Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Inadequacy

Hi there darlings

I am well, recovering and pretty much drug free. My darling Mum and Dad are doing much to look after me and make sure I don't even lift a toothpick for fear that they may have to look after the kids again if it all came undone!!

So ...

back into life:

I was at the supermarket last night with Blair, walking at snail's pace around trying to find something yummy for dinner. As we were walking around I noticed a guy kept walking past us and checking out Blair. When we got to the checkout he came up and did the big "haven't seen you for ages" face and they laughed and yarned and ignored myself and the guy's wife. Being respectable human beings us two "chics" introduced ourselves. She was lovely in personality and appearance, nice curvy, dark curly hair and just naturally beautiful.

After about quarter of an hour of bum slapping reunion type behaviour we (ignored women) figured out that the boys had gone to school together.

The whole time I was standing next to this guy's wife I was overtly aware of my own disgusting appearance. I have two big spots on my cheek due to overindulgence of chocolate at the weekend and not enough water! My hair was limp and tied back in a pony tail. I had on my 3/4 pants so my lymphatic ankles that have never recovered since the Phoebe pregnancy were on full show. I am also fat as a mother fucker!! I haven't lost nor gained any weight in the last couple of months but next to Mrs Naturally Lovely and Charming I looked like a pile of worm infested dog shit.

The whole time I was talking to these people the thoughts were attacking my self esteem.

"What the fuck is poor Blair thinking, oh god, wish my missus didn't look like a Jenny Craig dropout."

"Oh my god, how fat is his wife, four kids or not, what is up with that?"

"Does he actually sleep with that obese maggot?"

These were the tamer of the self loathing thoughts that zipped around my concious mind.

When we got in the car I felt worse. As we watched TV I felt even worse, all night I thought about how fucken hideous I am and the worst feeling I had was "Poor Blair". I honestly have the self esteem of a fucken gnat. I think I am over these issues and then something like this happens and I realise how much I hate who I have become.

I repulse myself and I so wanted to twitch my nose and have the the body and hairstyle I so desperately desire. I am not in a good emotional place.

29 comments:

Kate said...

I really cannot stand to hear people say things like that about themselves.. I know how you feel though, I have felt that way many many times. Blair loves you, he just married you! I am almost certain he doesn't think that. You ARE lovely, whether you believe it or not.

There's a book you have to find from the library if you can, it's called Fat?So? - I started reading it last night while I was waiting for my support group to start, and it's fabulous. If nothing else for a laugh, it's really good. I think you'd like it.

Sending you a huge hug!

B said...

Oh babe, I know EXACTLY what you mean - EXACTLY. Big hugs honey, I hope you feel better about yourself soon - i'm sure it's not as bad as you think. Look at your wedding photos, it wasn't that long ago, and you looked devine - it should help, just look how your gorgeous man is looking into your eyes! No doubt he loves you with the very essence of his soul!
Bri

B said...

This is the photo I mean, where you say this "My darling groom waiting for me as I head towards him down the aisle/helipad/bull paddock. If this look doesn't tell you how much my man loves me then you are a hard one to please:"
'nuff said!!
Bri

LaLa said...

Jules my love, I think you are being way too hard onyourself. You have just recently been through a major operation... having said that I can totally empathasise with your feelings, sometimes we are our own worst enemies.

I think you need a new do to go with your new vadge!

xx

Chubbymum said...

STOP IT Now hun!!!

I agree with Lala... you have just gotten over a major operation... she might have a personality of a gnat he he he...

Also you hubby loves you and thinks you are the best... I mean you just walked down the eisle (spelling he he??)... don't be hard on yourself.

The photos I have seen of you...you are beautiful.

Love CM
http://cmlosingit.blogspot.com

Kitty said...

Jules I'm going to let you indulge in your feelings of self loathing cause you need to be able to speak your mind and be honest on your own blog.

I just wish that you could see yourself as others do. You are so much more than a clothing size or a scale weight baby. You are one of my favourite bloggers, you looked beautiful on your wedding day and your man look as proud as fuck to be marrying you.

When you are ready you will change the exterior to suit yourself. Only when you are ready and only for you. Nobody else needs you to be anything more or less than you already are.

xxxx

Rachel said...

Right girl, book yourself in for a haircut/colour and a nail or toe manicure (total pamper) don't worry about money or time or any other excuse to stop you doing it.

You will NOT feel like this once you have been pampered.

The only thing Blair thinks when he looks at you is how lucky he is that you are now his wife and the mother of his kids.

Sending big hugs and kisses!!!!!

Now get that bloody phone and RING and get an appointment - N O W

Whoever I want to be said...

OMG Jules read your entry and can so relate to what you say - I have just booked myself into counseling due to self esteem issues. Take care Jaxx

rand(om) bites said...

Oh Jules hon, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. We all do it to ourselves, especially when we are vunearable. You are one pretty gorgeous woman in my books!

Is beauty only defined by how much weight we carry? No friggin' way. Give yourself a break. Fat, thin, pretty, average...whatever, it's a matter of opinion. If you believe in yourself, then others will too.

Does it really matter what she thought? You don't even know her and might not even see her again.

I think you are one of the richest people I know. You have a whole lot of love in your life and so many good people around you. I love the warmth I see in your photos too. You're beautiful! Don't forget that on your dark days :-)

Linda said...

