I've Been Dumped

Holy shite, 2 posts in one day!!

I have just been trawling the internet catching up on some buddies in blogland.

I say some because of a couple of reasons:

a) Bloglines has gone and changed itself and I it wouldn't "migrate" most of my blogs I follow

b) Nearly 50% of the blogs I follow on my blogger google connect thingy have disappeared or I have been bumped off the "invited to read" list.

So, if any of you are out there and I haven't popped by your blog today, it is because of one of those reasons.

Please leave me a comment so I can get to your blogs and if you got rid of me because I never commented for the year I was banished to dial up internet land, then bloody well invite me back thanks:

jandbnathan@xtra.co.nz

Christmas Time, Mistletoe and Wine .....

Well, let's say no mistletoe and heaps of wine.

I have been averaging 4 bottles a week in the lead up to Christmas.

Brilliant!!

Loving it.

Had a great but extremely hard work out this morning with my little pommy personal trainer from hell.

Sweated like a pig.

We have settled in to life on the "farm" quite well. Now have two horses, two kune kune piglets, 2 roosters, 1 goldfish, one cat and two dogs. Mad.

Am looking at Nuskin/Pharmanex as a possible work from home option, anyone know much about it?

New House New Beginnings

It's happened - finally!!

I have a new place to live.

It's huge and it's less than ten years old, on ten acres of which we can use every little bit.

Loving it, views right out to Christchurch City and the Port Hills in the distance, magical views at night.

Views of the mountains which are nice and close.

Only 800m from the kids' school.

Have eight bedrooms plus a full sized office, four bathrooms and four car garage and all for only $350 a week.

Have set up a playroom for the girls and a gym/excercise room.

Start a new job (unpaid) on Monday morning for a couple of mornings a week with one of NZ's top endurance riders and breeders. She offered me to come learn with her and I am jumping at the chance. All is good.

Have had sad news this week, a friend's ex husband committed suicide on Monday. He left behind a near 4 year old and a bitter divorce battle. RIP CB!!

Jxx

A Decade of Disease

I have been diseased for a decade.

On 4th of November 2000 I weighed 91.5 kg.

From then on I only got heavier.

Today is the 7th of September 2010 and I weigh around 106 kg.

I refuse to enter my next decade of life obese.

So I declare that by 4th November 2010 I will be under 91.5kg again and start my next ten years of life in a healthier state.

That is all.

On the Fence

It's a very hard place to be - sitting on the fence. As a friend pointed out, it's uncomfortable and all you end up with is chaffed thighs.

I am actually sitting on a junction of fences, you know, where four paddocks' fences meet? I'm straddling the part that is in the corner of each paddock. I could fall four different ways. Each paddock has it's own merits. There is something attractive in each one. If I fall into one, will I want to stay there? Will I find the grass greener in the other paddocks? Will I end up back straddling the junction? Will someone surround that paddock with electric fencing and will I be stuck there? Will the grazing in one paddock suit me but maybe not suit my family so much? Would they be better off if I was in the other paddock with the red clover? Am I aiming for a paddock that's pasture is really too rich for my calibre?

OMG the analogies!!!!

Paddock One has me going to work, either part or full time. Sian is 4 soon. Thinking about doing some office work and maybe part time studying over the next couple of years in officey type stuff. Is there enough opportunity in my district, would I have to travel to Chch? Could be more financially viable option.

Paddock Two has me going back to Uni. Studying for a professional qualification and having a career. My leaning is towards Psychology. And not just the basic degree but going the whole clinical route, and maybe even Educational Psych or Forensic. I am so interested in it. Would have to travel the 40 mins to classes at Uni in Chch.

Paddock Three has me going for my original love - equine, following on from this year's withdrawal, doing the Equine course and then finding a job here in the immediate area. Study is close, easy and full of fitness. Jobs pretty easy to come by and my love for it would never see me bored.

Paddock Four is the chill paddock. I forget it all for the next couple of years. Be an at home Mum and maybe study some interest papers, nothing full on, just potter. Get back into my art, sew some shit, and concentrate on home baking and being a good Mum. But, can I be a good Mum if I am not stimulated in some way, shape or form??

Maybe I am just not worth grazing, maybe I should be euthanized and sent to the meat works. LOL.

Any ideas?

Twice in a Month

Drastic I know.

Meds have kicked in, I feel real again.

Do you know what I really struggle with?

I struggle with letting people around me trivialising my depression. I let them say things like "be positive", "pick yourself up", "pull yourself up by your bootstraps", "onwards and upwards" and other stupid shite.

So many people know about depression but so few of you really know what it is.

So, in your words, what is depression? I don't want to run anyone down, I just want to get a feel for what people's perceptions of my illness are.

Holy Shit ...

it's August and it's still a rough month.

It's been a bad year so far.

I am in throes of a major depressive attack.

