian is getting a baby stroller which I should be able to pick up for stuff all.
Afterall, it's about the family not the gifts aye???
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
I am starting on the road to health and it is going to be hard. Not so much travelling the road but getting onto the bloody road. How does one get on?? I feel like that chic in the Labyrinth when she can't find a way out of that long maze thing when she first gets into it. I know what to do but how do I actually do it? Planning is going to be the big factor for me.
I have also restarted my Naturopathy. I KNOW!! I can't let it go. I keep trying to but it just keeps coming back so it must be meant to be.
I am about to hop on the scales for the first time in about 2 months.
And the number is:::::::::::
Not actually as bad as I thought. I had presumed it had gotten a lot higher. This time last year I was about 10kg lighter.
So my first goal is to get started.
And not on a diet but on a healthier way of life, something I can sustain and continue.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Not just blogging but on life in general. I have had a hell of a time over the last month.
I lost my job and am taking them to court for constructive dismissal. Apparently I was a bit too outspoken and my job just got taken away from me till I was sitting in an office doing noo tang!!
Have had severe family issues but I am not going into them. They were the worst though!!
I am coming out the other side, reassessing - as we are constantly doing, and I am ready to attack life again. Live it. Love it. Attract good things and repel the bad. I just signed up to complete my naturopathy. I shall fucken do it.
Blair has gone back to work, got the all clear on his lungs after coming back from Aussie with the worry of it all. Apparently it was a nipple shadow. Barstards!!
Anyway, it sent us in a new direction. We are what matter, not where we live or what we have so we are focusing on us as a family, a couple and as individuals. It will be great times ahead.
My blood tests (which I finally had) came back with exceedingly high fasting insulin levels. I am in a state of "pre diabetes" and I desperately need to address that.
My counselling finished, I discovered myself a lot but still feel that I am not quite the full package but what I did realise, is I am the ONLY person that can do anything about that. We choose how we react, act and live. I choose me.
I am sorry I haven't been around and I can promise that I probably won't get to read the 1725 posts that I haven't read yet on bloglines. That is yesterday, that is past, I won't go back. I can only go forward.
I look forward to sharing again.
Lots of love.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Much emotional blubbing and hugs at the airport.
Before he went he was a bit sick. Ages okay we all had it, about 5 weeks ago. Blair never got over his and we thought his onset of hayfever may be taking over and not allowing him to mend.
On Thursday morning we went to the doctor and he mentioned that he had coughed up a big lump of blood the previous Monday. Our doctor sent him for an urgent chest x ray as he knew Blair was leaving for Aussie on Sunday.
We didn't get any call so we thought things were fine.
Tonight my doctor phoned to say that the x ray showed up a 1.2cm nodule in his left lung and that he will need to go and get further x rays in Brisbane. Blair was a smoker for about 14 years, he gave up over 5 years ago.
Just when we thought we were on the way - what the fuck is the universe sending me?
It just has to be fine, we are finally doing it.
It'll be nothing.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Blair is off to Brisbane next Sunday to find work. He is staying with my brother and hopefully has a couple of leads to start him working.
I am stoked but also very apprehensive about it.
Blair is my best friend, my soul mate, my business partner in raising our kids.
We have never been apart more than four nights in our ten years together.
He will come home for Christmas and then go back, find a house and a car etc and then we will head over end of March after my best mate's wedding.
I really want to go straight to the Sunshine Coast but as he has the contacts in Brisbane we may have to settle there first.
(Anyone know of any carpenter positions in the Maroochydore area???)
My sister had her MRI, the results came back "nothing sinister" and then five days later she was phoned to come back and have an ultrasound because there was a growth on her right thyroid. She went for that on Thursday, got a student who did a crap job (including telling her that everything looked fine to her and she didn't even know why they'd bothered to ask her back!!). Then the Radiologist phoned her back the next day and said that the student had done a crap job and that she needed to come back on Tuesday morning, have it done properly by himself and he would be performing a biopsy then and there if he sees anything on her thyroid. I couldn't believe it. That is one of the first things you know as a student of anything, you don't give any prognosis or diagnosis, especially during the ultrasound. You wait for a professional to lood over the results. She's scared but optimistic.
Work has been shite.
There are things happening in the upper ranks with the boss from up north and his shit face wife. Looks like they are staging a take over of the company and that is going to suck arse.
I graduated from counselling.
I have come a long long way in my self esteem and I am coping with things on a whole new level. My outlook on things has improved beyond sight.
Summary to follow
Monday, October 6, 2008
All of you that work with paperwork must, at some point in the working week, use a paperclip.
You buy them by the little plastic bag full.
They are shiny and new in your paperclip holder.
You attach one to a cheque.
You send that cheque to a creditor.
The creditor then puts it in their paperclip holder.
And so on.
Some get unbent and used to clean out nails.
Used as tooth picks.
Others travel and travel, may end up in a bank.
Where is the final resting place of a paperclip or is it destined to travel the world forever?
Some literally will travel from country to country.
I would love to microchip one and see where it goes in winter.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
One of my biggest ailments in stress.
It plays havoc with my health, my emotional wellbeing and my weight.
I have many daily stresses and they are big ones.
My counsellor pointed out to me last night that she has one major stress at the moment that she is dealing with. I am dealing with at least 8 and I have to do something about it and quickly - or die. Seriously, it is that grim.
I am currently working through ways to limit the stress.
You can help.
Give me your ideas about possible solutions. Pick one from the list, two, or all of them if you're keen.
A problem shared is a problem halved.
My Current Stress List:
1. Wife of Big Boss, lives up north, controls all of the accounts, constantly fucks up, gets stressed at me for not doing things her way and then I have to redo things correctly later on. She will not talk to me on the phone, will only email.
2. Workshop administrator leaves tomorrow, I will be doing two jobs for at least a month.
3. Blair gets his license back in 8 weeks. We will get through Xmas and then have to get him back to work. Then have the stress of childcare, along with the cost and for how long?
4. Getting to Aussie, we need to get there, do we send Blair to work here and save slowly and get nowhere fast or do we do it hard in the New Year, send him to Aussie say February to get a job and then we get there a lot sooner?
5. Sister, can I please have some advice on how to stop worrying about the MRI results that she doesn't get until Oct 6th?
6. Finances, struggling to get by on our one wage, really struggling.
7. Kids, they are missing me hugely. Ben especially. It's hard!!
Friday, September 26, 2008
I only have 3 more sessions left.
Woe is me.
I feel like I'm getting there but I would love a little longer. Just have to make quality time of it.
Why do people drive through pea soup fog with their lights off?? WTF is up with that?
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
What do you do when you really want to email her and say fuck off you ignoramus?
You sit here and your blood pressure goes up and you get agitated and then you go home and drink!!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Apparently, sales have decreased steadily over the last couple of years.
Bloody nora!! I fucken love Snifters.
On another note:
Couch time is not time spent lying on the couch!! Couch time is my term for Counselling.
I am discovering so much about myself. My first ever kiss at age 12 has helped shape my sexuality. Sounds bizarre but take a listen:
In Form One, (Year 8 in NZ now and Year 7 in Aussie I think), I had my first ever kiss.
It was with a beautiful young man.
He was a diver.
Short but beautifully built, even at that age. His name was Darren.
I had been in "love" with him for the whole year.
I thought he was just lovely, quieltly spoken but popular, athletic, just a darling.
I finally ended up "going out" with him, you know, we were boyfriend and girlfriend finally, after many months of me admiring him from afar.
2nd or 3rd day in and we had the "kiss" booked in.
I felt this immense pressure. I had never kissed anyone before. He had.
He'd been out with one of those advance sorts of girls before me.
I was so nervous and half the class decided to be present for the event.
I was in a doorway with my boyfriend and after about 20 mins of "get on with it's" from the rabble - we locked lips. It was nice.
But... it was very wet. Bizarre even.
So I mistakenly commented out loud "Ewwww, it's sloppy".
So for the next couple of months I was known as SLOPPY. I was teased about it no end.
