Monday, September 14, 2009

For Spiky

Last, but not least, as a conclusion to the Voyeur subject, darling Spiky wanted to know my dreams ........ I take it she doesn't mean those smutty but gorgeous ones that I have where I'm ...............

So here goes Toni, my inner dreams, past and present:

When I was young I always knew I would have kids in my twenties, I was never clucky, never into babies, I just knew.

I was a whizz at school, I was popular but never the most popular. I always love horses, like LOVED horses.

In my early teens I dreamt of being a journalist, I was fucken great at writing, was top of my classes in English and was inquisitive by nature. I delved into it in my fifth form English class, entered an essay in a bid to become a youth journalist for the Wellington's evening post. I succeeded. I wrote a couple of stories but was disillusioned by it all, what I wrote wasn't what was printed, the general gist of it was there but not word for word, that fucked me off, to be honest.

I settled on Veterinary, that was what I would be, doctor to all animals, friend of the little creatures....

A bad boyfriend in my 17th year ended those hopes as I became obsessed with being part of a couple, obsessed with being his girl. I miscarried and he dumped me, all in the same week, actually he dumped me and then I miscarried, not aware I was pregnant. It was harsh for a 17 year old. Especially one who thought she was in love....

I left school, my dreams were non existent, life revolved around drinking, working and the eagerness to please and to be accepted, the social anxiety pushed under by the alcohol, the desperation for that feeling of being needed, random sex filled that gap for me. Things got really bad, I existed week upon week, socially I was a ball of laughs, could drink any of the boys under the table, could party till dawn and do it all again the next day. I lost my job, I was a drunken mess really. I moved back home and my parents rekindled that desire in me to make something of my life, that desire to learn. I applied to Veterinary School, I got accepted into the initial intake. As the previous post mentioned, I became pregnant unexpectedly.

I again threw away any dreams. It is timely that an old school friend has recently contacted me via Facebook and she is living my old dream. She is in her last year of studying to be an Equine Vet, she is also engaged to her man and they live on a 1,500 acre sheep and beef farm, really it couldn't get any closer to my old dream.

This has really rattled me to say the least. It's all fine and dandy to have had dreams, lost dreams, dreams that change, but when someone else who never had your dream on her cards, appears and shows you what could have been, well it makes you question the grander scheme of things a bit.

I could be all wanky and say that my dreams have all come true with the four beautiful children I have, my loving husband and my place in the world ..... but I'd be lying. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't give up what I have for the world, this is my life, I wouldn't give back a thing, but it doesn't mean that I don't have dreams, old and new.

I am studying to be a Naturopath, I believe in natural and holistic approaches to health play a great part in the success of our world's future. But it is not my "dream" to be a naturopath.

I do dream of living on my own patch of land, hopefully quite a big patch, I do dream of breeding horses, of learning every day about something new, of being passionate and loving and loved. I do dream of being motivated and I dream of being beautiful to myself. I dream of living free from the shackles of depression, I dream of unbridled lust being a large factor in my marriage. I dream of growing old, but not having it easy, earning my place on the porch watching my grandkids. I dream of travelling, of seeing the places I learn about, of experiencing the things I hear about, of feeling the joy of new sights. I dream of being healthy and I dream of being free. Free to be who I want to be without the shackles of constraint, without the worry of what others think.

But most of all, I dream for the dream to make itself clear to me, for my dreams to be clear in my minds eye, for my own mind to be able to settle enough for me to actually realise what my true dreams are.....

I dream of knowing the path to that realisation.


Tracy said...

It is not too late to make some or all of your dreams a reality. Start now!!

Find a way of displaying your dreams, a board or eve a notebook you can look at and think each day - what can you do to get yourself closer to one of your dreams.

Baby steps :-)

Ute said...

your dreams are not unlike my very own Jules... so very spooky...

I 'aint gonna give up on my dreams..not just yet. If you don't have dreams, then what have you got?

we'll get there. =)

Anne said...

