I miss blogging regularly.
I have realised that this is a very important outlet for me.
Many bloggers have been indicating they are giving up, not got time, it's no longer important. I respect that.
But for me, this is my diary.
These are my feelings.
You are my friends.
I am confronting some big issues with the counselling. They are big big things for me to approach. I am being pushed to confront. I am not good at letting down the guards.
I put on the front, the happy go lucky one.
The I'm Tough one.
The Who Cares one.
The one where I bag myself constantly in hope of getting in before anyone else.
I have become so good at making myself feel like crap that I am actually struggling one hundred thousand percent to actually find anything I like about myself. I am serious.
And you can say all the nice things about me that you can, it's still not going to make me believe any of them.
Here's the thing:
I'm not stupid.
I'm quite on to it in fact.
I can approach most things logically.
If you came to me with the same issues I would debate your worth to you until you believed it.
That is a given.
But, when it comes to actions for myself I just can't believe the words others say.
So I have to challenge my self loathing.
I need to reprogramme the way I hate my body and my actions.
I need to love myself.
A woman is beautiful if she believes in her own beauty and worth.
Those that do shine.
I have seen that transformation in some of you online over the years. The biggest being Shauna. Not only due to her phenomenal weight loss but the fact that she has learnt to love herself and challenge the doubters. Mary (who has recently dropped off the bloggy radar) is another great example of challenging herself and coming out the other side stronger.
And there are many of you out there that do the same.
Steph loves life and lives it and writes it in the way that she wants and stuff the rest of you.
Cazzie is a proud mother of four that is a powerhouse of great thoughts.
Kate is one of the best Mums I have ever met (not quite met!!)
Jo is challenging her ideas of what a job is and is really embracing her art and I love her dearly.
Middle Child has faced overwhelming diversity yet day after day continues to pass on her stories and wisdom.
and finally my darling Becks.
If anyone epitomises how positively believing that you deserve good in life can become a reality - it's her.
I look up to you all, there are so many of you I can't mention each and every one but these are a few of the standouts.
I am starting this process this week. It has been very hard.
I will get there but I want to thank you all for helping along the way.