On the Fence

It's a very hard place to be - sitting on the fence. As a friend pointed out, it's uncomfortable and all you end up with is chaffed thighs.

I am actually sitting on a junction of fences, you know, where four paddocks' fences meet? I'm straddling the part that is in the corner of each paddock. I could fall four different ways. Each paddock has it's own merits. There is something attractive in each one. If I fall into one, will I want to stay there? Will I find the grass greener in the other paddocks? Will I end up back straddling the junction? Will someone surround that paddock with electric fencing and will I be stuck there? Will the grazing in one paddock suit me but maybe not suit my family so much? Would they be better off if I was in the other paddock with the red clover? Am I aiming for a paddock that's pasture is really too rich for my calibre?

OMG the analogies!!!!

Paddock One has me going to work, either part or full time. Sian is 4 soon. Thinking about doing some office work and maybe part time studying over the next couple of years in officey type stuff. Is there enough opportunity in my district, would I have to travel to Chch? Could be more financially viable option.

Paddock Two has me going back to Uni. Studying for a professional qualification and having a career. My leaning is towards Psychology. And not just the basic degree but going the whole clinical route, and maybe even Educational Psych or Forensic. I am so interested in it. Would have to travel the 40 mins to classes at Uni in Chch.

Paddock Three has me going for my original love - equine, following on from this year's withdrawal, doing the Equine course and then finding a job here in the immediate area. Study is close, easy and full of fitness. Jobs pretty easy to come by and my love for it would never see me bored.

Paddock Four is the chill paddock. I forget it all for the next couple of years. Be an at home Mum and maybe study some interest papers, nothing full on, just potter. Get back into my art, sew some shit, and concentrate on home baking and being a good Mum. But, can I be a good Mum if I am not stimulated in some way, shape or form??

Maybe I am just not worth grazing, maybe I should be euthanized and sent to the meat works. LOL.

Any ideas?

Twice in a Month

Drastic I know.

Meds have kicked in, I feel real again.

Do you know what I really struggle with?

I struggle with letting people around me trivialising my depression. I let them say things like "be positive", "pick yourself up", "pull yourself up by your bootstraps", "onwards and upwards" and other stupid shite.

So many people know about depression but so few of you really know what it is.

So, in your words, what is depression? I don't want to run anyone down, I just want to get a feel for what people's perceptions of my illness are.

Holy Shit ...

it's August and it's still a rough month.

It's been a bad year so far.

I am in throes of a major depressive attack.

On new meds.

Suicidal.

Getting there.

Need to make a decision, find a track to plod and just do it.

**sigh**