Life Change

As you may have noticed, life has been a bit on the downward spiral.

Grab a cuppa and a snack, this is going to be a long one:

Long time followers will know that I suffer from depression. No, I don't get the blues, get "depressed", have a bad week etc. I suffer from a chemical imbalance in my brain where the serotonin doesn't get around it like is should. This makes me "suffer".

By suffer, I mean not cope, not sleep, not want to exist. I have known about my depression for 7 years since I was assessed by the psych emergency team and diagnosed as having clinical depression and social anxiety back in 2002 when I grabbed a knife and threatened to kill myself. Blair phoned the police because the poor guy didn't know what to do.

Upon further treatment, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and a full history with the clinical psychiatrist, it was determined that my depression has pretty much been something that has been with me since my teens. My paternal grandmother was hospitalised when my father was a child with depression. My maternal grandfather was a manic depressive. My mother has depression, not very well managed mind you. My brother has depression. It's in the blood.

As I swing towards the natural side of things I tend to look for natural alternatives first for any ailment I may have. This is one area in life where natural doesn't work for me. I struggle with having to be on medication but I also know that the desire to end my life becomes overwhelming when I am not.

When I was just about to turn 18, I had a miscarriage to an old boyfriend who I thought I was in love with. I didn't know I was pregnant but it was very hard on me mentally. We had split up the week before and it was so much emotional crap for me that it sent me into a spin. One night after a couple of games of touch rugby, a few too many beers and a party at my first ever flat, I walked out into the road and threw myself in front of an oncoming car. Unfortunately for me the car was doing 70km/h instead of the 50km/h it should have been doing. Fortunately for me the car was an old VW beetle, motor in back and low bumper, I got hit on the calves by the bumper, knees bended back, my back went up into the bonnet and my head went through the windscreen. I have a permanent reminder of that night in the big scar on my right shoulder where the windshield wiper indented me as I hurtled up the car. Unfortunately for me the driver was my old English head of department from High School, news spread fast.

I had a wee bit of forced counselling etc at this time but I never admitted, till many years later, that I actually threw myself in front of the car. I insisted I had been crossing the road to walk to the shop for ciggies.

Onward 9 years and I faced the loss of my dear aunt. My rock. My mentor, a lady I idolised and adored since a toddler. She taught me to ride, she was an angel walking, she loved me and I loved her, unconditionally. She was an owner trainer of thoroughbred racehorses and was the one who had encouraged me to specialise in Equine when I was doing my Veterinary Degree. Even when I fell pregnant after a one night stand, she didn't judge me, even though she was a devout Catholic. She supported me, she loved me. She had a fall off one of her horses at the beach and had a nagging back injury for a couple of months afterwards, finally got it sorted and found out that she had bone cancer. She died a painful death. She gave up on life and she let it take her very quickly. I was distraught at her passing.

That was 7 years ago.

Recently I was contacted by an old school friend on Facebook. She is now in her final year of her Veterinary Degree majoring in Equine. She lives on a 1,500 acre sheep and beef farm. She's living what was going to be my life. I wasn't jealous. I have no regrets, I am a firm believer that you every road you travel is in your own "itinerary". You live the life you are meant to, sure you have crossroads along the way that can affect the direction your travel takes you, but you make that choice so that is your destiny. That hasn't stopped this contact affecting me. Deeply. It has made me question what I can be in life. It has made me reevaluate my direction.

Two weeks ago I had a breakdown of sorts. Some of it was externally influenced but, mostly, it has been because the medication I have been on for the past two years has not been sufficient to get my serotonin levels to where they need to be. I am on 20mg of Citalopram a day and have now had that doubled to 40mg. I get reassessed in 2 weeks. I ignored the signs that this was happening, again. ** please, if you see the signs of depression in anyone or yourself, seek help before it takes over, please **

So I have hit rock bottom for the fourth time in my life and it has made me choose the road that I have longed to travel but never felt justified in taking.

I have given up my Naturopathy.

I start riding lessons on Saturday.

I have a riding assessment on Nov 16th.....

for admission to the National Certificate in Stable Practise.

My course starts in March. I am going to do three strands in Sport Horse, Thoroughbred Racing and Track Riding.

My youngest are starting preschool in two weeks for three days a week.

When I finish this course in December next year I plan to study (extramurally) the Bachelor of AgriScience majoring in Equine through Massey University, while working part time at a local stud or racing stables, giving me the knowledge to be the stud manager when I complete my study. I WILL own and train my own racehorse by 40 and I will own a stud/breeding farm.

I am on the first couple of kms of the road I long to travel. Destination unknown but I sure am going to enjoy the journey.