The Root of all Evil

I was home from polytech for the two weeks holiday.

Mum and Dad were in Aussie with the rest of the family on holiday but I was away studying Veterinary Nursing in Dunedin so wasn't able to go, due to timing issues.

It was 1995. May I think.

I had just got home and had a 21st to go to.

All our friends were going and I knew the guy through Blair. (We were currently just friends and not together, that would take another couple of years).

I headed off to the 21st at a local cricket club with all the crew. The night started well, everyone dancing, funny speeches, the usual.

Last thing I remember I was dancing on the dance floor. Absolute last memory.

From other's recollections it was at this time that one of our mates, a big bloke, was dancing away next to me when he swung around in a crazy attempt at rocking and smacked a wine bottle into my head. I apparently went mad drunk pretty immediate and when everyone else left for town I wouldn't go because I was fucked up. I headed off to a back room and passed out in back room on a mattress. I also have no recollection of this.

*****

I woke up with a sore head from the bump.

I was shivering, had no idea where I was. I realised I was naked just as the father of the guy who's 21st it was walked in on me. I was hugely embarrased. I have been known to strip naked at home and crash out when I am drunk so I presumed this is what happened.

I quickly dressed and came out into the main hall where C (21st guy) and H were, another guy from the 21st who I vaguely knew. I started to help tidy up and then commented on the bump on my head and how I had no idea what had happened that night. H laughed to himself and then spoke up "it may have been the best night of your life". C joined the laughing. There was no elaboration and I continued to tidy.

I decided to head home shortly afterwards and C and H asked if they could have a ride and could they hang at my house for a bit. My olds were away, as previously mentioned, and I thought why not.

They came to my place, along with another guy who turned up at the hall just before we left. We watched tv, ate, and they chatted, C and H that is, J, the other guy just sat there watching me. Heaps. I wondered why, it wasn't in a leering way at all, more watching me for reaction. He then suggested that he and the others leave.

****

Through the following week I had horrible feelings, kept hearing "it may have been the best night of your life" in my head. I quizzed some of my girlfriends, they had no idea what had happened to me, just said I was not into town and that I was really bizarre after getting hit in the head with the wine bottle.

It was the following Friday night when Nic and Kim knocked on my door. They were my best mates at the time, I flatted in Dunedin with Nic and Kim is still my best friend to this day.

They came in looking sick with worry.

"What's happened?" I queried with trepidation, I had three friends die by gunshot in the previous 3 and a half years, I saw that similar look of despair in my girl's eyes.

It was then that my world crashed down.

"Jules, we've found out through some of the guys what actually happened to you on Saturday at the 21st. After everybody left C and H found you out the back on a mattress and decided to have their way with you. Both of them. You were out to it. Don't worry sweets, the boys don't think anything less of you, they think C and H are creeps"

****

I felt violated but also confused, did I have a reason to feel this way? Did I cooperate at all, was I part of this? How can I have no memory? Why do the boys think so little of C and H, usually boys high five each other over this sort of thing?

I had a million questions but noone to ask. My eating problems started.

****

A couple of years later I was at another 21st that C ended up being at, he kept taunting me by coming and asking for a light, or deliberately taking the path that led past me to the loos. In the end I said to my flatmate and mate, let's go. As we left he shouted out "Fuck her, I have". Once again I felt that punch in the gut I had felt the night I was told.

****

C is currently in jail serving time for selling and providing "P". I don't know where H is, I don't care. I have less of an issue with H for some reason, maybe because I barely knew him but C was a good friend, or so I thought.

That was 13 years ago in May, yet this still fucks me up. I don't know how to deal with it as I don't know if I am justified in feeling anything. Many of my friends called it rape. I sometimes feel it is, other times I'm not sure. It wasn't consentual, how could it be when I was passed out? But .... oh who fucken knows!! all I do know is that from that day forth I gained weight and lots of it. Emotional fuck up for sure but on some insane level I think I provided myself with a fat suit so that I didn't gain that attention again.

Not that it ever stopped, I am a naturally sexual person.

I don't know, who does??

The Wedding Day

I woke at 6.30am, only because my alarm went off.

I looked out to see the most beautiful day. I was wrapt. Busied myself having some cereal, a shower and a coffee.

Left for hairdressers, arrived at 9am.

Hair took just over an hour. Can't say I was 100% happy with it. Got to my sister's to pick her and my mate slash makeup artist up and I immediately was fucked off. Keri's hair looked about 50 times better than mine. Peta looked great too but my hair just looked average.

