Friday, January 18, 2008

The Root of all Evil

I was home from polytech for the two weeks holiday.

Mum and Dad were in Aussie with the rest of the family on holiday but I was away studying Veterinary Nursing in Dunedin so wasn't able to go, due to timing issues.

It was 1995. May I think.

I had just got home and had a 21st to go to.

All our friends were going and I knew the guy through Blair. (We were currently just friends and not together, that would take another couple of years).

I headed off to the 21st at a local cricket club with all the crew. The night started well, everyone dancing, funny speeches, the usual.

Last thing I remember I was dancing on the dance floor. Absolute last memory.

From other's recollections it was at this time that one of our mates, a big bloke, was dancing away next to me when he swung around in a crazy attempt at rocking and smacked a wine bottle into my head. I apparently went mad drunk pretty immediate and when everyone else left for town I wouldn't go because I was fucked up. I headed off to a back room and passed out in back room on a mattress. I also have no recollection of this.

*****

I woke up with a sore head from the bump.

I was shivering, had no idea where I was. I realised I was naked just as the father of the guy who's 21st it was walked in on me. I was hugely embarrased. I have been known to strip naked at home and crash out when I am drunk so I presumed this is what happened.

I quickly dressed and came out into the main hall where C (21st guy) and H were, another guy from the 21st who I vaguely knew. I started to help tidy up and then commented on the bump on my head and how I had no idea what had happened that night. H laughed to himself and then spoke up "it may have been the best night of your life". C joined the laughing. There was no elaboration and I continued to tidy.

I decided to head home shortly afterwards and C and H asked if they could have a ride and could they hang at my house for a bit. My olds were away, as previously mentioned, and I thought why not.

They came to my place, along with another guy who turned up at the hall just before we left. We watched tv, ate, and they chatted, C and H that is, J, the other guy just sat there watching me. Heaps. I wondered why, it wasn't in a leering way at all, more watching me for reaction. He then suggested that he and the others leave.

****

Through the following week I had horrible feelings, kept hearing "it may have been the best night of your life" in my head. I quizzed some of my girlfriends, they had no idea what had happened to me, just said I was not into town and that I was really bizarre after getting hit in the head with the wine bottle.

It was the following Friday night when Nic and Kim knocked on my door. They were my best mates at the time, I flatted in Dunedin with Nic and Kim is still my best friend to this day.

They came in looking sick with worry.

"What's happened?" I queried with trepidation, I had three friends die by gunshot in the previous 3 and a half years, I saw that similar look of despair in my girl's eyes.

It was then that my world crashed down.

"Jules, we've found out through some of the guys what actually happened to you on Saturday at the 21st. After everybody left C and H found you out the back on a mattress and decided to have their way with you. Both of them. You were out to it. Don't worry sweets, the boys don't think anything less of you, they think C and H are creeps"

****

I felt violated but also confused, did I have a reason to feel this way? Did I cooperate at all, was I part of this? How can I have no memory? Why do the boys think so little of C and H, usually boys high five each other over this sort of thing?

I had a million questions but noone to ask. My eating problems started.

****

A couple of years later I was at another 21st that C ended up being at, he kept taunting me by coming and asking for a light, or deliberately taking the path that led past me to the loos. In the end I said to my flatmate and mate, let's go. As we left he shouted out "Fuck her, I have". Once again I felt that punch in the gut I had felt the night I was told.

****

C is currently in jail serving time for selling and providing "P". I don't know where H is, I don't care. I have less of an issue with H for some reason, maybe because I barely knew him but C was a good friend, or so I thought.

That was 13 years ago in May, yet this still fucks me up. I don't know how to deal with it as I don't know if I am justified in feeling anything. Many of my friends called it rape. I sometimes feel it is, other times I'm not sure. It wasn't consentual, how could it be when I was passed out? But .... oh who fucken knows!! all I do know is that from that day forth I gained weight and lots of it. Emotional fuck up for sure but on some insane level I think I provided myself with a fat suit so that I didn't gain that attention again.

Not that it ever stopped, I am a naturally sexual person.

I don't know, who does??

