Wednesday, October 10, 2007

What CAN'T You Do With Porn Queen Nails?




As much as I'm loving the nails, love the look, love the comments, love the fact that my hand looks kinky when doing kinky things (you know what I mean, don't pretend you don't!!). I just love a lot about them.

But it is bloody annoying trying to function like a normal person with them.

Examples you scream.

Okay okay, keep ya skiddy undies on.


Nose

I can't pick it.

I can't scratch it (well not with any relief been felt).

I can't crack the head of any zits or blackheads that emerge.

Ears

I get the itch and I can't give the barstards the good beating they need. You know what I'm talking about, when you put the pointer finger into the opening of your ear canal and beat it up and down like you were jerking off Brad Pitt.

I just can't get no satisfaction.

Adjustments

Maybe I'm just unko but I cannot, for the life of me, adjust me knickers with these things on. Always feels like I'm gonna rip a finger off.

Cans

I can't open them.

I have to get a knife and stick it under the tab to open them. This fucken frustrates me.


Microwave

Every time I go to open the microwave I have to go all cack handed to fit the frickin nail on the button without pushing it in and separating my finger nail from my finger in the process.

I look special needs.

and the most embarassing?

Coins

Not limited to coins but this is probably the instance where I most feel like a cock.

Counting out me money on the conveyor belt at the supermarket. Go to pick coins up to pass to checkout chic. Not gonna happen. Proceed to look like absolute piece of dick cheese as I act like I have no motor skills and try desperately to explain myself.

Oh and"

Teeth

Can not get anything out from between my teeth, these barstards are just too thick to fit in those gaps.

21 comments:

Middle Child said...

Our daughter has the very same nails - will have to ask her how she does all these things... never thought about this...

Yummy Mummy said...

I always had nails like that until I got married... but I had a few issues with mine as well..

I worked in real estate adn I once opened a garage door and my nail got caught and nearly broke my finger.. oh..the pain...

and netball... couldn't play with em..

Heidi said...

I know what you mean, Jules :) And it's impossible to play bowling without losing at least couple of those nails!

heidianemoon@yahoo.com

Chris H said...

Well thanks for that, I was almost at the point of getting my first ever set of nails too. Maybe won't now. Bugger it.

Kitty said...

Beautiful is painful dear.

Nose
Don't pick your nose it foul.

Ears
Um...wot?

Adjustments
Your finger won't rip off.

Cans
Whats the big prob with using the knife?

Microwave
Yes I know, use your bent index finger knuckle bit - very easy

Coins
Um, put everything on your credit card for reward points love. the end.

Teeth
Toothpick FFS.

Kitty said...

My claws are like that of a whore and I proud.

PROOOOOUD to be rendered almost entirely useless. But fuck I look good!

Jo said...

and typing. its fucking impossible.

But I have to agree. They look so very hot and porn-like. I got them a few weeks ago when in Brisbane with AKG and Sue, and Im sure they will agree that I was flicking my hands around like a diva, loving the look.

Cool that you want a painting - purples and creams will look divine - some words that others have had for bedroom ones are 'Desire', 'Dream', 'Escape' (rather odd, but i guess it meant 'Lets escape this day' or something, not 'Fuuuck, I wanna escape from this bed')

I have a list of words that I can email ya if you want.

GO THE NAILS!
xo

Kate said...

Lol I am sooo not a fan of long nails, although yours do look great (and nice wedding rings!!). Lol, hilarious post, thank you!

p.s. did you like the red one with the writing in the middle of the print?

B said...

I've just got two words for you and you'll be ripping those suckers off:
TAMPON INSERTION
nuff said!! LOL

Tania said...

LMAO @ this post - now tell us what CAN you do with them :-) Or are they just there for their looks?

LaLa said...

I'm with B...

Tampons.

Nearly stabbed myself.

and I used to work in a music store, opening cds cases, v. hard.

They look hott though.

Jenniy said...

I can't do anything with fake nails either. Buttoning my pants is actually the hardest for me! I had fake nails for my wedding, and after I took them off I seem to have cured myself of biting my nails. Only took 25 years!

Name: Lynise said...

It must be something you have to ajust to. I've had them permanently on my hands for at least the last 8 years and don't think I would be without them.
I love having long nails, (not over the top long) and find I can do most things including type, piano, tampons no problem (as its the applicator that does the job not the finger.)
The only thing I tried to do but couldn't was learn the guitar but hey thats a small scarfice.
I'm with kitty, fingers do not belong up noses, (ick) and the microwave buttons are a very minor inconvenience.
Opening the can with a piece of cutlery is what I've done ever since my first nail tech told me to 'treat your nails as jewells, not tools' about 20 years ago. lol

Rachel said...

Got a couple of others:

1. Can't put your contacts in without ripping the suckers

2. Creams - face cream, hand cream, eye cream etc gets stuck under your nails rather than on your finger

Be girl they look HOT!

JustJo said...

I hear ya on the nail things!! Typing is such a bitch with them on! But they look WAAAAY sexy! hehe

Anonymous said...

Agree with the previous poster above. I had them for years before I went traveling (you try finding a nail artist in Nepal!). They do take a while to get use to but damn they look good.... Keep em' I say.

Sydney

Miss Beck said...

I was (still am) a Nail Technician.

I LOVE these nails and yes they do take some adjusting to. Some advice I used to give my clients were

- Do NOT use your nails like tools (opening cans etc). This goes for either, natural or fake.

- Bend your knuckles. Some women when they get nails walk around with fingers that no longer have knuckles. Yes, they look fucking spesh.

- Give them 2 weeks before you make any decision. (unless they are only special occassion nails, then go back and have THEM take them off....

Sometimes, it is simply shortening them a few millimetres and you may have the right length. (Yes, still doesnt help cleaning your teeth.)


PLEASE, don't rip them off at home and then complain about the damage they did to your nails. Get them professionally taken off. If she is a good tech (your nails look good so I imagine she is)... then she will give your nail beds a good manicure after they are removed. Then you can walk out with your nails looking good (perhaps a little tender from the pressure of taking them off).

Email me if you have any more queries.

Em said...

Haha, I agree with ALL the above but I love the look of long pornstar nails, mine are always twice that length and a HUGE pain in the ass, but I love 'em:)
(oh and hubby likes that look too*winks*) lol

Plus being a nail tech I can fix them easily:)

Emx

Wanna_B_slim said...

Umm never had them..always wanted them... but now I drive a forklift and work in sales and warehousing,,,fk nooooooooo not going to happen!!! I had my thumbs done one as I was trying to grow flaws out..but the pain was horrific.. felt like my thumbs were in a vice the whole time..hated the fkrs... Love how they look but..

Linda said...

haha - how did i miss this post? I love long nails and wouldn't have them any other way. Hubby has disgusting bitten nails so when a coin drops in my house it stays there until Josh decides to pick it up.

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