Apparently something inside of me made the subconcious decision that from that day forth I would be sexually forward. I would never flinch at any sexual request. Nothing was an issue. I would be "experienced" to save myself from the possible teasing.
If only I knew!!
Monday, September 15, 2008
You overindulge, you get a little lazy and then things happen that make you think twice about it all.
The lady I work with had a heart attack on Friday night.
She is still in hospital.
My sister, who lost her voice and was off to the specialist ....
her right vocal cord is frozen. Not moving at all. The vocal chords both vibrate as you talk. Her right one is paralysed.
There are a couple of reasons this could be.
She could have had a trauma to the chest area. No.
She could have had damage during recent chest or throat surgery. No.
She could have an enlarged thyroid. Not looking like it.
It could be a tumour in the lung. She is off to have an MRI on 27th September (earliest she could get in and that's going private!!)
The test she had that put a tubal camera down through her nose and into her throat showed no nasties there, hence the MRI to have a better look lower down.
She could require long term physio or surgery. A
t best her voice won't come back fully for nearly two years. She's a teacher!! And has two kids. And a husband. She is considering getting a boxing bag as she can't raise her voice - AT ALL!!
So people, take a minute and think what one thing you could do to be a smidgen more healthy today.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
My 35 year old sister-in-law found out she has a 13 year old brother. Her dad is on the birth certificate and all. But is still trying to deny it.
My 31 year old sister lost her voice for three weeks, and she's a teacher.
My cousin won a bronze medal at the Olympics.
My brother, who moved to Brisbane in October last year, got a payrise to $110,000. Wanker.
My best mate got engaged and had an engagement party where we had to dress up in a Kiwiana theme. Blair and I went as Maoris. It was great fun.
Another good mate left her abusive husband. Good one, about time.
Blair has reconnected with one of his brilliant good mates. They had a fall out about 6 years ago and haven't spoken since (he was doing P and Blair hit him up about getting help - in front of his workmates!! He gave that up a couple of years ago and is on track). He lives in Toowoomba with his 24 yr old girlfriend and is working in the Mackay mines and apparently earning over a hundy grand a year for only working four months out of the year?? Blair has loved regaining his connnection and is thinking of moving us to Mackay or Toowoomba!!
One of the guys who raped me is in jail. His dad (who was the one that walked in and found me naked on the mattress the morning after the rape) was on the front page of the Saturday newspaper, it made me very upset.
I have had great great great couch time. More episodes to come.
What have you and yours been up to??
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
I am having my ups and downs, as we all do. That is life.
I have barely read a blog in forever. Went to bloglines tonight and ran screaming at the sheer multitude of posts I have to catch up on. In reality it's just not going to happen. I will endeavour to get up to speed but if I've missed anything big please fill me in as some of you have over 40 posts for me to catch up on - you have too much spare bloody time on your hands!!
I am at my all time highest weight but I'm not going to go into that here, shoot over to The Geisha's Place for that news.
I have been discovering so much about myself it's bizarre. I recommend anyone who is struggling with things in life to get a bit of couch time in. It's like having a friend who has to listen to you whether they like it or not and then they have to say wise things to you and help you see the light. It's brilliant.
I've been working long hours, I really enjoy it. I'm flying up to Auckland in the next couple of weeks for the day and will be doing some training on a computer package we use at work to make me an expert. Then at the end of the month I'm off to an Excutive Administrators Course to learn things like image importance, how to manage different boss's, how to be the middle man etc. I'm really enjoying it all.
As far as Aussie goes, who knows. At the moment it's in the pipeline but that pipe is bloody long.
Kids are great. Off to see the famous Dr Gluten next week for Phoebe. She is having some real issues with ezcema and pale floating stools. Poor wee toerag. Thing we may be looking down the barrel of a dairy free gun as well. She has just started Kindy and is loving it, but we have to get an EpiPen for her peanut allergy and that is going to cost over $170 and only can be used once. It's a bit rough when a common food can kill you and Mum and Dad have to use a third of Mum's weekly income to pay for the 0.2mls of adrenalin that could save your life. And you live over 40mins from the nearest hospital. Anyone, I'm not after any free lunches, I just think Pharmac needs to get it's priorities straight. Over 200 million spent on a meningitis B vaccine that as been found to be near to useless and only lasts for around 7 months and was incidentally never tested on humans before dosed out en masse to our unsuspecting population. How many people die from allergic reactions to foods etc a year compared to meningitis (prior to vaccination)? How many woman die a year from breast cancer compared to meningitis? Don't see the 200 million being shelled out for herceptin? I know there are a million arguments for and against but I feel that this country is run by a pack of pillocks who push their own agendas and go for the big media hitting pity votes.
Have apparently done my rotator cuff in my right shoulder. Don't know if I have mentioned the neck/shoulder pain I've had for the past couple of years but I usually grin and bear it. Yesterday I finally brought it up with the doc and apparently I have quite a problem there. Hopefully will find time to get to physio this week.
There's an update for you!!
Friday, August 1, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
I have realised that this is a very important outlet for me.
Many bloggers have been indicating they are giving up, not got time, it's no longer important. I respect that.
But for me, this is my diary.
These are my feelings.
You are my friends.
I am confronting some big issues with the counselling. They are big big things for me to approach. I am being pushed to confront. I am not good at letting down the guards.
I put on the front, the happy go lucky one.
The I'm Tough one.
The Who Cares one.
The one where I bag myself constantly in hope of getting in before anyone else.
I have become so good at making myself feel like crap that I am actually struggling one hundred thousand percent to actually find anything I like about myself. I am serious.
And you can say all the nice things about me that you can, it's still not going to make me believe any of them.
Here's the thing:
I'm not stupid.
I'm quite on to it in fact.
I can approach most things logically.
If you came to me with the same issues I would debate your worth to you until you believed it.
That is a given.
But, when it comes to actions for myself I just can't believe the words others say.
So I have to challenge my self loathing.
I need to reprogramme the way I hate my body and my actions.
I need to love myself.
A woman is beautiful if she believes in her own beauty and worth.
Those that do shine.
I have seen that transformation in some of you online over the years. The biggest being Shauna. Not only due to her phenomenal weight loss but the fact that she has learnt to love herself and challenge the doubters. Mary (who has recently dropped off the bloggy radar) is another great example of challenging herself and coming out the other side stronger.
And there are many of you out there that do the same.
Steph loves life and lives it and writes it in the way that she wants and stuff the rest of you.
Cazzie is a proud mother of four that is a powerhouse of great thoughts.
Kate is one of the best Mums I have ever met (not quite met!!)
Jo is challenging her ideas of what a job is and is really embracing her art and I love her dearly.
Middle Child has faced overwhelming diversity yet day after day continues to pass on her stories and wisdom.
and finally my darling Becks.
If anyone epitomises how positively believing that you deserve good in life can become a reality - it's her.
I look up to you all, there are so many of you I can't mention each and every one but these are a few of the standouts.
I am starting this process this week. It has been very hard.
I will get there but I want to thank you all for helping along the way.
Monday, July 14, 2008
I am struggling to come up with one thing.
I have been over and over it, I think of something and then I think, well really - you haven't really suceeded at that, if anything you have failed.
So here it goes:
I am successful and changing normal recipes into gluten free ones.
I am successful at getting a job.
I am successful at negotiation.
I am successful at maintaining some friendships.
And sadly, that is all I feel successful at.
What are you successful at?
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Some people knew what they wanted to be from an early age, set there minds to it, overcame obstacles and they are now working in their dream (or what they thought would be) job.
My sister is like this. From about the age of 3 years old she wanted to be a teacher. She failed School Cert a number of times (Year 10 in Aussie?) but she persisted, went to night classes and got into Teacher's College. She gained her Bachelor of Teaching in 2000, then got married and had two kids, started volunteering at the local school, then got relieving work there, then got some long term relieving and eventually applied for a permanent position on staff and got it. She is living out her childhood dream.
Some people thought they knew but changed their minds along the way, then finally settled on the one job that fitted them.
Others had no idea, then did something random like join the airforce as an accounts administrator and then ended up going from strength to strength and are now one of the only female helicopter pilots in the NZ Airforce, living the dream.
