New Hair, New Day, New Attitude

I have had a number of those "moments" in life that just make you evaluate where you are at with the world.

A very close friend has been told he has liver cancer. Keeping it all very much to himself and holding the details back. I don't know whether he is doing this to spare the people around him, as a coping mechanism or whether he just doesn't know himself. Hopefully should know more next week. This is a man who has played a pivotal role in my development as a human being. I met him and his life partner (they don't believe in marriage) when I was pregnant with Peta. Alone in a city where I knew noone, I had hooked up with the most unlikely of guys, and I met this couple through him. They strengthened my belief in my own power to be. They supported me unconditionally through thick and thin. Sort of like parents but better as they are never judgemental. They just encourage you to be who you want to be and fuck the rest of them. It's been a hard blow, I'm preparing for the worst but expecting the best.

My husband made a heartfelt and honest plea to me to lose weight. He adores me, I know this, I don't need to be told it, even though he does every day. He loves me to bits but I don't put that fire in his belly anymore. Emotionally yes, but physically I am falling below par. My initial reaction was to cry, standard. But almost immediately I realised he wasn't saying that it was beyond repair. He just needed me to know that the desire he has always had for me is waning and it's due to the weight but he also thinks it may be due to a bit of medical jargon too. I understand his headspace. I mean, if I despise who I have become, how is it possible for him to not pick up on it. I am the same weight I have been since about 7 years ago, I go up and down a bit but I never really move in the right direction for long. I think it was less of an issue for him in the first couple of years as I was still very confident in myself. Now, as the dieting torture continues, I belittle myself constantly, I excuse myself from life's fun times due to my weight, I have every reason in the book to not be able to stick to anything for long.
This no longer just affects my looks, my health or my life, it is now affecting the lust the love of my life has for me. This is now deadly serious.

So I am not reacting in a haphazard manner.

I am seeing this as a wake up call, not a bad thing. I mean, a relationship can only grow stronger from open pathways of communication, honest conversation and I think sometimes we all get a wee bit too comfortable, a wee bit too blase about the relationships we are in. Comfort and familiarity can sometimes lead us to a place we don't want to be.

I know I don't want to be there, especially not without the man I love.