Wednesday, February 27, 2008

No Right To Feel This Way

There are kids dying of starvation every day.

There are atrocities of major kinds occuring in far off places, and probably just around the corner too.

Plenty of people in the world today have found out that they have a terminal illness.

Mothers are getting visits from policemen to tell them their son/daughter has died in a car crash.

Women are being beaten by their so called protectors every night.

So who the fuck am I to feel so shit about my lot??

It is a horrible feeling to feel like everything is shit and you have no direction in life.

My kids are healthy, my family is safe and sound but things just seem to be hurtling down a black hole faster and faster.

Our move to Aussie is off, we had to analytically look at the figures and it just didn't make sense when Blair was on good money here for us to go, especially with interest rates and rents donig the massive leap over there as well.

So where does that leave us?

The house build opportunity has come and gone.

The house we live in was supposed to be a 6 month temporary abode whilst building! It is small, too small for us.

My weight is climbing.

My self esteem doesn't exist.

My husband and I are at war all the time. Not out and out war but the sort of little commando missions that break down the enemy forces and after a good year will shatter everything.

Blair is never happy.

I am always taking everything he says personally, then again "you're a fucking lazy slob" and "you're a fucking idiot" have tendancies to feel rather personal.

We have sex maybe once a month.

This has been going on for a couple of years.

I have no doubt he loves me but I think he doesn't fancy me anymore.

I think he hasn't since I first put on weight 8 years ago, we've been together 9 next month.

He is not happy with his lot.

I am not happy with my lot.

But this is the thing, I don't feel I have the right to feel this way when you look at all the poor souls out there dealing with much bigger crap.

We have decided to ride the market out and spend the next three years renting while we save a hefty deposit, if the impending Aussie move taught us anything it was that we could save if wanted to and set our minds to it.

We have also decided we need another rental property, a long termer that we love.

We found one.

Well I did, it's in Loburn, out country and it has huge grounds, four bedrooms and a rumpus room. Oh and a dishwasher and an ensuite.

Blair wanted it too.

Then he didn't want to move the kids to the country school so I pulled out of the running.

Then he changed his mind and said let's go for it.

So I reapplied and did all of the application, references etc today.

Then he got home from work and is freaking out that we are overcommiting ourselves because what if the building boom dies right off and Dad can't supply him with work and he has to work elsewhere??

So I just deleted all my photos of my ideal situation. Deck looking out to two paddocks that lead to the river.

A pony paddock.

A chook shed.

Huge trees and adventures and fun to be had everywhere.

So I'm going to pull out of the running again in the morning because if track records have taught me anything they have taught me that if we make this move and things go pear shaped then who will bear the blame for it all?? Moi of course!!

I have made and broke fifty different ideas in the last week since we made the Aussie is Off decision and I am just feeling flat and like I am at a point in my life where I have suddenly time warped to and have no idea how I got here and why I chose to come in the first place.

Life takes different turns, twists and you encounter many forks in the road. I feel like I am at a twenty road intersection and I have no idea which one to take, or even if there is a path to follow at all.

So that is why the lack of blogging (oh and the photos will come!!)

29 comments:

Kate said...

Oh babe, this is one of the worst feelings ever! I hate feeling like that.

I hope things get better for you soon!

I was seriously feeling like this for a while there, and then I started my 101 list.. and it gave me an excuse to spend a little time on myself, and all those things to look forward, to accomplish.. they gave me back my life again and gave me hope that there was awesome things in the future, even if the present felt rather humdrum!

Sending you a load of hugs!! If we lived in the same area I'd be hauling you out for a walk or coffee NOW!

Chris H said...

FUCK FUCK AND TRIPLE FUCK, I wish there was something I could say to help you! But at the end of the day, what happens to you and your family is up to you and Blair, how you handle certain situations... bla bla bla! No one else can be in your shoes and know just how you feel..... hang in there, do what feels right WHEN it feels right... and then just go with it. Shit happens babe, you just got to rise above it... and fucken talk to Blair about how things really are making you miserable.... maybe talking about how you hate decision making being 'blamed on you' in retrospect makes you feel? Stew does that to me too.. arsehole. {{{BIG HUG MATE}}}

Ms Smack said...

If you have access to a community counsellor or someone, make an appointment and go and see them. This kind of pressure can easily slip into an unmanageable depression and that's tiresome on top of an already big lifestyle.

Maybe it's time you and Blair had some 'kid-free' time.

One day at a time. Sit down and write out a time-line. Start from the goal (end) first and work back.

Work out what you need to do to achieve the goal, and how you can do it.

Then, get Blair to agree to it, or better, do it together.

goodluck xx

Lynda said...

Shit Jules... what can I say? I do know that life reflects what we put out. Yes, Blair still loves you and in fact - surprise, surprise, would still fancy you if you liked yourself at all. You know this is true. There is no one more sexy than someone who is confident and loves themselves.

You need to regroup, think about your relationship and kids before you even think of anything else.

I have been in shit relationships but I don't think you have one, you just have shit attitudes.

