Friday, July 25, 2008

I Miss You

I miss blogging regularly.

I have realised that this is a very important outlet for me.

Many bloggers have been indicating they are giving up, not got time, it's no longer important. I respect that.

But for me, this is my diary.
These are my feelings.
You are my friends.

I am confronting some big issues with the counselling. They are big big things for me to approach. I am being pushed to confront. I am not good at letting down the guards.

I put on the front, the happy go lucky one.
The I'm Tough one.
The Who Cares one.
The one where I bag myself constantly in hope of getting in before anyone else.
I have become so good at making myself feel like crap that I am actually struggling one hundred thousand percent to actually find anything I like about myself. I am serious.
And you can say all the nice things about me that you can, it's still not going to make me believe any of them.

Here's the thing:

I'm not stupid.
I'm quite on to it in fact.
I can approach most things logically.
If you came to me with the same issues I would debate your worth to you until you believed it.
That is a given.

But, when it comes to actions for myself I just can't believe the words others say.

So I have to challenge my self loathing.

I need to reprogramme the way I hate my body and my actions.

I need to love myself.

A woman is beautiful if she believes in her own beauty and worth.

Those that do shine.

I have seen that transformation in some of you online over the years. The biggest being Shauna. Not only due to her phenomenal weight loss but the fact that she has learnt to love herself and challenge the doubters. Mary (who has recently dropped off the bloggy radar) is another great example of challenging herself and coming out the other side stronger.

And there are many of you out there that do the same.

Steph loves life and lives it and writes it in the way that she wants and stuff the rest of you.

Cazzie is a proud mother of four that is a powerhouse of great thoughts.

Kate is one of the best Mums I have ever met (not quite met!!)

Jo is challenging her ideas of what a job is and is really embracing her art and I love her dearly.

Middle Child has faced overwhelming diversity yet day after day continues to pass on her stories and wisdom.

and finally my darling Becks.

If anyone epitomises how positively believing that you deserve good in life can become a reality - it's her.

I look up to you all, there are so many of you I can't mention each and every one but these are a few of the standouts.

I am starting this process this week. It has been very hard.

Unimaginably so.

I will get there but I want to thank you all for helping along the way.

10 comments:

AlleyCat said...

I miss you too. (((hugs)))

Lynda said...

What a great post!!! I agree 100% with all you said. I'm glad you are not leaving blogland, you really do add some colour here!

Tania said...

Sounds like you're facing some tough demons at the moment Jules!

I think we all see ourselves so differently to how others see us, and we're always so much harder on ourselves too.

But the journey of discovery and moving from a dark place to a lighter one starts with acknowledging the need to make the move and you're definitely on the right path.

I hope that the journey isn't too long for you - in the meantime we're always hear as a sounding board. Hang in there mate, things will get easier in time.

Middle Child said...

Ah! Jules...you is what you is and what you is, is divine and splendid...you are at least reflecting on your life and actions - not a whole lot of people do that.

I'm 54 with adult daughters and that wierd term a "widow" God I hate that word -but there it is - and if just some of the people I know had part of your insight into yourself then the world I inhabit would be much better.

Be kind to yourself okay. Be henerous to yourself and to those about you and step back from the rough and tumble - you are fine... doing a good job and making your own corner f the world much better for your having passed through it...what more could you want?

airlie said...

Yay! I fully read the title and thought you were quitting but, you're not....

Oh happy day!

Kate said...

Thanks for the compliment!!

Sounds like you are doing some major soul searching at the moment, and however scary and difficult it is, ultimately it will lead to more peace and good things. I'm so proud of you.

(and I'm very glad you aren't going anywhere!!)

Shauna said...

huuuuuuuuuuug hug huggity hug. glad you are sticking around :) writing can be such a great way to work through things and compliment all that soul searching. as everyone has said... be kind to yer lovely self :) xxox

Miss Beck said...

Jules, I miss you too. Thankyou for the compliment.

This postmade me realise two things. One, you robably don't know all that much about me before I started blogging. Iwasn't confident. I wasn't outgoing andI certainly didn't have an ounce of self worth. In fact,my self loathing was atrocious.

I've been where you are in that regards and I can say that you are absolutely on the right path to changing that self image.

Just remember - you have to do all the wanky - hippie - self love things. They are unavoidable. LOL
Also, it is a daily, hourly thing that needs to be continued at all costs. Never, ever give up on yourself.

Tully said...

Glad to see you are sticking around. I hope your blog helps you get where you need to be.

Everything you have said rings true for me as well, though I am not sure I am quite ready to deal with it. Good luck.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

jules. I miss you. Sweetie. I wish you posted more but I understand that sometimes a person has to back away...I feel that is near for me too.

Ciao babe...big hugs for you honey.