On new meds.

Suicidal.

Getting there.

Need to make a decision, find a track to plod and just do it.

**sigh**

Rough Month

I had typed all this out but lost connection due to blowing winds and electric fences shorting so to summarise:

Blair's Mum passed away aged 62 3 weeks ago.

Post funeral family feuds.

Have 12 weeks to find new house to live in.

Have too many pets and kids to find a house.

Over it.

The Path Twists Again

Just when you think you are on the right road, the destination in sight, again with the bloody roadworks, the detour, the path twists again.

The last week has been a reality check for me. I had started to live the dream rather than take the steps towards achieving the dream. Someone wise once said it's not about the destination, it's the journey. Or something along those lines.

I have withdrawn from my equine course. The childcare costs were going to be along the lines of $300 a week. The end dream is my own stud farm so it makes more sense to be saving that money towards the dangling carrot of land rather than swanning around at a course where, to be fair, I would have a shit load of fun riding etc but a lot of the content was pretty damn basic. Could pick it up volunteering at a local stud even ........

Where does this leave me?

Firstly, huge falling out with Dad, inevitable, so currently looking for another rental to tide us over until we get together the required deposit, which incidentally is nearly 50% of the purchase price of land. Yup, you need $100,000 deposit to buy a $200,000 10 acre block these days. For fucks sake!!!!!

Options are being tossed around so we won't give up hope.

House and land packages are an option but seems like a pain in the anus to have to pay some other wanker to build us a house when Blair is a qualified builder......

What the hell have you all been up to??

Ahoy there

I am alive.

I really am.

Life is pretty great.

I am riding heaps, had a bad fall in mid January and ended up in hospital on IV antibiotics due to a septic wound on my left arm. Still having troubles with that arm but a muscular thing in the deltoids so should sort soon.

My course starts in 3 weeks. Crazy.

Everyone else on the course ranges in age from 18 - 21. Bwwwaaahhhhaaaahhhhaaaa. I am really going to have to struggle to maintain my believe that I am entitled to be there. And I am really going to have to try really hard not to become the mother hen.

I have put a deposit on a beautiful Arabian mare, she's chestnut and I'm hoping to train her up for endurance and then breed from her. The dream is coming true.

I am seeing a personal trainer twice a week. She used to be the coach/selector for the England Under 16 hockey team. She is tough but fair and she lives across the road so is great motivation.

I am developing muscles that I never knew existed. Especially those side abs. No wonder most of the horsey girls have such great legs and figures.

Kids are great, Phoebe starts school in 8 weeks, my how time has flown.

We are loving and hating the new house at the same time. Lovely to be in brand new home, sunset is to die for, peace and tranquility but I am constantly having to remind Dad to do things for the house, he's so busy that I don't blame him for not having it as a priority but Blair isn't so understanding. Ben has no light, we have no bars in the wardrobes to hang clothes no, no curtains except in bedrooms, fire still not installed, ensuite toilet doesn't work, spa bath not hooked up, the list goes on .......

So Blair wants to move on. I understand this too. It's bloody hard being the one in the middle.

If we move again I would have lived in 37 houses since birth. LOL.

Right, must fly, have to do housework and I really must wipe Sian's bum too.

And The Teenies Begin ...

Firstly, I'd like to say that the Teenies sounds as bloody stupid as the Noughties.

My absence has been noted by many and that is a nice thing. When I finally got the blooming internet on here we were informed that we are too far out for broadband and we are currently having to deal with dial up internet. Seriously, in 2010 we are having to operate on a system that's current speed is maxing out at 31.2 kbps. Seriously. You may now understand my lack of updates because it's a bloody time sapper to even get a post loaded. It has curbed my internet addiction and paved the way for my life to be a bit more active and involved.

I have had some fucken ups and downs, when don't I?
When don't we all? I am learning that life is just that. If it runs too smoothly then you aren't really living, right?

I start my course in about 8 weeks and have a busy schedule of increased time in the saddle leading up to the 8th of March. The body is taking a pummeling. Fell off just before Christmas, which was a good confidence booster, silly as that may sound, it made me realise I can still fall off and get up again.

My dear husband has been away working in Auckland since 26th Dec and is not back until the 18th Jan. Solo parenting four kids is hard. I won't lie. Usually I take it in my stride but when it's day after day with no break, you start to appreciate what input the other half contributes to family life.

Phoebe has sailed through Glandular Fever relatively unscathed. Sian has proven she has an allergy to grass with quite severe reactions when she walked out into the large paddock just before the hay was cut.

Peta, Ben and I went to a great wedding last Sunday up country. Was nice and relaxed and fun was had by all, although a wedding is definitely time to notice the absence of your husband.

I will be around. Not as often with the current state of internet, seeing as it takes about 5 minutes for one of your blog pages to load onto my fucken screen, I will read when I can.