Others had no idea, left school, did an Arts degree, then just went on and found a job and are unhappy as hell doing it, but they are not sure what else there is for them.
Others went to Uni, did the degree they always wanted and are progressing through their career just as they had imagined and now are thinking of branching out, changing direction.
Others have no bloody clue.
I sort of fall into a number of these categories.
I always wanted to be a vet. Loved horses and all animals.
Then, in high school decided that, as I exceled at English, I would be a good journalist. So I went on the high school journalism exchange sort of thing in Wellington where I submitted some work for the Evening Post.
Then I moved to Christchurch, different high school, different friends, different approach. I decided I wanted to join the Airforce. That lasted for about ten minutes. I got a boyfriend and left school to work in administration and accounts. Bring in some money, etc blah blah.
After that all went to shit I decided that I would like to go back to the animals thing and did some volunteering at Orana Wildlife Park and headed to Dunedin to study Animal Science and Technology. In this time I spent a lot of early mornings with my Aunty, a race horse trainer.
Then I came back to Christchurch, did shit all and decided to go to Uni and do an Arts degree. Pulled out within months and went back to accounts and admin. Never any aspirations to work in that area - just what I knew, could do it well.
Headed off to Massey University to become a vet, finally doing what I really wanted to do - or so I thought. Within weeks I was pregnant and that ended that.
When Peta was about 2 months old I started studying Naturopathy part time. Being pregnant had made me appreciate what effect different things had on my body and I was into having a holistic approach.
So, the last 9 years have been spent striving for the goal of becoming a Naturopath, all the while working in accounts to get me through it.
But I love so many different things and I have no idea really what my dream is anymore.
That was until the other day, I started trying to convince Blair that he should do something like nursing. Then I thought - I have worked as a nurse aide and did it well. I have done so many anatomy and physiology papers, have my veterinary nursing, have a natural affinity with people, am a natural carer. Why the fudge packer did I not become a nurse when I was younger? I could be up there now, nurses are on way better money in Queensland than in NZ? Woulda shoulda coulda??
Then I had the epiphany moment.
I was driving along the road to work.
Every morning I pass the race track.
Every morning I am too busy to look.
This morning I wasn't.
The nostalgia, the desire, the emotion took over me.
A mighty thoroughbred, a frosty morning, the grandstand in the background, the warm air of the gorgeous animal's breath hitting the frosty morning air giving the appearance of a snorting dragon.
I could just about feel the pent up strength between my thighs.
I could feel the crisp air on my face making my cheeks red.
I could feel the ache in my forearms from keeping the powerhouse in check.
I could hear the sound of the hoofs dancing on the cold earth.
I started to cry.
I started to really cry.
I loved my aunty with a passion. She was there for me through thick and thin. Some of you will know what I mean, you have someone that is extremely close to you, not a parent but you had special outings, special times with them.
She died 6 years ago in September. I loved her to bits and her passing made me extremely sad. Bone Cancer, enough said.
She loved her horses, she was also a nurse - go figure!!
Is it right to follow your dreams or should you do what is "expected" of you. A comfortable job? A steady job?
We only have one chance at this.
What is your dream job? Are you living it or are you pushing it's head down under water?
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Have been run off my gluteus maximus with work, studying, husband and son's birthdays, illness and the like.
Mum and Dad threw a bombshell at us last week.
They have decided to move to the Sunshine Coast too.
Talk about gooseberrying our escape!!
Work is fucken great. I love it.
Everyone swears and takes the piss and my boss is brilliant, let's me take off 2 hours on a Monday to go to counselling. Just brill.
Study is getting done although have really burnt the candle at both ends and have decided to take a new approach. I have been doing it at night and sometimes am not getting to bed until after midnight. Sex life is nil. Communication is nil. Sleep is near to nil.
So I take a new approach soon. I am determined to be a naturopath one day - if it kills me.
I think Blair is a bit depressed. I think he is feeling isolated at home. This may not be true but it's what I think.
I'm loving the routine of working.
Blair watches Dr Phil.
Love you all.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Most recent news item to take my attention is the discovery of a lost tribe in the Amazon.
They have been found.
Aerial photos are streaming into all forms of media.
Do gooders are arguing about getting in there and "helping" them. What with? A bible and some nice nasty diseases? How about some alcohol and some violent Play Station games.
I say leave the poor barstards alone to live in their divine existence where life is simple, about eating and reproducing and survival and love.
How much I wish I belonged to a lost tribe.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Office Administrator for the South Island branch of a truck company that makes and services big rigs.
I am starting up the role, no one been there before.
So it's official.
My husband is now a house bitch.
So I will saving hard for the big move, June next year. I so wanted to run and go June 23rd but had to be realistic and not throw my family into turmoil. So we are going next year, a good 12 months to get sorted.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Then plays a couple of episodes on a Sunday night at 9.30pm.
I am hooked.
Riveting, humourous, hard hitting drama, based on true events no less.
And then after a couple of episodes the fucken idiots go and pull it and put it on at 11.15pm on a Tuesday night??
What the fuck?
I love this show and I can't believe I am going to have to sit up to all hours of the night for this!!
TV3 you are going to lose my patronage if you don't sort your shit out. I don't know about you as a fellow viewer but I am over the reality TV, the neverending crime investigation shows and medical dramas. I was thoroughly enjoying every minute of the fresh new UNDERBELLY and I know of at least 10 people in my close knit group that loved it too. Part of the buzz was that it was based on true events and real characters. And recent events!!
If you too loved this show and want to show your disgust, do what I have done and go to TV3's website and go to the Contact Us section and send them an email saying how pissed off you are. I am really angry, not just using this as blog fodder. I think it's crap to put something on and then pull it like this.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Can life be so damn unfair?? Not in a hideous terrible cancer sort of way but the shit that keeps coming my way, or more to the point, Blair's way!
On Thursday morning Blair, who is working for my Dad, decided he'd had enough of Dad's anal ways and had been lectured one too many times on something and decided to tell Dad to fuck off. Dad responded with "fuck off yourself and find a new job" to which Blair replied "sweet, your call" and walked off. Then he phoned me to come pick him up as he has no license - remember?? So that is that.
I have handed in my notice here already but not signed up for the new house yet. So I can't afford the new house and not sure if I have the old one still, half the house is already packed, for once in my fucken disorganised life I was on the ball and packed up really early!! The beds are down, kids are sleeping on mattresses and the only things they have in their rooms are drawers!! The linen cupboard is packed, the pantry is half packed and the kitchen has a only one cupboard unpacked.
The CD's are packed.
I am up in the fucken air.
It is very hard whilst looking at the jobs on the net and in the paper for Blair as they nearly all stipulate "full drivers license". I have applied for a nightfill position at the local supermarket but that won't support a family of 6!! I thought I could go to work fulltime but then Blair would be at home with no transport and four kids to get all over town and we don't have public transport out here, other than what heads into the big city. And it's a bit rough to make the kids walk to school in the zero degrees temps and pouring rain that we are getting at the moment.
Sooo.... What the fuck do you do??
I suggest that we go hard, both get work, me at night, Blair during day and use what little savings we have and use the tickets that are still sitting there rearing to go to Brisbane on the 23rd June and make a new start away from the controlling parents. Love them to bits but they dictate everything in my life, from what haircuts my kids should have to what place we should move to. We could shack up in a self contained cabin for the first couple of months and then we wouldn't have the set up costs to get into a rental. The dog could be left with the dog trainer who we are breeding her through in August and she could take all the puppies as payment??
what ya reckon? Seriously - what are your honest opinions?
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
It was so enlightening.
I met the counsellor, Jo, who was so easy to get on with. We chatted and went through a tiny bit of my history and filled in the ACC form and she came up with a bit of a diagnosis.
She thinks my anti depressants aren't really working as well as they should be and she also told me I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was a bit dubious but then she explained herself.