Loved reading this Jules! I know our wake up call this year has made us sit and think to make some dreams come true!

My dream as a kid / teenager was to write in some way, I even had bigger dreams of writing a book.

One of my younger dreams was completed - to sail to the UK on the same ship my grandparents came to NZ for a holiday on years earlier. I was determined I was doing this. All achieved aged 19, a bit weird looking back as this is how I met my man!

mapstew said...

Dreams do come true.
But only YOU can make that happen.
And sometimes when we catch what we were chasing, we find that it wasn't what we wanted after all.


Lynda said...

I love your dreams yet to come... probably a lot how I feel but I am so lucky now that I dare not dream too much :)

underOvr (aka The U) said...

Hi Jules,

I discovered long ago that it is better to live my dream with the passion that burns within than to be chased by my dream and the regret of not living it.

Dreams are wonderful little Sister (the good ones that is). I'm not sure everyone gets to live out their dreams. I'm not saying a person can't, it's just that things get in the way and dreams can get derailed.

If you're going to find the place where your dream allows your passion to be released and fulfilled, your dream must become more than an internalized thought; you have to start living your dream Jules.

You mentioned your ability to write, WRITE YOUR PLAN TO FULFILL YOUR DREAM. That becomes the How to method of your dream. Then, YOU WORK YOUR PLAN. That addresses the question of, "When will my dream come true?"

Plan your dream, work your dream and live your dream Jules. I write this like it's a piece of cake; it's not. It takes a driving passion, an unquenchable fire that burns within, to realize one's dream.

I want to be able to read about how you made it happen Sister Jules.


Spiky Zora Jones said...

Jules...thank you my friend. Your post is filled with so much of you that I feel closer to knowing you.

Sweetheart, you are a wonderful person.

Sometimes when a person lives their dream they find it sn't what was meant for them. Sometimes there still remains that hole that they feel the need to fill. I see a very level head woman in you...a woman fill with so much. You have a big heart.

You have wonderful things ahead of you honey...just keep following your heart and keep reaching for the stars.

Thank you again for this wonderfful post.

You're amazing.

Ciao sweets.

EmmaK said...

I think you will be great as a naturopath and I feel like you are just at the beginning of your journey to fulfillment!

Steph said...

What an amazingly, beautiful post. I hope all your dreams come true Jules, they're not unreachable, it's not like you aiming to be the Queen of bloody England!


Jules said...

Tracy: I was thinking of doing something like that, a big canvas with images of all my dreams, and not only the dream but the work that it will take to get to the dream.

Ute: I have the same spooky feeling when I read your posts chick, there is something there, boots, utes and horses.

Anne: Wow, what a great thing to achieve by 19. I would love to go to the part of Africa that my grandfather fought in World War 2.

Map: I feel think that is why I want the realisation first, do I really want these dreams or am I just putting out dreams that I have no intention of achieving???

Lynda: We all have the right to dare to dream lovely lady.

U: You have a great idea there Mr U, I think I may just write out my plan, I mean, if you fail to plan, you do ultimately plan to fail.

Spiky: Glad I could open my mind up a bit for you darling friend, and I am very grateful that you challenged me to do it, helps to put your dreams into words.

Emmak: Thanks ** blushes **, I see myself as a great naturopath, just wonder if I might be a bit too outspoken for it, LOL.

Steph: Awwww, thanks for the compliment my long lost sibling, and I could be the Queen of Bloody England if I wanted, I'd just bonk that deviate Harry, I'm sure we'd have a blast and I'd get there somehow - if that was my thing.

Anonymous said...

hello Kiwi gal, greetings from a bok... lovely to see you at my store... appreciated the visit and attitude! :)

as for dreams, too scary to write here.. just joking! i dont remember them at all. normal?

Middle Child said...

Its so human to dream, but I know you appreciate what you have now...who knows where the dream will take you

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post. I can really relate to this! Keep dreaming, keep doing.

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