Thursday, October 25, 2007

And Your Prize .....

For having pushed out four kids in 8 years is.........

A new vagina.

Yes that's right, on the 14th of November you will go under the knife and when you wake up you will be fully panel beaten and leave hospital with a brand new vadge.

Granted - you won't be able to use it for a fucken long time, and when you do, you will probably have that virgin feeling as you break in your new love tunnel. Actually, you probably will be too scared to use your new vagina for about 10 years.

Post op you will be unable to do anything. We mean anything. The only thing you are allowed to lift is a cup of coffee. Oh and did we mention, you won't be able to drive for a couple of weeks either. Yes, you will need to hang out with your Mum quite a bit over the following weeks.

By the way, as an additional free extra we are going to tie your tubes so that you don't have any other little surprises that may dent your new shiny va-jay-jay.

So, relax, enjoy your next 2 weeks and 6 days of your old vagina, we suggest you run it into the ground, and we'll be seeing you on the 14th, ready to knock out the bumps and have you looking like you're straight off the lot.

37 comments:

Miss Beck said...

Most women get new tits but nooooooo, not you! You go for the whole camel toe restoration.

Lucky tart. Getting lipo on the meat curtains too?

LOL

Miss Beck said...

P.S. I suggest you get a babysitter for the next 2 weeks and a whole lot of lubricant, cause your old vadge will be smoking.

Jules said...

Miss Beck: We so should live in the same neighbourhood. I think together our class would outshine the whole of Victoria!!

Kitty said...

i am trying to leave a comment but blogger says 'denied'!

good luck presh. x

Rachel said...

Rrrrrrrrrrr to be a virgin again, what are the odds.......but YOU, lucky bitch!

I'd love to see you trying to relax after the op for several weeks with 4 kids....that would make a good tui ad (yeah right!)

Chris H said...

Ya lucky tart, I'm sure Blair will LOVE IT!!!! *snigger*... hope it all goes well mate.

Chris H said...

Oh yeah, I pushed out 6 kids in 10 years and I DID NOT GET A NEW FANNY.... dat's not fair!!!!

Jules said...

Kitty: Awwww, thanks darl!!

Rachel: We should send it into Tui!! Go halves in the royalties :)

Chris: Lucky - what's lucky about getting your bits sewn and lifted? I'm scared shitless!! Your fanny obviously was up to the job, mine on the other hand was meant for a less stressful career, couldn't handle the job.

Betty Boob Hug said...

hahahaha, I love that opening title and first sentence.

I hope your new vagina knows exactly how lucky she is! Mine unfortunately is still droopy and sad and complaining.

Do all you can to wear the old one out and into the ground before the op! have lots of fun!

kathrynoh said...

Happy new vagina!

Btw I misread the line about lifting the coffee cup at first and was thinking you meant it as some kind of bizarro pelvic floor exercise! I did misread it, didn't I?

Em said...

Ooh good luck with all that, scary but worth it I imagine:)

Emx

Jules said...

Betty Boob Hug: It sucks having a droopy, sad and complaining va-jay-jay. But, I'm sure there is gonna be some complaining from the new model in it's first few weeks of life. Ouchhhhhh!!

Kathrynoh: Yes, you did misread, although interesting, could run it past the vadge physio and see if she sees it working, if not - great party trick.

Em: Yes very scary and hopefully worth it, I'll be slutted if it's not!!

kathrynoh said...

Jules, you'd want to use one of those latte glasses I'd imagine, not a coffee cup... but then again...

Oh and well done for not titling this post "Like a Virgin" - I wouldn't have been able to resist :D

Name: Lynise said...

gosh that post makes me want to close my legs tight forever.
does it really get that bad after 4 kids.
If so, then adoption will be a serious option if I ever get the urge to have another.

Middle Child said...

Its called "Stitchie stitchie" in Hong Kong and they are years ahead of us in the tight vagina stakes.......bloody hell its a risk...you can bloody well DIE on the table... nothing wrong with a comfort one you know...every single anaesethic (can never spell this word)shortens life...thats what the vet tells us for the dog...must be the same for us bipeds.

Jules said...

