No Right To Feel This Way

There are kids dying of starvation every day.

There are atrocities of major kinds occuring in far off places, and probably just around the corner too.

Plenty of people in the world today have found out that they have a terminal illness.

Mothers are getting visits from policemen to tell them their son/daughter has died in a car crash.

Women are being beaten by their so called protectors every night.

So who the fuck am I to feel so shit about my lot??

It is a horrible feeling to feel like everything is shit and you have no direction in life.

My kids are healthy, my family is safe and sound but things just seem to be hurtling down a black hole faster and faster.

Our move to Aussie is off, we had to analytically look at the figures and it just didn't make sense when Blair was on good money here for us to go, especially with interest rates and rents donig the massive leap over there as well.

So where does that leave us?

The house build opportunity has come and gone.

The house we live in was supposed to be a 6 month temporary abode whilst building! It is small, too small for us.

My weight is climbing.

My self esteem doesn't exist.

My husband and I are at war all the time. Not out and out war but the sort of little commando missions that break down the enemy forces and after a good year will shatter everything.

Blair is never happy.

I am always taking everything he says personally, then again "you're a fucking lazy slob" and "you're a fucking idiot" have tendancies to feel rather personal.

We have sex maybe once a month.

This has been going on for a couple of years.

I have no doubt he loves me but I think he doesn't fancy me anymore.

I think he hasn't since I first put on weight 8 years ago, we've been together 9 next month.

He is not happy with his lot.

I am not happy with my lot.

But this is the thing, I don't feel I have the right to feel this way when you look at all the poor souls out there dealing with much bigger crap.

We have decided to ride the market out and spend the next three years renting while we save a hefty deposit, if the impending Aussie move taught us anything it was that we could save if wanted to and set our minds to it.

We have also decided we need another rental property, a long termer that we love.

We found one.

Well I did, it's in Loburn, out country and it has huge grounds, four bedrooms and a rumpus room. Oh and a dishwasher and an ensuite.

Blair wanted it too.

Then he didn't want to move the kids to the country school so I pulled out of the running.

Then he changed his mind and said let's go for it.

So I reapplied and did all of the application, references etc today.

Then he got home from work and is freaking out that we are overcommiting ourselves because what if the building boom dies right off and Dad can't supply him with work and he has to work elsewhere??

So I just deleted all my photos of my ideal situation. Deck looking out to two paddocks that lead to the river.

A pony paddock.

A chook shed.

Huge trees and adventures and fun to be had everywhere.

So I'm going to pull out of the running again in the morning because if track records have taught me anything they have taught me that if we make this move and things go pear shaped then who will bear the blame for it all?? Moi of course!!

I have made and broke fifty different ideas in the last week since we made the Aussie is Off decision and I am just feeling flat and like I am at a point in my life where I have suddenly time warped to and have no idea how I got here and why I chose to come in the first place.

Life takes different turns, twists and you encounter many forks in the road. I feel like I am at a twenty road intersection and I have no idea which one to take, or even if there is a path to follow at all.

So that is why the lack of blogging (oh and the photos will come!!)