I was home from polytech for the two weeks holiday.
Mum and Dad were in Aussie with the rest of the family on holiday but I was away studying Veterinary Nursing in Dunedin so wasn't able to go, due to timing issues.
It was 1995. May I think.
I had just got home and had a 21st to go to.
All our friends were going and I knew the guy through Blair. (We were currently just friends and not together, that would take another couple of years).
I headed off to the 21st at a local cricket club with all the crew. The night started well, everyone dancing, funny speeches, the usual.
Last thing I remember I was dancing on the dance floor. Absolute last memory.
From other's recollections it was at this time that one of our mates, a big bloke, was dancing away next to me when he swung around in a crazy attempt at rocking and smacked a wine bottle into my head. I apparently went mad drunk pretty immediate and when everyone else left for town I wouldn't go because I was fucked up. I headed off to a back room and passed out in back room on a mattress. I also have no recollection of this.
I woke up with a sore head from the bump.
I was shivering, had no idea where I was. I realised I was naked just as the father of the guy who's 21st it was walked in on me. I was hugely embarrased. I have been known to strip naked at home and crash out when I am drunk so I presumed this is what happened.
I quickly dressed and came out into the main hall where C (21st guy) and H were, another guy from the 21st who I vaguely knew. I started to help tidy up and then commented on the bump on my head and how I had no idea what had happened that night. H laughed to himself and then spoke up "it may have been the best night of your life". C joined the laughing. There was no elaboration and I continued to tidy.
I decided to head home shortly afterwards and C and H asked if they could have a ride and could they hang at my house for a bit. My olds were away, as previously mentioned, and I thought why not.
They came to my place, along with another guy who turned up at the hall just before we left. We watched tv, ate, and they chatted, C and H that is, J, the other guy just sat there watching me. Heaps. I wondered why, it wasn't in a leering way at all, more watching me for reaction. He then suggested that he and the others leave.
Through the following week I had horrible feelings, kept hearing "it may have been the best night of your life" in my head. I quizzed some of my girlfriends, they had no idea what had happened to me, just said I was not into town and that I was really bizarre after getting hit in the head with the wine bottle.
It was the following Friday night when Nic and Kim knocked on my door. They were my best mates at the time, I flatted in Dunedin with Nic and Kim is still my best friend to this day.
They came in looking sick with worry.
"What's happened?" I queried with trepidation, I had three friends die by gunshot in the previous 3 and a half years, I saw that similar look of despair in my girl's eyes.
It was then that my world crashed down.
"Jules, we've found out through some of the guys what actually happened to you on Saturday at the 21st. After everybody left C and H found you out the back on a mattress and decided to have their way with you. Both of them. You were out to it. Don't worry sweets, the boys don't think anything less of you, they think C and H are creeps"
I felt violated but also confused, did I have a reason to feel this way? Did I cooperate at all, was I part of this? How can I have no memory? Why do the boys think so little of C and H, usually boys high five each other over this sort of thing?
I had a million questions but noone to ask. My eating problems started.
A couple of years later I was at another 21st that C ended up being at, he kept taunting me by coming and asking for a light, or deliberately taking the path that led past me to the loos. In the end I said to my flatmate and mate, let's go. As we left he shouted out "Fuck her, I have". Once again I felt that punch in the gut I had felt the night I was told.
C is currently in jail serving time for selling and providing "P". I don't know where H is, I don't care. I have less of an issue with H for some reason, maybe because I barely knew him but C was a good friend, or so I thought.
That was 13 years ago in May, yet this still fucks me up. I don't know how to deal with it as I don't know if I am justified in feeling anything. Many of my friends called it rape. I sometimes feel it is, other times I'm not sure. It wasn't consentual, how could it be when I was passed out? But .... oh who fucken knows!! all I do know is that from that day forth I gained weight and lots of it. Emotional fuck up for sure but on some insane level I think I provided myself with a fat suit so that I didn't gain that attention again.
Not that it ever stopped, I am a naturally sexual person.
I don't know, who does??