Monday, December 17, 2007

Leave Me The Fuck Alone

There is a list of things/people/bugs that I would like to leave me the fuck alone:

1. Spiders (specifically whitetails) - right, you guys can just fuckoffski into the distance. I do not want you in my house giving me the shits and making me have to kill you and then feel bad for the whole buddhist karma thing. Just fuck off.

2. Wenches who work for the courts - yes you can fuck off too. I have paid Blair's speeding ticket thank you very bloody much and I paid it in cash at the bank the day before it was due so you can fuck off.

3. Sandflies - I do not like being bitten. I have swollen enough lower cankles as it is without you wankers adding to the agony. Please fuck off.

4. BBQ Organisers - I have had enough of sorting out my family to go to BBQ's in the windy heat. I never get to be the drinker, I always have to drive the whole kitten caboodle home and I am over it. And if you are going to make potato salad make if properly. Fuck off.

5. Vodafone Secret Santa Gift Marketing Geniuses - A sheet of magnets with kiwi phrases on them like "l&p" and "fish & chips" etc is not a fucken gift. It is rubbish. Buy a new phone and get some free crap magnets - get a life and fuck off.

6. Robotic Answering Things - when I phone a company I do not expect to have to actually speak to a robot who tells me at the outset that it can understand me and then makes me speak loudly and clearly into the phone like a wankstain and then, lo and behold, doesn't understand me. F off.

7. Husbands - when I have recently had vaginal surgery and you decide on a Sunday morning that you will wake me with a toe rubbing my pubes and the line "when can we use that again?" - well you should expect to be told to fuck off.

21 comments:

Betty said...

I'm sorry but number 7 just cracked me up. I hope you broke his toe!

Oh jules, tis the season to be rageful and angry.

Loved your list :))

Lynda said...

OMG - you are one funny, out of control woman Jules!! LOL

I love the phone one, that drives me insane.

Tell me, how do you make a proper Potato salad?

AlleyCat said...

Number 7...............Priceless!

I hate dodgy spud salad myself, what's your secret recipe?? Please Please?

Chris H said...

1. we have the fuckers here too, hate em.
2. not had to deal with them.
3. totally agree, hate em.
4. Who said BBQ's were quick and easy, fuckers!
5. ? Can't relate.
6. Been there, doing that!!! I now have an 0800 number AND case number, no more fucken robots for me.
7. Hope you broke his fucken toe! YIK YIK YIK to toes on the pubes mate!!!!!

LaLa said...

Fuck.

I hate, hate, hate those voice recognition things. They make me IRATE.

"Video Wizard, Newtown"

"I am sorry, did you ask for The Green Lizard in Brisbane?"

Like fuck I did.

I am with you all the way Jules...

B said...

I'm laughing so hard I think I might have wet myself!! hahahahaha :0)

m said...

I hate people who can't make potato salad too! Damn that pisses me off? Ever had it when they cooked the potato's for like a minute? WTH?

Made hubby watch Lord of the Rings last night. Told him to get transferred to NZ. Too bad you people have such a tough immigration policy. I think he would be up for it.

Those men in that movie are so HOT. I could watch them all day. (with the exception of the Hobbits...they creep me out with those feet. PUt some shoes on for godsake!)

Jules said...

FYI - Potato Salad is not nice if it is made with hard potatoes and a jar of Potato Salad Dressing. Use your imagination mofo's. Cook the potatoes properly, add some cream to your dressing of choice, preferably not Potato salad dressing, add some red onion, some hard boiled eggs, some streaky bacon, tomato and most definitely add some finely chopped mint to the dressing. That is all.

Anne said...

Funny lady - I think you should have a column in a mag!!

Re - the Robotic answering things - hate them with a passion! Now I just shout blah down the phone and then they tell me they can't udnerstand me and will put me through to a human who can - exactly what I wanted in the first place!!!

Em said...

lol you are such a great lady :) ...this has got me thinking about my potato salad and whether my family and friends really like it or are just being polite lol ......."when can we use that again" omg a def fuck off ......

M said...

# 7 - Why wait for surgery to say Fuck Off. It is a standard refrain at my house when I am trying to sleep LOL..

Have a great Christmas Jules, and don't let the white-tails or white-trash (post below) get you down.

M x

Miss Beck said...

Bwaaaahahaahahaha!

You poor sausage. Not having a good morning?

I'd give you a hug but you might tell me to fuck off. LOL

Mellisa said...

*giggles* ....... You're fucken funny!!

Middle Child said...

Feel no Karma about the WHITE TAILS...MY SISTER NURSES SOMEONE WHO HAD TO HAVE THEIR LEG AMPUTATED AFTER YEARS OF FIGHTING THE POISON it poured into her.

I am with you on just about everything, but that bloody toe thing... there is a solution to the white tail spider karma thing...let him have a bight before you kill him/her...and I swear you'll bever be botheres by a toe again...

how romantic...thats a first JULES. is it a Kiwi thing?

hawkeye23 said...

What sort of man uses a toe on the flange as a "how 'bout it" signal? Surely, given your recent vag expeditions, a tap on the shoulder would've been much more polite?

I'm with you. The whole world can just fuck right off at the moment.

Annika said...

Let me give you a recipe of a real potatoes’ salad. Real for me, who I am from Scandinavia.

1. Boiled potatoes, minced to cubes 0,6 x 0,6 x 0,6 cms
2. Boiled carrots, minced same way
3. Pickled cucumbers, minced same way
4. Ham or sausage, minced same way. Or any left-over cold meat
5. Boiled eggs, minced
6. Red or white onions, finely minced
7. Canned peas
8. An apple, minced like potatoes
9. Dressing with sour cream and mayo, a little bit salt and pepper. There should be enough dressing to reach every last bit of the salad components.

It is worth to try at least once :)

Ms Smack said...

amen sister, amen.

Tania said...

LMAO @ this post! Don't suppose Blair will be trying that one on again in a hurry.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Jules...Fuck secret santa...that one bites. I always get screwed. It's nthe only time I bitch about getting screwed.

Numba 7...oh yeah priceless. Funny. I about pee'd in my panties.

Jin said...

No6 - over here, I have to wait several minutes for some automated voice to rabbit on about everything in Arabic. Then the whole process is repeated in English. It pisses on my battery big time. Then when I do get a human voice, the fucker can't understand me. Fuck 'em all!

Wanna_B_slimmer said...

Oh my...we are in a good mood arent we... havent you broken in the new vag yet...come on Jules.. whats holdin ya back girl.. mwahahahaha
;o) Loves ya babe,,, did ya get me fkn kissmass card yet???