I Miss You

I miss blogging regularly.

I have realised that this is a very important outlet for me.

Many bloggers have been indicating they are giving up, not got time, it's no longer important. I respect that.

But for me, this is my diary.
These are my feelings.
You are my friends.

I am confronting some big issues with the counselling. They are big big things for me to approach. I am being pushed to confront. I am not good at letting down the guards.

I put on the front, the happy go lucky one.
The I'm Tough one.
The Who Cares one.
The one where I bag myself constantly in hope of getting in before anyone else.
I have become so good at making myself feel like crap that I am actually struggling one hundred thousand percent to actually find anything I like about myself. I am serious.
And you can say all the nice things about me that you can, it's still not going to make me believe any of them.

Here's the thing:

I'm not stupid.
I'm quite on to it in fact.
I can approach most things logically.
If you came to me with the same issues I would debate your worth to you until you believed it.
That is a given.

But, when it comes to actions for myself I just can't believe the words others say.

So I have to challenge my self loathing.

I need to reprogramme the way I hate my body and my actions.

I need to love myself.

A woman is beautiful if she believes in her own beauty and worth.

Those that do shine.

I have seen that transformation in some of you online over the years. The biggest being Shauna. Not only due to her phenomenal weight loss but the fact that she has learnt to love herself and challenge the doubters. Mary (who has recently dropped off the bloggy radar) is another great example of challenging herself and coming out the other side stronger.

And there are many of you out there that do the same.

Steph loves life and lives it and writes it in the way that she wants and stuff the rest of you.

Cazzie is a proud mother of four that is a powerhouse of great thoughts.

Kate is one of the best Mums I have ever met (not quite met!!)

Jo is challenging her ideas of what a job is and is really embracing her art and I love her dearly.

Middle Child has faced overwhelming diversity yet day after day continues to pass on her stories and wisdom.

and finally my darling Becks.

If anyone epitomises how positively believing that you deserve good in life can become a reality - it's her.

I look up to you all, there are so many of you I can't mention each and every one but these are a few of the standouts.

I am starting this process this week. It has been very hard.

Unimaginably so.

I will get there but I want to thank you all for helping along the way.

Success

My homework this week from the head guru is to write down what I am successful at.

I am struggling to come up with one thing.

I have been over and over it, I think of something and then I think, well really - you haven't really suceeded at that, if anything you have failed.

So here it goes:

I am successful and changing normal recipes into gluten free ones.

I am successful at getting a job.

I am successful at negotiation.

I am successful at maintaining some friendships.

And sadly, that is all I feel successful at.

What are you successful at?

When I Grow Up .... I'm Gonna Be A .....

what did you always want to be??

Some people knew what they wanted to be from an early age, set there minds to it, overcame obstacles and they are now working in their dream (or what they thought would be) job.

My sister is like this. From about the age of 3 years old she wanted to be a teacher. She failed School Cert a number of times (Year 10 in Aussie?) but she persisted, went to night classes and got into Teacher's College. She gained her Bachelor of Teaching in 2000, then got married and had two kids, started volunteering at the local school, then got relieving work there, then got some long term relieving and eventually applied for a permanent position on staff and got it. She is living out her childhood dream.

Some people thought they knew but changed their minds along the way, then finally settled on the one job that fitted them.

Others had no idea, then did something random like join the airforce as an accounts administrator and then ended up going from strength to strength and are now one of the only female helicopter pilots in the NZ Airforce, living the dream.

Others had no idea, left school, did an Arts degree, then just went on and found a job and are unhappy as hell doing it, but they are not sure what else there is for them.

Others went to Uni, did the degree they always wanted and are progressing through their career just as they had imagined and now are thinking of branching out, changing direction.

Others have no bloody clue.

I sort of fall into a number of these categories.

I always wanted to be a vet. Loved horses and all animals.

Then, in high school decided that, as I exceled at English, I would be a good journalist. So I went on the high school journalism exchange sort of thing in Wellington where I submitted some work for the Evening Post.

Then I moved to Christchurch, different high school, different friends, different approach. I decided I wanted to join the Airforce. That lasted for about ten minutes. I got a boyfriend and left school to work in administration and accounts. Bring in some money, etc blah blah.

After that all went to shit I decided that I would like to go back to the animals thing and did some volunteering at Orana Wildlife Park and headed to Dunedin to study Animal Science and Technology. In this time I spent a lot of early mornings with my Aunty, a race horse trainer.

Then I came back to Christchurch, did shit all and decided to go to Uni and do an Arts degree. Pulled out within months and went back to accounts and admin. Never any aspirations to work in that area - just what I knew, could do it well.

Headed off to Massey University to become a vet, finally doing what I really wanted to do - or so I thought. Within weeks I was pregnant and that ended that.

When Peta was about 2 months old I started studying Naturopathy part time. Being pregnant had made me appreciate what effect different things had on my body and I was into having a holistic approach.

So, the last 9 years have been spent striving for the goal of becoming a Naturopath, all the while working in accounts to get me through it.

But I love so many different things and I have no idea really what my dream is anymore.

That was until the other day, I started trying to convince Blair that he should do something like nursing. Then I thought - I have worked as a nurse aide and did it well. I have done so many anatomy and physiology papers, have my veterinary nursing, have a natural affinity with people, am a natural carer. Why the fudge packer did I not become a nurse when I was younger? I could be up there now, nurses are on way better money in Queensland than in NZ? Woulda shoulda coulda??

Then I had the epiphany moment.

I was driving along the road to work.

Every morning I pass the race track.

Every morning I am too busy to look.

This morning I wasn't.

The nostalgia, the desire, the emotion took over me.

A mighty thoroughbred, a frosty morning, the grandstand in the background, the warm air of the gorgeous animal's breath hitting the frosty morning air giving the appearance of a snorting dragon.

I could just about feel the pent up strength between my thighs.

I could feel the crisp air on my face making my cheeks red.

I could feel the ache in my forearms from keeping the powerhouse in check.

I could hear the sound of the hoofs dancing on the cold earth.

I started to cry.

No shit!!

I started to really cry.

I loved my aunty with a passion. She was there for me through thick and thin. Some of you will know what I mean, you have someone that is extremely close to you, not a parent but you had special outings, special times with them.
She died 6 years ago in September. I loved her to bits and her passing made me extremely sad. Bone Cancer, enough said.

She loved her horses, she was also a nurse - go figure!!

Is it right to follow your dreams or should you do what is "expected" of you. A comfortable job? A steady job?

We only have one chance at this.

What is your dream job? Are you living it or are you pushing it's head down under water?