Earlier in the session she had asked me how aware of my surroundings I was. Quite proudly I informed her that I had often thought that I would be a good detective because I always remember and take note of things around me. For instance, I was driving down West Belt last Wednesday night at about 7pm and I saw a blonde girl with a ponytail, short skirt (part of the Rangiora High School uniform), no jacket on even though it was drizzling and cold, listening to an iPod. She was walking North and I noted the time to be 7.22pm (I picked up my cellphone to check it). She had just walked past a white car on her side of the road and it was at about the point where she would be opposite the two storeyed pale yellow house with the circle shutters on the 2nd storey.
My counsellor had looked at me with a wierd expression when I had gone into so much detail. But that is just one of so many I could retell. She explained at the end that this is PTSD. That I am hypersensitve and hyperaware of what goes on around me as I am always on the defensive.
That was interesting to me.
When I first got diagnosed with depression was when Ben was 2. My aunty had died of bone cancer in the September and I had gotten engaged in the October. It was 2002. I wasn't coping that well. Had lost my job in the June due to restructuring, I had loved that job. I was working in a dementia unit doing the 5pm - 11pm shift. It was mad. One day Blair said something a little bit on the grumpy side. I cried and cried and cried, and could not stop. I went to Mum and Dad's later in the day and said I was worried that I couldn't stop crying. My tonsils had been removed about a month earlier and I had bled out twice and ended back in hospital twice. I was convinced by my father that I had depression and that I needed to go to the doctor. I went the next day and cried my heart out to my darling doctor. He went on to explain that he himself has depression and knows when it is out of balance because if he has fewer patients than normal he is convinced that no one likes him anymore, not the more realistic explanation that people are just healthier that week!!
At this time I went under Pysch Emergency Services and got some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. At the time I mentioned the sexual assault and the pyschologist had told me that CBT was a different thing and I would be better at looking at some further counselling for that issue. I never did. I fell pregnant with Phoebe and had to come off the meds. I coped, sometimes only just, during that pregnancy and then plodded along through some ups and downs, as we all do.
Then I got mentally ill again, see this post for recollection, and ended up back on the same anti depressant. I have plodded along since but never really feel 100%.
As I went through the initial interview with the counsellor she asked a lot of questions regarding the sexual assault. She was worried that I didn't seem to recognise it as out and out rape and she spelt it out for me that it was. She thinks that the fact that one of the offenders moved into the same street as us at the end of 2002 has more to do with the reason I got full blown depression than the other factors. She thinks I have a way of putting the bad things to the back of my reality but they are controlling it.
I already feel better knowing that I can justifiably label my assault as rape. I am on the way to becoming a better person. It's time for me to start letting go and releasing the fat suit that hides me away.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Hip hip hooray!!
This is the view of it from the lawn:
And this is looking out to the lawn:
Yay for having some bloody room to breathe!!
The bootylicious Kitty has tagged me and I thought I had better not be rude so here goes:
1. You must include this link to Sex Talk - Sex Advice for Men.
2. You must answer every question! If you don’t have a good answer, you are strongly encouraged to make up something good; we like to be entertained.
3. You must tag three people.
1. Sex in the Morning or Sex at Night?
I love sex anytime but there is nothing like early morning pumpings!!
2. Better Sex Music - Sade or Marvin Gaye?
It's been a long time since I've bothered with music and neither would be suitable for my "love you long times".
3. Naughty Pics or Naughty Home Videos?
Pics, but god forbid my kids ever find them!!
4. Fabulous Sex With: Dr Doug Ross or Dr Greg House?
Who is Doug Ross? Have no idea. House?? Well I wouldn't do him either although love his tude!!
5. Vibrator or Dildo?
Haven't tried a dildo, love the silver bullet, but the buzzing is a bit off putting and hard to have a sneaky masty when the flatmates are in the house
6. Bedroom Sex: Lights Off or Lights On?
I like a little bit of distant light but not too much
7. Word Preference: Pussy or Cunt?
Pussy, the other one is harsh.
8. Spanking Over the Knee or Spanking Only During Sex?
I love getting my butt whacked during the deed.
9. More Exciting: Sex in an Elevator or Sex in an Aeroplane?
Neither, I don't like small places
10. Ron Jeremy or Peter North?
I don't know who Peter North is and there is no way in hell I would let Ron Jeremy touch me with anything. Oooooh yuck
12. Linda Lovelace or Jenna Jameson?
Jenna, she amps it up
13. Rope Bondage or Bondage Tape?
silky scarf or handcuffs
14. Give Rim Job or Receive Anal Sex?
I don't get off on the poo jab so definitely the first
15. Get Rich Stripping in a Skanky Bar or Get Rich as a Call Girl for Celebs?
Stripping but I don't think many people would pay to see me in all my glory
16. Which Threesome - Boy/Girl/Girl or Boy/Boy/Girl?
17. Flavoured Oil or Tingling Oil?
18. Pearl Necklace or Swallow?
19. Sex While Strangers Watch or Sex With a Stranger?
Both in my dreams!!
20. Tied to the Bed or to a St Andrew’s Cross?
I'm tagging...Becks, Mellissa and Lynda (purely to raise your G Rating!!)
Thursday, April 17, 2008
I have to confess that I have been such a fucken slackarse that I really deserve to be kicked off my course. I received my units a couple of months ago, Phoebe went into Montessori three afternoons a week and I haven't done a smidgen of bloody work. I will be lucky not to be kicked off the course. Granted I have been sick for a couple of weeks, which always puts you off doing anything head wise, but I have never been so slack before. AAARRGGGHHH.
I am looking at a bigger house. We are in a small 3 bdrm rental and it is so little that I am going insane. There isn't room to swing a cat. I have found one and am just waiting for the realestate agent to find me a time to view it, although I'm pretty sure I will take it, has 4 brdms, rumpus room, 4 car garaging a is set on two titles so is a large section. It is $130 more a week than we pay now but the place we are in was a temporary situation while we built, then while we waited to move to Aussie and with nothing else impending on the horizon now, I need some space. I am worried about making the move as Blair's job is not guaranteed past August due to the slowing market but we will make it work, damn it, we made it work 4 years ago when we were on much less income paying $350 a week so $380 shouldn't be too bad??
I spend too much bloody time reading blogs so have decided to cut it down a bit. If I don't comment it doesn't mean I ain't reading once a week or so but I just can't continue at this rate. I am even getting a wrist problem from it. And is one of the main reasons there is no study happening.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
How does it feel to have no hair? Strangely liberating!! I feel free from hair hassles, really I do!!
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
I have decided to get my head out of my own arse and do something for others.
On April 13th I will shave my hair bald to help raise funds for the Leukaemia & Blood Foundation of NZ.
Go here: Shave for a Cure
and sponsor me to shave me head. All funds go towards research, patient support etc and this is a well worthwhile cause.
Or you can go to www.shaveforacure.co.nz and search my name (Julie Nathan) so you can sponsor me (that's if you haven't figured out how to click on the link above).
When I was in my second year of school I had a wee boyfriend Matthew and he got leukaemia and died and this is my way of saying "I still remember you!".
So sponsor away, let your friends know and even advertise my plight on your blog, together we can all hopefully raise some good money for some good people.
Thanks in advance for you support.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
When I was younger I used to think that I would always be successful and famous and that the fact I liked the cold water tap blasting when I brushed my teeth would be mentioned in a piece written about my desire for fast paced success. This was at age 12!!
I have a crazy habit of knowing that things are about to run out, example when your moisturiser gets harder to get a good dollop out, I turn it upside down, I flick it vigourously to get the remnants to the bottom of the tube and I can milk the bloody thing for a couple of weeks this way. The thing I don't understand, a major flaw in my powers of perception perhaps, but when it finally gives up and has nothing more to give I never had a backup, it's like I had no idea it was on it's last legs. What the fuck is up with that??
I believe in karma, reincarnation, souls and free will.
Blair's mother's dog is tiny, about 11 years old, it's a long haired chihauhau and it looks like a tiny black and tan border collie. Like tiny!! It has a massive tumour coming out of it's nipple, has had it growing for over a year and the woman has neglected to take it to the vet. Now it is an issue that I can't ignore and Blair is talking about calling the SPCA on her cos she won't do anything about it.
