Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Why???

Why do I feel and react like this?

Blair and I have had words this evening, as we all do.

It's been along a day, it's been a long week come to think of it.

Kids are fucken tired, I am fucken tired and I am not reacting very well.

I am reacting like I do when I am in bad depressed state.

A lot of things have come out of me this month emotionally.

Found Peta's birth dad, who knows nothing about her and whom I only knew by nickname, by pure accident on Facebook (fucken evil thing).

That caused a rift with Blair and I as he thought I was deviously doing something that affects the family behind his back - I wasn't.

Then a fellow blogger posted a terrible event in her life and it was spookily nearly the exact same thing that had happened to me when I was 17 and miscarried while breaking up with my boyfriend and the series of events that led me to throw myself in front of a car in drunken despair. It bought a lot of pain to the forefront again.

Just the every day shit of life is getting on top of me.

And I reacted to some tired cranky words from Blair with an hour's worth of crying and lying on my bed thinking of ways to kill myself.

Don't go spare on me, I often do this when I am depressed and tired. I don't follow it through, luckily I have my kids to pull me back to earth but my heart aches with despair and I just feel the urge for it to be way over!!

I have a fucked up head, am on antidepressants already. Being put under to be operated on as I was in November always fucks with my head. Supresses the nervous system making the neurons not transmit and spark the way they should.

Who gives a fuck about the anatomy of it all but I just have this leaden feeling that makes my brain think irrationally.

Arse shit whore bitch.

20 comments:

kathrynoh said...

I'm not going to tell you to cheer up cos that's really fucken annoying. I reckon a good cry can't hurt (even if you are thinking evil thoughts -- everyone does at some point but you're right, how the hell does anyone even begin to justify something like that when you've got kids!

I cope with my depression now by turning my anger outward instead of inward - ie. I imagine killing other people. It's much more wholesome.

Cazzie!!! said...

I am sorry the days have been shit. You should go get a opunching bag kit and punch the shit outta it, you may feel better again, even temporarily.

Ms Smack said...

I reckon that sadness, guilt, regret, sorrow and the like are healthy emotions to have. I have those days where I wish things I'm ashamed to admit.

AND then, like every other mother on earth, I get up, make breaky and get on with it.

Hang in there, oh, and hey, keep an eye on your medical stuff. Maybe it's related?

Tania said...

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment! Focus on the kids, focus on your new life in Australia and focus on yourself and doing what's needed to help you through this. And if ever you need to vent we're all here to listen! Take care!

Chris H said...

Rant on if it helps babe... and I hope it does.... cos short of killing yourself (and we know you won't) it'a about all you can do... well hold on... you could slam some doors, punch a hole in the wall, smash a window... but take it from me THAT really doesn't help much either! Hang in there and just try and reassure Blair that all is good and he has NOTHING to worry about... I really feel for ya babe.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Jules baby...like all things this too will change. The Sun will begin to shine again for you.

Get better honey...I know you're strong, don't let it kick your ass. You and me...we are Amazons...we are the ones that kick ass. :D

Hugs for you Jules.

Ciao babes.

Jayne said...

I'm feeling pretty much the same as you right now, thanks to a vicious verbal attack that I really never saw coming & right on the eve of my fuckin 50th birthday, so you can imagine how shite I've felt. I've been taking stuff to get shot of the migraine the words caused & to try & sleep & the thought of taking extra & not bothering to wake up crossed my mind......but then I thought fukkit, I wanna learn to ride my bike one day! I haven't been drunk in 31yrs (saving my liver for Steph!) but the idea of getting absolutely ratarse seemed appealing, even if it was just for a moment :-)
*hugs for you Jules* Us wimmin are made of strong stuff right? :-)

Miss Beck said...

I'm feeling the same right now. For obviously different reasons.

All I can say is get 2 hours for yourself. Relax and do something that will make you happy.

I got a lotta respect for you, you know that?

Steph said...

Oh sweetheart! I wish I could get you on the piss and make you dance till your toes bleed. ((massive hugs))

Jo said...

Hey Jules

I totally know what you mean. The only thing I can say is that 'this too shall pass'.

For me it helps to remember that NOTHING is permanent and our thoughts and moods change all the time. I tend to really attach myself to the low moods and really focus on them and keep trying to work out 'why, why, why???' when I have started to learn that they pass quicker if I just accept that its a dull time and it will pass.
Everything is balanced in the world, so the low point you are feeling now WILL be balanced by a high point that is just around the corner!

Breathe. Be kind to yourself. Give gratitude for the good in your life, and try to do this daily.

Thats my 2 cents worth.

We love you lots!!!! If you ever wanna email/text, Im here for ya.

xo

AlleyCat said...

(((Hugs)))

Sorry you & Blair had words. From what I've read of your blog, I feel you know yourself well & you know it will take time to work through everything that has come up this month emotionally. Give yourself the time you need. Sorry if I sound like a wanker. You can swear all you like at me if it helps : -)

rand(om) bites said...

Oh Jules hon, I wish I could come 'round and just give you a great big hug. I go through periods where I am acutely depressed myself. You can get through this though. You're going through hell but keep on going, don't stop there for a picnic. The sandwiches are shit house I hear!

x

Wanna_B_slimmer said...

Jules...sounds to me like you got some grooten seeping into your diet still... I too used to go thru massive depressive episodes... I read somewhere that for gluten intollerant people that dont know it often feel so bad they think they are going mad.... suffer from depression etc etc...
My dr spent alot of time trying to get me on drugs for depression.. i told her I wouldnt take them....
All stemmed back to not knowing I was grooten intollerant...
may not be the problem.. but all sounds too familiar to me girl...
;o) luvs ya heaps.. Big hugs...

Anne said...

Wondered if you've thought of herbal remedies, Vit B etc to help you (being you - you probably are. So much good advice in the other comments - I can't really add anything helpful - but take care:-)

Kitty said...

All the hot girls are depressed and head-fucked Jules - didn't you know?

The nutty pills are good. Take them!

((((((hugs)))))))

Kate said...

((HUGS)) babe, I hope you are feeling happier soon. xoxox

Mellisa said...

Hey honey .... I can't wait for you to come out this way ... I will have the babies and you and Blair can have some quiet time ... You need that! Until then, Beck advised to have a couple of hours by yourself .... DO IT!! Leave the kids with Blair and have 'me' time! I do and I love it.

((big cyber hugs))

Lynda said...

Hey Jules... I hope you are feeling a little better since you rant. Take time for yourself, things will get better. No more advice, I don't have a clue!

Middle Child said...

I tend not to get too depressed, but my sister born on the same day does...we are like two sides of a coin, not twins. She just delcares her depression and then rides it through... When you do come off the pills do it extremely gradually like a quarter a day less for some weeks...like tat or you get rebound and think the depression is because you are coming off the pills and that you need them ...

If you can find a doc who can test fro Kryptopyrroles ... many people of Celtic mainly descent have this and it is pure and simp[le an inability to process Zinc and B6... shows up in urine and is called the mauve factor... we have varying degrees of this in life but it can cause highs and melancholia and in some the levels are so far out of whack you end up with manic depression or other...my mum develloped this after dad was killed when we were all kids, she was so brave.much of this is a nutritional deficiency sometimes triggered by a shock or illness etc etc.but plain old zinc doesn't help..got to be high potency...

none of this may mean anything to you but worth a shot...take care...

it'll pass... mighn't seem like it at this time, but one day the birds will sing for you and the sun will shine. Don and I had dome absolutely awful arguements... two storng personalities...but we had more good stuff than bad... and the balance was more than struck...

sound awful old...sorry Jules. Hate to think you are sad.

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