Please, please learn to like yourself and let your kids and Blair know how important they are - believe me the rest will follow... *hugs*

LaLa said...

Jules my love, I don't really know what to say. From my point of view I am devastated that you won't be moving here, but I can't make decisions for you.

Being an adult sucks sometimes and I think you are stuck right in the middle of that suckful phase.

I just wish I knew what you could do, but I don't have the answers for you.

Just know that I'm on your side.

m said...

I could of written this post. (well with the exception of the move, the house issues, you get my meaning)

I broke down and went to get xanax to deal with my "shit" life and lo and behold I suffered from depression. Life is easier with the drugs than without.

Like you I think of all the shit that could go wrong and that my life is pretty charmed, doesn't make it any easier.

Not trying to be funny, but both of you need sex more than once a month. I find it clears the head. Theirs needs more cleaning than ours.

mel said...

keep your chin up above water Jules, I know it is hard but it's so important to swim and not sink (I've been sunk quite a few times and it's truly horrible)
hang in there chookie! I like Ms Smack's advice about getting some outside help, just a sounding board. Don't stay at home and do nothing about how you are feeling, share it with people who can listen and take a bit of the heaviness of you.

Wishing you happy sunshine days ahead,

Mel

(old betty from eastwest) xxx

Mel said...

oh and I meant 'take the heaviness OFF a you" so you can unload some probs, hehehe, not take the heaviness off you like a Jenny Craig program.

(Lordy knows I need to get myself one of those though)

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Hi Julie...babes, I wish for only the good things in life for you and family. It will come to you babes. My positive thoughts go your way honey. I believe in you honey.

Tracy said...

First of all you have the "right" to feel any way you do. Secondly, go for the nice house, you deserve to lice somewhere nice that makes you happy. If you have to leave in the future, so be it bit at least you got to live somewhere nice in the meantime. I know from experience that alone can make a huge difference to how you feel.

I agree with Linda about Blair, you are unhappy with yourself and lacking confidence in yourself. I go thru the same thing, if I feel yuck then I feel my husband does not fancy me when in fact all that is really ahppening is I am giving off "f*#k off I'm horrible & you cannot possibly like me" vibes.

Things will work out for you, you are stronger than you feel right now. BTW if you take the house & it goes pear shaped, or if you do not take the house & something else goes wrong, if you are going to get blamed anyway, at least get blamed for something that was good for a while :-)

M58 said...

I live not far from you, if you ever want a new face to talk to, just email me, Im sure that you have loads of friends, butmaybe a fresh one might help, just a thought, and PS I am going thru a real shit time at the moment, so can emphathise with you

Margaret

Cazzie!!! said...

I know it, life can have so many downs..but arounf every corner there is a positive, please hang in there...huggs :)

rand(om) bites said...

Why don't you have a right to feel this way Jules? There is a lot of bad shit in the world but this humbling thought doesn't make it any easier some days. We live in a society that is constantly trying to manipulate us. The pressure builds. Add kids and a family to that and hell, it can be a fairly volatile mix. I think it's fair to say that we all lack self esteem at times and that's okay. We're not perfect and never will be.

My partner and I seem to be at war with each other too some days. We even nearly broke up last year. We had a very bad year but not that you would've read about it. We finally got to the stage where it got so bad we both finally cracked but then that's when we really started communicating again. Little commando missions are often veiling something entirely different and miscommunication is the number one killer of relationships. People just stop talking to each other and we should never stop talking and listening. And sex - don't even compare how many times you do it in a month to others. Anyone in a long term relationship knows that there is something much more powerful than sex alone in any lasting relationship - communication.

I don't believe that everything is shit in your life Jules and you do have direction, you have a young family and you have your studies. Jules - what do you really deep down want to do and achieve in life? You can't very well achieve anything if you don't have a goal in mind and a plan to make it happen. Okay - so you've had some plans and they've fallen through but you then just have to make new ones. We wouldn't be where we are today if everyone gave up on themselves at any one setback.

Hon, I reckon you're just going through a dark time in your life and of course it's going to be hard to see the light but it's waiting for you to push through, I truly believe that. Your passion for people and life comes out in your writing. You've got something Jules and I know you can get through this. But you gotta talk to Blair too so you can get through it together. Not one single person, relationship or even family is perfect. Believe in yourself Jules, I know I believe in you. It really is your choice on where you go from here.

Next best thing - talk to someone professionally about it and not just someone who wants to give you a pill. You and I both know that's not the answer.

Here's a little quote I came across recently. It can be interpreted in so many ways but ultimately it's about choices and decisions and that is something you do have control over.

-----

'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'

'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.

'I don't much care where -' said Alice.

'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.

'- so long as I get somewhere,' Alice added as an explanation.

'Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, 'if you only walk long enough.'

Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

-----

I hope this helps! Or you know, you can just tell me to f*ck off.

Big {{{HUGS}}} xx

Anne said...

Can't really add any advise to top up what has been said. Do love Mary's bit from Alice above!

Thinking of you - take care:-)

Steph said...