What a bitch.
I think I have a fat mound. You know, the bits that your pubes reside on?? Well, how do you tone that area up??
What is up with pubes?? Why are they so mean looking? I mean normal hair is soft and flows. Pubic hair is coarse, wirey, and just looks aggressive. It's just not nice.
Have a good weekend
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
So I have sulked and whinged and dwelled on things for bloody ages.
I just had a big cry to my Mum on the phone.
I have decided to put a big focus on making me happy, the rest should all fall into place.
The first thing I need to do is get some counselling for me re the rape, weight, self esteem.
I am on to that today.
I have put Blair in charge of the money, I am over organising it and taking the stress. Time for him to step up and be the man about the house.
I have my weight watchers and my dog training, that is my time out but I would like something else. I have been enjoying walking the last week so I'm going to be doing more of that.
I have noticed that I am in a cirlce pattern of not getting anywhere fast.
Round and round I go.
Well I have just chosen to take my own life by the horns.
I don't want to be the sort of person that complains about all that is wrong.
My mother told me that when she had Peta over the weekend they were digging holes at on "the farm" and Mum commented on how Dad (Peta's Grandad) wouldn't notice her missing till it came to tea time if she fell in the hole. And Peta commented "no one would miss me at all if I fell in".
So that speaks volumes about the sort of mother I have become. Only focused on my own constant issues and my issues with Blair. Time to be the best damn mother ever.
What have you decided today??
Monday, March 17, 2008
Thursday night we have a general argument.
Friday I write him a letter.
Friday night he reads my letter and still chooses to go out for a beer with some buddies in Christchurch rather than talk out our issues. In our conversations pre him leaving for his night out I hound him to tell me whether he still finds me attractive. After much pressure he admits that he does and he doesn't. My weight is finally taking it's toll on the way he views me.
I get mad.
Then I get sad.
Then I get a text saying he loves me and always will.
I let him know I love him too but I am not prepared to go on like this.
I get a phone call at 4am.
He doesn't know where he is, he is in his car, he can't get out of the door. He just wants to be home. I hear a car. I hear it getting closer and closer. I feel my tummy flip as it gets too close, then whizzes past. He is right on the side of the road somewhere. He gets out the other door, still talking to me. He waves another car down.
It's the police.
He's had an accident, fallen asleep at the wheel, veered across the road and ended up in a hedge. He was supposed to stay in town at a friends place. He is over the limit, immediately loses his license and is off to court.
He gets home around 5am.
A couple of hours later I go to find the car, when I do find it I also see an ambulance and police car there. Another driver has slowed down to see if anyone injured and the guy following her has literally veered over the top of her car, flipped and landed upside down in a very deep ditch. He is taken to hospital with facial injuries.
When I climb across broken glass to driver's seat I freak out. Above the steering wheel, about one mm from the windscreen, right at the level of one's head, is a massive branch about 10cm in diameter. If he had gone in one smidgen more he would have either been dead or severely injured.
Get car home with help from some friends, the passenger window has been kicked in and all his carpentry tools stolen. Thousands of dollars worth.
He is very quiet.
He is very sorry.
But it's me who has to pay.
I have to get up and drive his sorry arse to work early in the morning as he works out in the country and works by himself.
We have fines, loss of license, have to buy all his tools again so he can work and, if i don't want to have to spend an hour everday picking him up and dropping him off, we have to try and apply for a work permit for him to work at the cost of a grand.
MEN ARE FUCKEN PILLOCKS
Thursday, March 13, 2008
How about we do it with four kids in the truck??
Shall we misjudge the depth of the river and plough nose deep into a big hole?
Then we could pass the older three kids out the back of the truck then completely forget about them while we concentrate on getting the three year old who is screaming out??
Whoops, what if those three kids that were already out weren't thinking straight in this sort of panic situation and instead of walking back from where they came in the river walked to the closest side which was straight into the big hole?
And let's just say that the 7 year old who couldn't swim got picked up by the current and swept away?
Wouldn't it be lucky if he managed to grab the front bullbar so he didn't drown??
Wonder it it would be a good idea to get Jules to come get the kids, she can cross the bridge and see her 4WD nose deep in the river and not freak the fuck out!!
Then shall she arrive just in time to see the truck pulled out with help of a fellow man and then see the doors open with cascades of water waterfalling out??
Wouldn't it be priceless if it then cost $1,152 to fix??
MEN ARE GEEKS!!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Back feeling great. My sister in law came out and helped me get out some photos and art and put them on the wall, put up my big mirror, rearrange my lounge and next week we are going to hit the bedrooms. Amazing how making the house feel like a home has such a different feel to it.
Blair and I have been getting on better, we had big yarns and he seems more settled knowing that we aren't making any big moves.
I took the crazy dog to her obedience classes for the first time on Thursday night. I have had to keep missing them because of various reasons and finally was ready to go when I noticed her bleeding, the bitch was in heat. So I rang the trainer and she said just bring her!!!! She was fantastic for me and we are looking at breeding her with one of the trainer's dogs who is coming from Aussie in a couple of months. He is half border collie and half Siberian Husky, such a wicked mix. And I am looking at maybe doing a bit of agility with her to try and get her interested and chilled out a bit!! And it gives me something to focus on.
The naturopathy notes are out and ready to go. I have finally organised a work space for myself and I like it.
So the big thing that I need to work on is my self esteem, fitness and ballooning weight.
Any of you that may have noticed Gluten Free Geisha has shut down, well it's going to be back up. If I'm not writing about it and keeping myself accountable to someone or something, I just lose it. I have hit the 105 mark again. What the fuck!!!!!!!!!!!! I have put on 6kg since the wedding, nearly a stone and it is killing me.
So, I'm back into bloggin cos I need you mofo's and this will be my fuck it all outlet and GFG will be my weight loss struggles and self image struggles. Of course, they may overlap but that is my perogative as I am woman!!
Batteries are charging as we speak so I can finally get this bloody photo post up.
Ciao, I'm off to read some of you geeks as I haven't made time for it for ages!!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
There are atrocities of major kinds occuring in far off places, and probably just around the corner too.
Plenty of people in the world today have found out that they have a terminal illness.
Mothers are getting visits from policemen to tell them their son/daughter has died in a car crash.
Women are being beaten by their so called protectors every night.
So who the fuck am I to feel so shit about my lot??
It is a horrible feeling to feel like everything is shit and you have no direction in life.
My kids are healthy, my family is safe and sound but things just seem to be hurtling down a black hole faster and faster.
Our move to Aussie is off, we had to analytically look at the figures and it just didn't make sense when Blair was on good money here for us to go, especially with interest rates and rents donig the massive leap over there as well.
So where does that leave us?
The house build opportunity has come and gone.
The house we live in was supposed to be a 6 month temporary abode whilst building! It is small, too small for us.
My weight is climbing.
My self esteem doesn't exist.
My husband and I are at war all the time. Not out and out war but the sort of little commando missions that break down the enemy forces and after a good year will shatter everything.
Blair is never happy.
I am always taking everything he says personally, then again "you're a fucking lazy slob" and "you're a fucking idiot" have tendancies to feel rather personal.
We have sex maybe once a month.
This has been going on for a couple of years.
I have no doubt he loves me but I think he doesn't fancy me anymore.
I think he hasn't since I first put on weight 8 years ago, we've been together 9 next month.
He is not happy with his lot.
I am not happy with my lot.
But this is the thing, I don't feel I have the right to feel this way when you look at all the poor souls out there dealing with much bigger crap.
We have decided to ride the market out and spend the next three years renting while we save a hefty deposit, if the impending Aussie move taught us anything it was that we could save if wanted to and set our minds to it.
We have also decided we need another rental property, a long termer that we love.
We found one.
Well I did, it's in Loburn, out country and it has huge grounds, four bedrooms and a rumpus room. Oh and a dishwasher and an ensuite.
Blair wanted it too.
Then he didn't want to move the kids to the country school so I pulled out of the running.
Then he changed his mind and said let's go for it.