I think it's safe to say that alot of us have all felt like that at some stage of our lives. It is a hard mindspace to shake but hopefully once you're 100% recovered you'll be ready to fall in love with you again. And why shouldn't you, you're beautiful xx

AlleyCat said...

What Bri said; & what Kitty Said!!!
Recovering from an Operation will always make you look & feel like crap - be kind to yourself.

Chris H said...

Totally agree with all of the above, won't rehash it. If Blair wasn't totally in love with you he would not have just bloody married you eh? Sort out your shit... stop beating yourself up mentally.... it's in your hands to turn the body around (and the fucked up head will sort itself out as a result).

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Jules...baby. Oh, I wish you could see yourself like we see you. You're beautiful and wonderful. You have a husband and family that love you. You are a diamond babes.

You let this be your spring board...set your goals and you go for it. You do it for you babes.
Kiss for you honey. Ciao.

Steph's lifestyle change!!! said...

I know how you are feeling! you have many reasons not to be looking 100% so dont stress!!

Hope everything is going Ok :)

Wanna_B_slimmer said...

Bloody hell Jules...
We all have days like that... I used to have them when I was over 100k's...and I still friggin have them now even in the 60's... (high fkn 60's but 60's all the same.. mwahahahaha )Unfortunately we have to work out how to love ourselves... before our exterior will shine ... No matter how hot our bodies may be.. (or not ) if your arent loving yourself it will show......

Wanna_B_slimmer said...

Umm did any of that make sense??? doh...
Just have a scotch and the world is beautiful... ;o) I loves ya babe...

Wanna_B_slimmer said...

If we lived a little closer I would most certainly share my wardrobe with you... and... I would certainly introduce you to the world of scotch..... Ahhhh bliss.....

Melissa said...

woo hoo go the new vadge!! yay You know what that chick was probably standing next to you thinking lucky bitch, got 4 gorgeous kids, lovely partner, house, just got married, .... unfortunately we are never happy and the grass aint always greener. hmm the george forman..... well i only use it for vegies, but I cant see what you couldnt do it at once but I would think you would do the chicken in the bottom basket??!! Take care gorgeous BTW we are headin to GOON in May xxx

Milf Gone Wild said...

Sorry you are so down on yourself today. I have checked out your blog a few times and you seem like a really, really great gal. The more we hate ourselves the more we eat. Love yourself with the extra pounds and they'll be easier to lose. Sorry to sound so Oprah!

Miss Beck said...

It's all been said. All I can say is that I hope you are in a different place today.

Sorry to say this but she was probably too concerned about herself and how she felt to be looking you up and down. Most women ARE too concerned about themselves to think about the others in that situation. Prime example, sit back at any pub and watch the women.

I lost my husband for a variety of reasons. Mostly because I allowed my self esteem to fall in the toilet so much that what I thought about, I brought about.

"He deserves so much better/prettier/healthier/skinnier than me" thoughts consumed my head all the time. I look back now and know he loved me unconditionally. It was me who didn't love me.

What I'm trying to say is I get you. I've been there. I know how self destructive those thoughts can be.

Baby steps. See if some little things can help perhaps? Shower in the morning, do you hair even if you arent going anywhere, put music on and dance around the house with the bubs.

Can any of your essential oils help brighten your mood slightly also?

I'm clutching at straws, but I hope something makes you smile honey.

Anne said...

I can't add much to this that hasn't been said!! Once again the photo of Blair's face when he saw you on your wedding day. Says it all!

I also liked Rachel's suggestion re the pampering - go for it!!

Lyn said...

I can so understand your post today! I went through very similar mindset when I put on over 50kgs in 18mths after being in a magazine!! for goodness sake!!! People who hadn't seen me in quite a few months had complete look of horror on their faces when they saw me again.

Tony's Bitch said...

I've been there so many times - I hope you feel better soon.

m said...

Hugs to you Jules.

Sounds like me in the summer.

Maybe you have S.A.D. also.

I hope things get better.

Hugs again

Em said...

Evryone has said it all, so I can only add that you are beautiful inside and out and you have a lovely family and Hubby. We all have self loathing and it can make or break you, hope you are feeling a lot better today:)

Emx

Sarah said...

Oh hun - dont be so hard on yourself, we all have days where we are more slobby than normal (and you are still recovering from surgery) as the otehrs have said Blair does love you - how could he not (we all do too!)

But I am pleased to know my husband isnt the only slacker about introductions! he NEVER introduces me!

Tania said...

Jules, I think we all have days like that and while we're much harder on ourselves than we are on others, it's really what we do next that counts!

You can turn all this around - keep those feelings of that trip to the supermarket in your mind as the inspiration to drive you back to the successes you've had in the past.

We all know you can do it and the day will come when it's the other bird standing in the supermarket envying you!!!

Middle Child said...

He loves you. He chose to be your life partner and no doubt just being around you as you are is fine...He might even feel hurt if he realised becauseif he truelt is your life partner the quality of his love is more important that all the other shit.

But it was a bad day internally for you and hopefully the next day was better.

Jin said...

I agree with all the other folks who've commented in that you're being too hard on yourself. I reckon we all feel like that every now & again (I know I do) but it'll pass hon. You are well loved by Blair & the kids & you have a heap of online friends who think you're great, simply because you're honest with your feelings. Hang in there hon :-)
*big hug* all the way from the Sandbox!