Oh sweet girl, I feel for you. I don't really know what to say except that I believe you're a strong, smart, awesome woman, and you WILL pull yourself out of this.

Be gentle with yourself right now, take one day at a time and try not to stress about things that may or may NOT happen tomorrow or the next day. None of us knows what it will bring.
I like Smacks idea of talking to someone. You sound like you need a shoulder right now.

((biggest hugs))

AlleyCat said...

Jules, sorry to hear about what's been happening. Please don't be too harsh on yourself.

No "advice" so to speak, I believe Ms Smack & Mary have given you sound advice.

Can you still put in your application & see what happens? If you get it, can you decline later? Thinking of you.

Wanna_B_slimmer said...

Oh fk it all... what a shitful hole you have been shoved into... damn... I wish i could help drag you out lovely... but no amount of scotch is gonna fix this one.. only time and patience... Biggest hugs to you...

Rachel said...

Sorry to hear your going through a shitty time.

I tend to agree with Kate about her 101 list thingie. I reckon you need to sit down when it is quite and really think about what YOU want and what YOU want to achieve (not just big things, little things too) and slowly but surely tick them off.

Lynda is also right when she say, as soon as you start feeling good about yourself (by doing little things to make you happy) others around you (ie. Blair) will also start feeling good.

You are a very strong, smart women who runs that family (I know the men should but they NEVER do eh) and if you invest a bit of time in yourself, you will see the benefits everywhere else....trust me.

Tully said...

You don't have to feel guilty for feeling down, you're entitled to feel however you feel.

I think finding someone to talk to would be a good idea. Sounds like you need a shouldar to cry on.

I'm sorry things haven't worked out for you the way you wanted them to, I know a thing or two about that too and it can really eat you up.

Take care and try to do something nice fr yourself this weekend.

kathrynoh said...

I totally defend your right to feel shit. If Hollywood actresses and rich heiresses can be all crapping on about how shitty their lives are then we surely can!

When I went through a bad patch a few years ago, my shrink (or maybe my astrologer... someone) told me to think of just one little thing to look forward to every day. That really helped.

Lyn said...

Hey Jules (hugs)...

not sure what else to add to the amount of wonderful advice given ... other than maybe say alot of us, especially me have been (and often still am) in your predicament.

I was at an all time low when I decided to become a volunteer for St Johns because I didn't feel I could go any lower. It was the best thing for me, got me out of the house for the day doing something that took my mind off my own shit. Even just for one day!! I met a family network there who cared about me and ironically understood me because alot of them were in similar situations.

I'm not necesarily suggesting you become an ambulance officer but you need to find something for you!! Something that gives you a reason to wake up in the morning, a reason to live! And I find when I give out to others it makes myself feel more fulfilled.

Hugs chickey!!

Middle Child said...

Shit happens... when you are in the shit it feels terrible...I have been in and out of your position...different but the same if you get my drift...

Don't be too sure your man doesn't fancy you however you are...they are easily satisfied as long as you both can stop and smell the roses together without fighting sometimes. I don't know Blair so I can't really say, but the weight thing is really only important if you feel unwell because of it...the main reason I am working on mine a bit is that I need to be here for the girls and myself as I am at the age where it could cause problems and I want to live long if I can. They need one parent at least.

Don and I had dome bewdy rows...but I had a thing I would do just as we were going to sleep... no matter hoiw bad it was I would slip my hand in under his neck, juts there...he had no feeling below the chest due to being a Quad... and I would leave it there. Sometimes he would drop his neck onto it and hold it there...and I knew things were okay. We had to make decisions not to hurt each other...actually sit down and say that we felt shithouse after hurting each other without recriminations and trying to out best the other with our virtue...

If you can both look at each other in the quiet and really look into each other's eyes and imagine that the other was dead to the world and not get upset... I don't think you could and I don't think he could...thats the love... all the other stuff, the pressure etc is shit.

You may need to admit to needing a bit of help but sadly most men won't even entertain the idea..
my heart goes out to you Jules... I hope it all eases soon for you both...

so sorry about not coming to Australia... I hope that the house you like becomes your home soon.

Kate said...

Hey lovely, just checking up.. you feeling any better?

rand(om) bites said...

Hope you're feeling better chooka - thinking of you :-) x

Mellisa said...

((Big warm hugs))

Anne said...

Missing you - hope life is getting a little better:-)

Mellisa said...

Hope you're ok Jules .... Thinking of you!!

Tania said...

Jules you know what - you're 100% right, no matter what you're going through in your life there will always be someone somewhere doing things so much tougher.

But you can only control your own environment - and if you're not happy then things need to change, and lets face it if we're not happy we need to have an outlet for a whinge, so we can talk through the frustrations - makes it much easier to deal with them then!

Sounds like you're in a rut - have you been feeling like this since the wedding? If so it's a common thing - I went through it myself, so much of your life is built up around that big day and suddenly there's a lull left behind.

Hang in there mate - we're all here to listen whenever you need a rant. Hope things improve for you soon.

Tania said...
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