So I reapplied and did all of the application, references etc today.
Then he got home from work and is freaking out that we are overcommiting ourselves because what if the building boom dies right off and Dad can't supply him with work and he has to work elsewhere??
So I just deleted all my photos of my ideal situation. Deck looking out to two paddocks that lead to the river.
A pony paddock.
A chook shed.
Huge trees and adventures and fun to be had everywhere.
So I'm going to pull out of the running again in the morning because if track records have taught me anything they have taught me that if we make this move and things go pear shaped then who will bear the blame for it all?? Moi of course!!
I have made and broke fifty different ideas in the last week since we made the Aussie is Off decision and I am just feeling flat and like I am at a point in my life where I have suddenly time warped to and have no idea how I got here and why I chose to come in the first place.
Life takes different turns, twists and you encounter many forks in the road. I feel like I am at a twenty road intersection and I have no idea which one to take, or even if there is a path to follow at all.
So that is why the lack of blogging (oh and the photos will come!!)
Monday, February 18, 2008
Tell me what you want to see and I will attempt to take a photo and post it.
I remember that I wanted to see Beck's letterbox.
So think of all the bizarre or normal things you would like to see of a photo of that concern me and we will see how it pans out.
And no you will not be seeing photos of the new vadge so don't even ask!!
Monday, February 11, 2008
As if mothers don't have enough time consuming tasks to complete without having to cover over 30 books with the most impractical shit ever invented.
My very recent experience (until 1.12am this morning!!) had me encounter the following issues:
1. Getting the wrapping off the duraseal, anyone would think this gold the way it's so securely cling wrapped!!
2. Then I come across the sellotape to keep the roll in roll format (as if the over zealous cling wrap wasn't enough to do this??). Is this possibly THE stickiest sellotape in the world? It nearly peeled the duraseal off it's sticky backing just trying to get it off. As I had six rolls of duraseal to open last night I could of a) not had to contend with the five mins each bit of sellotape took to take off and b) not had to contend with the sticky residue the stickiest tape in the world left on the duraseal so that I ended up having to place the name labels in bizarre places to cover these sticky anomalies!!
3) How long do these rolls actually stay rolled before being released upon the unsuspecting public?? I found it a near impossible feat to keep the fucken roll unrolled!! If I didn't lay something heavy on one end I would never haven managed to cut off any sections!!
4) Do you wankers even consider the size of exercise books when you size up these rolls?? There was always a 10 - 15 cm excess at the end of the roll, over 6 rolls that is plenty of wasted bloody duraseal that would only be able to cover books for smurfs.
5) What is with the difficulty levels in being able to actually separate the backing paper from the duraseal? Is this meant to just fuck me off, cos it does!! And then 3 times out of ten, when I peeled off the backing, it had actually taken the stickiness on the backing paper, leaving the actual duraseal as sticky satin sheets!!
6) Why the bloody hell does the duraseal ALWAYS end up with air bubbles in it??? No bloody matter how slowly and definitively I placed and rolled the books onto the duraseal I would always end up with frickin bubbles.
If you were that bloody brilliant in inventing shit you would have just approached the manufacturers of exercise books and come up with an offer to add your product to their books during production so us poor haggard mothers could just buy the bloody things all ready to go, even with name labels already on them (now that's thinking outside the square!!) and all we would have to do is write the midget's name, class and subject on each one and that would be it.
So next time you are thinking of inventing a sticky, completely user-unfriendly product, think again, or I may just go postal on your arse!!
Saturday, February 9, 2008
"Let's go into Harringtons" was the call.
I was, typically, with all blokes.
Harringtons was an out of the way pub in town that brewed their own beers etc, one being Ngahere Gold, which has since been forbidden to be sold in kegs because a young guy died after drinking too much of it at once.
After a jug of Ngahere the memory of the night was gone.
Didn't remember leaving Harringtons with all me bloke buddies, didn't remember going to Fat Ladies which was on the other side of town.
Didn't remember getting hooked into a certain someone in the carpark outside Fat Ladies, who had a girlfriend and who always beelined for me when I was horrendously pissed.
First memory after arriving at Harrington's was me trying to kick the window of a car in the Fat Ladies carpark that closely resembled my own car. A couple of minutes until I realised it wasn't. Thank fuck I hadn't actually managed to break it.
Another couple of minutes of disorientation until I realised that I was in fact standing there in my bra with my trousers on.
Another 15 minutes of searching the carpark for my top, with no joy.
Oh shit, where is my wallet??
So, here I am standing in the middle of town at 2am in the morning, drunk, no top, no wallet and apparently - no car either!!!!
What can I do??
A passing couple decided to call me a cab.
Cab driver refused to take me anywhere as I had no wallet.
Can you call a friend??
Only person I knew that could help me out without killing me (eg no parents to be involved)was Linda.
"If I bring this young lady to your house will you pay for her taxi upon arrival? She has no top on and no wallet"
When I arrived at Linda's she wasn't too happy with me.
She was getting married in the morning.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Blair and I have had words this evening, as we all do.
It's been along a day, it's been a long week come to think of it.
Kids are fucken tired, I am fucken tired and I am not reacting very well.
I am reacting like I do when I am in bad depressed state.
A lot of things have come out of me this month emotionally.
Found Peta's birth dad, who knows nothing about her and whom I only knew by nickname, by pure accident on Facebook (fucken evil thing).
That caused a rift with Blair and I as he thought I was deviously doing something that affects the family behind his back - I wasn't.
Then a fellow blogger posted a terrible event in her life and it was spookily nearly the exact same thing that had happened to me when I was 17 and miscarried while breaking up with my boyfriend and the series of events that led me to throw myself in front of a car in drunken despair. It bought a lot of pain to the forefront again.
Just the every day shit of life is getting on top of me.
And I reacted to some tired cranky words from Blair with an hour's worth of crying and lying on my bed thinking of ways to kill myself.
Don't go spare on me, I often do this when I am depressed and tired. I don't follow it through, luckily I have my kids to pull me back to earth but my heart aches with despair and I just feel the urge for it to be way over!!
I have a fucked up head, am on antidepressants already. Being put under to be operated on as I was in November always fucks with my head. Supresses the nervous system making the neurons not transmit and spark the way they should.
Who gives a fuck about the anatomy of it all but I just have this leaden feeling that makes my brain think irrationally.
Arse shit whore bitch.
Monday, February 4, 2008
There are also many benefits.
You get to remember all that was said and done.
You get to dictate the terms a wee bit.
You have your husband forever in your debt for driving him and his extended family around until 4.30am.
You always get into the clubs as you don't look like you're drunk, because you aren't I suppose!!
You can still dance around and be a headbanger at the pub with the live band because everyone else, except the people you are driving, think you're drunk.
The people you are driving often forget you aren't drunk too.
You don't have to pay through the roof for a bloody cab.
You get to laugh your arse off at two of your husband's aunty's having a fight in the back of your vehicle (esp when they start calling each other cunts and threaten to punch each other's lights out).
You get to keep your wits about you around your husband's uncle who was released from jail a couple of years ago for violent rape (nice genetics there darling!!).
You get to wake up just feelng tired and not like you've eaten some woolen socks, have a fire inside your belly and a punk band inside your head.
You don't need the next morning crappy feed as you are quite happy with a light brekkie.
Then you go to the post wedding barbie and you are told by generous husband (of course nothing to do with seediness!!) that you can drink today and he'll drive.
So you have a bottle of bubbly, get tipsy immediately and want to carry on.
Then hubby decides to go diving with the groom and some cuzzies from the far north.
They are gone for 6 hours!!
So who sobers up very quickly to be in charge of her four offspring??
I still had a great time - absolutely brilliant wedding, powhiri the night before and barbie the day after. There was a lot of culture and love and the bride's extended family, all from north of Whangarei, were absolutely darling people. Genuine as hell and just considered you part of their family immediately.
I LOVE THAT!
What does your family do at weddings??
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
With the impending move to the Coast of Sunshine we have the dilemma over whether we take the resident Nutbar with us.
Blair is adamant we do.