Kathrynoh:

Lynise: It gets that bad after four kids if you are carrying extra weight and, according to my physio for that area, because I had three really fast labours, it is harder on the pelvic floor, effectively causing a bit of a tearing of the tissue so all the ligaments etc don't do their job any more. If you have longer labours the tissue slowly opens up not rip, shit and bust. That's the story she gave me anyway.

Middle Child: there are prolapse reasons for this op, not any vanity ones. I have emailed you sweets!!

Jules said...

Whoops:

Kathrynoh: I'm not too sure about glass, what if it shatters??? LMAO!!

Linda said...

Quieter fanny farts?? I'm wondering if the unveiling is going to be like a new nose with the doc and the mirror and all? Enjoy x

Middle Child said...

Sooo sorry Jules...one should not ever assume...all the best with the op... my mum had these problemes but no chouces then... : )

Jules said...

Linda: LMAO!! Don't get me started on how bad those things are with a saggy vadge!!

Middle Child: I definitely didn't take offense darling. I know your stance on these things and I definitely know what angle you are coming from.

LaLa said...

Hahahaha.

Oh love, you really made me laugh!

Does one say congratulations to these sort of things? I think we should throw you a vadge party. Get your vadge some new toys?

Jin said...

I knew a woman years ago, who after 3 kids, had a vagina lift. It was a 'gift' for her husband. She said it was the most painful thing she'd ever experienced (in those days it was done from the chutney pipe). Don't want to scare you off or anything Jules, but hope you've had heaps of warning about how painful it's likely to be?
Good luck hon!

Anne said...

Mmm that last comment was reaussuring! Love your sense of humour - go and enjoy the last 2 weeks and 5 days with the old one!

Jules said...

LaLa: New toys sounds like a great idea, maybe I could have a Vadge Shower where everyone brings toys for the new vadge. Would that mean I would have to send a thank you card after it arrives with a photo of the new arrival???

Jin: Yes darling, very aware of how painful it is going to be, I don't really have much of a choice though as all my bits are falling out. Grin and bear it I suppose!!

Anne: I plan to Anne!!

Wanna_B_slimmer said...

Good luck Jules.. Surgery of any kind is always a worry... but down there... bloody hell thats cruel...
I am sure your man will be most appreciative..
ANd if it means keeping it all in place and not have it all hanging out then so be it...
we will be thinking of you... sort of... haha
Take care and enjoy the next couple of weeks!

EmmaK said...

Enjoy having your vag serviced or resurfaced or lubed or whatever you are having done. Soon you will be purring like a kitten and reaching new heights of pleasure. ooh you are brave jules to go under the knife.

Mellisa said...

Yay a new V-jay jay!!! Gonna be a good blogger and post some before and after pictures??? *giggle*

Leenie said...

Camel toes are so hot to trot babe and the resleeve will keep things going well into prime years, better make sure Blair is up to the task of keepin up, cos you'll be smokin in no time LOL ;)

Lyn said...

Ok I'm showing my nievity here ... but I didn't even know you could get that done. I thought that I was doomed to live with my saggy vay-jay!!

Whoever I want to be said...

I so love your reading your blog Jules..... Take care :)

Sarah said...

Hey jules! sorry I have been so absent! congratulations on your wedding - the photos are gorgeous! sorry to read that you had dramas though! hope the family are all sorted now!

Cazzie!!! said...

Been there, dont that...just please do as they say and take it very easy after the op okay :)

Lee-Anne said...

I hope you're getting plenty of mileage out of the ole veejay as it might be a while before the new veejay's cherry is picked.

Make sure you definitely do what you're suppose after the op. Hope you have heaps of help around you.

Steph said...

Congrats on a date for the new flange.
Make sure you test drive it carefully mkay.

Kt said...

i love your sense of humour! good luck, you'll be fine :)

hawkeye23 said...

Well, you do learn something new everyday... reconditioned flanges... who'da thunk it?

Anonymous said...

Hmmm. I accidentally found this site and regretted the fact that you were trying to fit everybody elses's expectations.

Your family appear to be lazy bastards and in need of a good shakeup.

By the way, the doctors don't tell you that major pelvic surgery can cause inhibitions and that you might never recover your pre-surgery sexiness. Fuckers.