Hi there darlings
I am well, recovering and pretty much drug free. My darling Mum and Dad are doing much to look after me and make sure I don't even lift a toothpick for fear that they may have to look after the kids again if it all came undone!!
back into life:
I was at the supermarket last night with Blair, walking at snail's pace around trying to find something yummy for dinner. As we were walking around I noticed a guy kept walking past us and checking out Blair. When we got to the checkout he came up and did the big "haven't seen you for ages" face and they laughed and yarned and ignored myself and the guy's wife. Being respectable human beings us two "chics" introduced ourselves. She was lovely in personality and appearance, nice curvy, dark curly hair and just naturally beautiful.
After about quarter of an hour of bum slapping reunion type behaviour we (ignored women) figured out that the boys had gone to school together.
The whole time I was standing next to this guy's wife I was overtly aware of my own disgusting appearance. I have two big spots on my cheek due to overindulgence of chocolate at the weekend and not enough water! My hair was limp and tied back in a pony tail. I had on my 3/4 pants so my lymphatic ankles that have never recovered since the Phoebe pregnancy were on full show. I am also fat as a mother fucker!! I haven't lost nor gained any weight in the last couple of months but next to Mrs Naturally Lovely and Charming I looked like a pile of worm infested dog shit.
The whole time I was talking to these people the thoughts were attacking my self esteem.
"What the fuck is poor Blair thinking, oh god, wish my missus didn't look like a Jenny Craig dropout."
"Oh my god, how fat is his wife, four kids or not, what is up with that?"
"Does he actually sleep with that obese maggot?"
These were the tamer of the self loathing thoughts that zipped around my concious mind.
When we got in the car I felt worse. As we watched TV I felt even worse, all night I thought about how fucken hideous I am and the worst feeling I had was "Poor Blair". I honestly have the self esteem of a fucken gnat. I think I am over these issues and then something like this happens and I realise how much I hate who I have become.
I repulse myself and I so wanted to twitch my nose and have the the body and hairstyle I so desperately desire. I am not in a good emotional place.