I am a bit up in the air. I love her to bits but I am also practical to the stress of moving a family of six to another country, the hassles of gaining rental properties with a dog, the new climate, the paralysis tick and heartworm etc etc. Not to mention the $1162 quote we have received to transport her there.
When it comes down to it, if Blair won't budge he won't budge but .....
What would you do? Would you deal with the judder bars and go with your heart or deal with the heartache of leaving her and go with the easier bump free ride??
And it you just comment "I don't like dogs so don't take her", be warned I will tell you to get a life as I want you to think outside the square and look at the bigger picture, if you don't like dogs think of something you do love.
Friday, January 25, 2008
You are looking forward to the start of the weekend, a bit of nooky for the first time in three months and just some chill out time.
Then your 14 month old wakes at 3.46am with a temp and crying. You settle her in with you and get her off to the doc first thing. She is lethargic and refusing to have a bottle or any food. She just quietly observes the house.
Doc does all sorts of tests, blood sugar, thrush of mouth, strep throat, puts urine collection bag on etc etc. Probably viral - if you're a mother you have heard this phrase a million times.
As you put kids in car and run in to grab prescription for Pamol your eldest yells out Sian's vomitting.
Doc comes out to reassess and concurs to still carry on.
On way home you realise that your Mum was dropping Phoebe off at 12.30pm, it's 12.15am and you're 25mins from home. You speed up a little but only on the motorway.
Mr Plod is hiding behind an overbridge, pulls out, lights on and motions to you to pull over.
You do so.
He asks if there was any reason you were going 115 in a 100 zone. Daydreaming perhaps? Actually Constable, my daughter has just vomitted and I am just keen to get home.
Actually Constable, I lost it on a night out 2 years ago and haven't gotten around to getting it yet. (mind flashing $150 instant fine for not having license on me)
Do you realise your diesel road user miles are over the limit. By 6,500kms. They cost $34 a thousand Kms and you have to pay 3 x that as a fine (mind flashing $750 fine).
Oh, and your rego seems to have expired last week? (mind flashing $200 fine).
Goes and checks my details and comes back with speeding ticket. For $80.
If you pay the diesel miles by next Wednesday I won't sent out a fine, there will be no other fines but please get everything sorted.
Have a nice day!!
When do you ever get treated this nicely by a cop??
When you cleavage is looking this fine, that's when:
Thursday, January 24, 2008
About two weeks ago I had to worm myself as I had threadworm (motherhood perils!!).
Then I got thrush the next day after I got the all clear on the vadge being used. And the first night Blair fell asleep while I was yakking to my darling brother in Brisbane. So a week later the new love tunnel has yet to be driven through.
Over the weekend I developed blisters from my shoes, I have pulled my right achilles tendon and developed an ulcer right below my middle bottom teeth.
Then last night something got stuck in my gum between my bottom left teeth, they are very tightly jammed and I have flossed, brushed, fingernailed but I can't find the fucking offending item. So I have this persistent ache in my gum.
Apart from that I'm great, well a bit of turmoil in the noggin but when isn't there.
How are your bits handling the new year??
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
When Christchurch musician Jimmy Mason "flicked" his three-year-old son on the ear he thought he was giving him a lesson about road safety. Don't ride your bike near the road when you're told not to. What he was actually getting was a firsthand look at the Government's anti-smacking legislation in operation, The Dominion Post writes.
A nearby teacher took umbrage at his actions, an off-duty policewoman rang the office and, minutes later, Mr Mason found himself surrounded by six police officers.
"They were going to arrest me and were trying to ascertain whether it was safe for the kids to go home with me," he said. "It was pretty bizarre."
But nothing that Mr Mason did appears to warrant the attention of six police officers, at least five more than the ordinary citizen can expect to show an interest when reporting a theft, burglary or assault.
This man's two boys disobeyed them in a busy part of Christchurch resulting in an accident involving their bikes. This could have easily resulted in death by one of his children being hit by a car. He flicks one son across the ear as he is attempting to head back off and do the same thing again while he consoles hurt child. Next minute he is surrounded by police.
For fuck's sake.
My sister was the victim of burglary on New Years Day. Some arrogant wankers broke into their house, stole a shit load of personal items, made a mess and violated their privacy. It took 2 days for one policeman to show up!!
In Auckland a couple of years ago a young woman phoned police for help as she was getting unwanted attention from a male at a party and didn't know what to do, they sent a taxi - and to the wrong side of Auckland. The woman was never seen again.
For fuck's sake.
What is happening in a country when lolly scrambles are outlawed but you can beat your child to death with a boat oar over a three day period and get 8 years with parole in 4??
Bullrush is too dangerous.
I think climbing trees is illegal now too.
For fuck's sake.
Bring on June, I can't wait to escape this nanny state.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Dropped Peta at horse camp on Friday night.
Picked Jen up from airport Sat morning, went for soy latte and snack at cafe, headed to the shops where I had a lesson in buying clothes that fitted not hid me, detailed at GF Geisha.
Had some sushi for lunch, chilled at home getting prepared for hen's night at Coyotes bar at 6.30pm.
Had dinner out and plenty of drinks. Sadly the hen's night was rather tame and over by 9pm!! Jen and I went in search of something to do, couldn't find anything happening and after three clubs and a number of different drinks decided to jump on the Loser Cruiser (bus) home to Rangiora. All this time I was self torturing by wearing my wedding shoes as the were the only heels, or shoes for that matter that I own. I ended up taking said shoes off and walking in bare feet and my feet are still aching today.
Yesterday had late brunch, then headed to Brew Moon, a cafe in North Canterbury and had an antipasto platter and a beautiful glass of Fiddlers Green Sav!! Stopped and bought a bottle of Mount Brown Pinot Noir (a friend of mine's vineyard makes it) and then headed to pick Peta up.
Finally got home, then headed out to get Indian for tea (gluten free) and another bottle of Pinot, The Office first series and Billy Connolly Live at the Hammersmith and then we proceeded to drink good wine and laugh our arses off all night!
So a lot of wine, a lot of food and a lot of money spent.
Great weekend and tomorrow is a new day full of challenges.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Mum and Dad were in Aussie with the rest of the family on holiday but I was away studying Veterinary Nursing in Dunedin so wasn't able to go, due to timing issues.
It was 1995. May I think.
I had just got home and had a 21st to go to.
All our friends were going and I knew the guy through Blair. (We were currently just friends and not together, that would take another couple of years).
I headed off to the 21st at a local cricket club with all the crew. The night started well, everyone dancing, funny speeches, the usual.
Last thing I remember I was dancing on the dance floor. Absolute last memory.
From other's recollections it was at this time that one of our mates, a big bloke, was dancing away next to me when he swung around in a crazy attempt at rocking and smacked a wine bottle into my head. I apparently went mad drunk pretty immediate and when everyone else left for town I wouldn't go because I was fucked up. I headed off to a back room and passed out in back room on a mattress. I also have no recollection of this.
I woke up with a sore head from the bump.
I was shivering, had no idea where I was. I realised I was naked just as the father of the guy who's 21st it was walked in on me. I was hugely embarrased. I have been known to strip naked at home and crash out when I am drunk so I presumed this is what happened.
I quickly dressed and came out into the main hall where C (21st guy) and H were, another guy from the 21st who I vaguely knew. I started to help tidy up and then commented on the bump on my head and how I had no idea what had happened that night. H laughed to himself and then spoke up "it may have been the best night of your life". C joined the laughing. There was no elaboration and I continued to tidy.
I decided to head home shortly afterwards and C and H asked if they could have a ride and could they hang at my house for a bit. My olds were away, as previously mentioned, and I thought why not.
They came to my place, along with another guy who turned up at the hall just before we left. We watched tv, ate, and they chatted, C and H that is, J, the other guy just sat there watching me. Heaps. I wondered why, it wasn't in a leering way at all, more watching me for reaction. He then suggested that he and the others leave.
Through the following week I had horrible feelings, kept hearing "it may have been the best night of your life" in my head. I quizzed some of my girlfriends, they had no idea what had happened to me, just said I was not into town and that I was really bizarre after getting hit in the head with the wine bottle.