Got over it for the time being and headed to Mt Potts. Arrived just after 1pm. Fluffed around getting makeup on and then into dress. Dress wouldn't dome properly in the right place and therefore wouldn't lace up. Out came the ever handy safety pin. Finally dressed etc and it was 3.30pm, ceremony was at 3pm. Damn late arse bride.

By this time the nerves had taken over and I had a bridezilla meltdown over the hair, got over it and headed towards the helipad where the ceremony was. The girls all walked ahead of me and then Dad and I went down the wee rocky path towards everyone. Dad was walking way to fast and my heels kept getting stuck in the grass. I had to tell the man to slow down!!

Finally rounded the guests and walked towards my husband to be. He was crying hard out! When I reached him we immediately held hands and then the ceremony started. Did I mention that it was lightly raining and the wind was howling, the snow was low on the mountains and it was fucking freezing. My veil was flying everywhere. It was all over quickly (thank fuck) and we had some quick photos and then headed up to the lodge which was toasty warm. Had a quick drink and then we took off into the wild weather for some photos on the airstrip, in the forest, the haybarn and in some derelict old stables where Blair fell in love with a big Stag's head and the lodge owner gifted it to him!

Got back to the lodge about 5.15pm and by this stage there were quite a few drunk people and I was a bit worried about the turn the night may take. We headed into dinner and had the speeches and then a beautiful buffet dinner with fresh lemon herbed salon, roast ribeye beef fillets and marinated lime chicken kebabs. Was delicious. Dessert was flourless chocolate brownies with cream and berries or mini kiwi pavolovas with whipped cream and kiwifruit.

I then took off and settled down Sian in one of the twin rooms where the kids were bunking in with my mate Jules, who was there to be the babysitter for the night. All the kids headed to bed about the same time and then Blair and I cut the cake and had our first dance to "Love Will Keep Us Alive" by the Eagles.

Within an hour it had turned to shit. My two brothers along with some local mates and brother in law and a few other drunkards, had decided to flag the beer and wine and just stood at the bar having multiple shots of top shelf spirits. Opel Nera, Tequilla, etc etc. The top shelf was half wiped out and it was all done in shots - and this was at 9.30pm. By 10pm it was nearly all over for me.

My two brothers were having "slap" fights until one did it too hard and it ended up in them brawling. Dad stepped in and they were separated. Then my youngest brother, who was off his face, decided it was a great time to air all the family bullshit which included telling Mum to shut the fuck up and stop crying, telling Dad that he was an arrogant cunt, telling all of us that he knows that we all think he's a loser but he's not. It was fucken shit. Then a friends husband nearly knocked him over and next minute it was all on and I told him to just leave the party and go to bed.

So it carried on outside with him abusig Mum and Dad and anyone who came near him.
Blair managed to settle him down and then my sister and her husband come over (husband having done multiple tequillas) and demand that youngest bro goes to bed. Blair says "give me 5 mins with him, I've got him calm, just give me 5" and sister's husband says I don't give a fuck about you I just want to put him to bed, so Blair fires up and threatens to drop him and he puffs up back saying "don't try and staunch me out" and then sister get's involved and Blair tells her to fuck off too and then she decides she's going to bed. That fucked me off, I said "we haven't even had a drink or a dance yet" and then she said well if Blair hadn't of had a go at Hayden" and then I said "my family are a bunch of arseholes" and her and her drunk husband decided to drive home in the middle of the night in the pouring rain in the middle of nowhere in the southern alps with the husband driving.

I stomped up the hill in the rain to bed crying. I had just had enough. Blair came up and had a go at me for blaming him for the fight with Hayden and that I should take a look at my brother's and stop sticking up for them etc and I ended up undressing myself in the dark and sleeping in the spare room in the cottage.

You can never get back your wedding night and that is how mine was. I was gutted, the day was great but the night was absolute shit.

At about 3am I got into bed with Blair because I didn't want to wake up the way I had gone to sleep.

We woke up cuddling but there is still a bit of tension.

Breakfast at the lodge was great and the staff were just amazing. I couldn't fault them in any way. We left with all the gifts (including the hideous stags head) in tow and have been shattered, emotionally and physically ever since.

This afternoon I was confronted by my sister over my attitude towards her over the Hayden/Blair incident and my brother stepped in sticking up for her and I said to him, "don't you start, you haven't even apologised to me yet" and he fired up and said "you haven't apologised to me!!".

What the fuck??

You ruin my fucken wedding night and I am expected to apologise to you. They can all go get bum fucked for all I fucken care. Pack of self centred wankers.

And now Mum is upset that I don't want to go and play happy families with the wankstains tomorrow as we are supposed to have a going away doo for one brother combined with an engagement party for the younger brother. Get rooted you pack of losers.

As you see the photos aren't in yet but I got the anger in me to write the post so went with it.