It was the following Friday night when Nic and Kim knocked on my door. They were my best mates at the time, I flatted in Dunedin with Nic and Kim is still my best friend to this day.
They came in looking sick with worry.
"What's happened?" I queried with trepidation, I had three friends die by gunshot in the previous 3 and a half years, I saw that similar look of despair in my girl's eyes.
It was then that my world crashed down.
"Jules, we've found out through some of the guys what actually happened to you on Saturday at the 21st. After everybody left C and H found you out the back on a mattress and decided to have their way with you. Both of them. You were out to it. Don't worry sweets, the boys don't think anything less of you, they think C and H are creeps"
I felt violated but also confused, did I have a reason to feel this way? Did I cooperate at all, was I part of this? How can I have no memory? Why do the boys think so little of C and H, usually boys high five each other over this sort of thing?
I had a million questions but noone to ask. My eating problems started.
A couple of years later I was at another 21st that C ended up being at, he kept taunting me by coming and asking for a light, or deliberately taking the path that led past me to the loos. In the end I said to my flatmate and mate, let's go. As we left he shouted out "Fuck her, I have". Once again I felt that punch in the gut I had felt the night I was told.
C is currently in jail serving time for selling and providing "P". I don't know where H is, I don't care. I have less of an issue with H for some reason, maybe because I barely knew him but C was a good friend, or so I thought.
That was 13 years ago in May, yet this still fucks me up. I don't know how to deal with it as I don't know if I am justified in feeling anything. Many of my friends called it rape. I sometimes feel it is, other times I'm not sure. It wasn't consentual, how could it be when I was passed out? But .... oh who fucken knows!! all I do know is that from that day forth I gained weight and lots of it. Emotional fuck up for sure but on some insane level I think I provided myself with a fat suit so that I didn't gain that attention again.
Not that it ever stopped, I am a naturally sexual person.
I don't know, who does??
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Ever had one??
Come on, be honest, it's Mother Jules here, you can tell me??
I have had two that were consentual and one that I was raped.
The first one was when I was 18 years old. I had just been run over about 5 weeks previous - as you do. I got wildly drunk at a party, and ended up being done from behind while taking a gobful. I was wildly drunk but I mildly remember enjoying it. I wore a heap of shit from my group of friends for this one though, as it quickly became common knowledge.
The second was when I was 21 with a friend and a bloke we knew. We were all just having drinks at her place and ended up all wildly drunk and talking shit and singing and dancing and next minute she was licking my nipple. I freaked a bit but was more freaked about looking "uptight" so went with the flow. It was enjoyable, she pleasured me, he pleasured me, all in all I just got pleasured all round. We aren't friends anymore, it was way too uncomfortable.
The third, but second chronologically, happened when I was 20. I can't go into that one tonight. It doesn't gel with the others. It still fucks me up and to this day I hold onto the anger.
I'll let it out soon. Be afraid.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Blair leaves on 8th June.
We follow two weeks later on the 23rd.
All tickets are booked and paid for.
We already have a dining suite, a lounge suite and an entertainment unit waiting for us.
It's all a bit real now.
In five months we will be living in Australia.
I am so fired up.
This morning I did yoga for the first time.
I have always been inspired by my darling friend Mary, she has lost a shit load of weight and changed her whole outlook on life and is now a yoga genius and is studying to become a nutritionist. I hearts her!!
I was going to start doing yoga at the local dance studio, where Peta goes, but the woman has decided to cut all her classes (including her dance ones - poor Peta!) and I have had to resort to a basic video.
Did my first blast this morning. Loved it but found the old flabby bits stopped some of the poses working to their true potential. But, never fear, in a couple of months I'll be able to reach further as those bits will be gone.
Remember me saying that Dad broke his rib??
Him and Mum build houses and sell them, that is their income source.
Dad was a top consultant enginneer for TransPower (the power grid company in NZ) but got sick of the politics and bullshit and threw it in to build. What him and Mum do is buy a section, either do up the house on it, subdivide and build another on the back or, what they are doing now, build an upscale house on 10acres. Ramble ramble.
With broken rib Dad couldn't work so he had Blair working for him during his holidays and after one day has offered Blair work until we leave, and it is all based opposite them, 12 min drive from here, and at our section that we can no longer build on, which is two blocks from here!! All for a $6 an hour payrise. We couldn't be in a better position to head to Aussie.
Life is great.
Just have to get the A OK on the vadge and life will be real great.
Find out Thursday.
Friday, January 11, 2008
got felt up by wierd chick,
got breasts squashed and squeezed until they looked like big platters,
right (suspect) breast discharged (gross!!) and was fucken agonising,
waited in waiting room where I read the Pink magazine including three stories about women who had their cancer missed by mammogram and ultrasound and only through persistence did they get diagnosed (reassuring much??),
had ultrasound and told all was clear and if I had any further concerns would get referred to breast specialist,
and that was that.
So went for celebratory iced chocolate and gluten free orange and almond friand at Under the Red Verandah with best buddy Kim.
Was divine, sat out in garden and had a lovely spot under a tree in the sun.
Life is good.
Booked and paid for our tickets to Aussie, leave 23rd June!!
Time to knuckle down.
On another note, need an outfit to wear to brother in laws wedding on Feb 2nd. What the fuck can I wear??
I'll post photos at Gluten Free Geisha tonight and then I need advice on what will suit me.
Come on fashion divas, get your brains into "help Jules look sexy" mode.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Not a bit.
Well maybe a smidgen.
Maybe a wee bit nervous.
Quietly confident but smearing me knickers with poobutter at the same time.
I'll be right, I'm moving to Aussie in 5.5 months.
Hands up who wants to meet me tits or no tits?
Come on you Aussie citizens, let me know how excited ya are!!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Well this is my version.
Phoenix Organic Cola made with natural cola nut, organic cane sugar, lemon juice and carbonated water. It tastes divine and was on special at Woolies for $6 a four pack this week!!
NZ's soul diva, a pocket sized full of attitude and personal power, she has the best voice I've heard in an age. Shes sexy and tattooed up:
Healtheries Chamomile and Honey Herbal Tea
Tastes divine and completely chills this bitch out:
Neighbours with Pidgeons
What the fuck is up with your fucken fat dirty birds and their insistence on coming and shitting on my house, washing and everywhere else on my property? I have no guilt in sending my dog out to run after them. I will yell "get those fucken birds" and will feel no shame in doing so, especially as you have no shame in burning your rubbish in a drum at my back fence every bloody day. Next week you are likely to get a flipping hose pointed your way.
Having a Disability and Milking It
Okay, may cop some flack for this one, but I was at the docs yesterday and a chick in a wheelchair who had cerebral palsy, (now I am no doctor but had a friend with it when I was younger and my experience with her and Steady Eddy led me to believe that this is what it was)was just leaving at the same time as me. She got a hand out the door, said she couldn't pay her bill, well mumbled it but you could understand what she was saying, and then proceeded to leave. As I drove past I saw her using her feet to pull herself along the footpath in her chair and I felt really sorry for her, thinking she may have no use of her hands and their the bitch was texting on her mobile phone!! No money to pay the doc but plenty to be texting aye??? Aye?? Okay that was a bit harsh but still?
Trade Me Losers
We have trade me in NZ, you elsewhere may have eBay, they are all the same. On Trade Me I currently have a tent that has been barely used for sale. It didn't sell on first listing but had over 50 "watchers" who I offered the tent to for a grand at the close of auction. A couple denied and the other 45 or so just didn't bother! So I relisted with a wee comment at the bottom about not offering to watchers this time, your choice to bid or not, blah diddy blah and this fuckwit left a comment saying that people can watch if they want and it doesn't mean they have to bid and I am probably overpriced anyway and he was going to become a watcher just out of curiousity, in other words to fuck me off. And it fucken did. I replied with a lot of restraint and if you want to hear what I said then you'll have to go to the auction here and look at comments at bottom.
As a side note, have posted shit about my fat arse and my attempts at making it less fat over at Gluten Free Geisha.