22 comments:

Spiky Zora Jones said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

So many people, in one way or the othr, has a bit of a story like yours. Mine is very similar and I went through an "off the rails" time after that for a few years. It has only been in the last year or so that I have felt comfortable with myself to let it go a bit more and deal with it.

Thinking of ya...
Kate (kittie444@hotmail)

Memphis Steve said...

I think not knowing is possibly worse than remembering the whole thing, because you can forever imagine endless possible horrors without ever knowing if any are true. I wish I knew something to say that would offer a solution, but I don't. Since you don't know what happened, but everyone acts as if it was something horrible, of course it's bound to upset you. The fact that you don't know what happened only makes it worse. How can you get over it or past it when you don't know for sure exactly what "it" is? You've got a tough situation. I know this may sound odd, but maybe you should talk to someone, a psychologist or someone, about this whole thing? It has clearly had a major impact on your life and your health.

Steph said...

Sounds like rape to me. I've heard this story so many times from women, it's no comfort, but you're not alone.

I don't have any words of wisdom, all I can say is, you're an amazing, strong, beautiful woman, and I applaud your courage for revisiting such a horrible, disgusting, trauma and sharing it with us.

((massive hugs))

Spiky Zora Jones said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rand(om) bites said...

Big {{{HUGS}}} Jules. Writing this must have brought up a lot of old bad feelings.

Memphis Steve said exactly what I was going to say. If it's still messing with you, definitely talk to someone professionally hon. Non consentual sex is rape regardless of whether you're drunk or not. Fullstop. Those guys are scum. There is absolutely no excuse for it.

I've been spiked before and seriously, what the f*ck do these boys think they will achieve by messing with someone who is un-conscious? Maybe they won't get laughed at for their non-existent d*cks and lack of technique maybe? F*cking a-holes.

But hon, look at where you are in your life now. Remind yourself how amazing you are and how amazing your family is. You have a lot of good people around you. Those a-holes shouldn't have any power over you now. Everyone reaps what they sow and that C guy sounds like he got it.

x

Chris H said...

That was rape, pure and simple. You can leave in the past, get counselling to help you come to term with it... or go for their balls and do a "Louise Wallace" on them! Up to you.... I know which one I'd go for. {{{BIG HUGS}}}

Kitty said...

rapists are cunts. i hope they are both dead. rotting in the ground.

Anne said...

Huge hugs.

No question about it -rape!

I hope writing helped you, also hope you go and look into counselling.

mimi said...

*hugs* to you. That was rape, fkn bastards. You need to gain closure from this. A physchologist will help you honey. I had a traumatic experience happen to me and with it, I gained weight. I had a 30kg fat doona protecting my body. I went to see a physchologist who helped me peel off the layers. Free you mind and your weight loss will follow. All the best.

LaLa said...

As Steph mentioned, this has happened to so many of my friends and the worst thing is the not knowing.

You are an incredibly brave and beautiful person Jules, you need to somehow figure out a way of letting go of this so that these arsewipes don't affect you anymore.

I just wish I could tell you how, but if anyone can, you can. xx

Spiky Zora Jones said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Betty said...

Jules, you aren't alone, just like the others have said. In many ways your story is so similar to what my friends and I have had happen. There seems to be a culture of young men that think 'chicks' are fair game and it's funny.

I understand your feelings of violation and the horror of being passed out so you don't really know what was done to you (Fucking bastards! dirty fucking pigs!)

Hugs for you...and isn't it sad how we always turn shame back onto ourselves? When it should be their shame, not ours.

Sarah said...

blardy hell. that really sucks, I can totally see how that would fuck you up. Im really sorry that happened to you, and even worse that it was a friend.
Do you think you would have more closure if you pressed charges? perhaps not, and it might be hard to prove I guess, but for them to both actually be punished.
what arrogant arseholes.

love to you!

Cazzie!!! said...

Warning here...words I never ever type or sms on my phone even will hence forth be MA18 reading ...
Those fucking pricks doing that to you. OMG, I feel sick....shit, and I am the one who feels I have all the right words at the right time.
Once, I loked after a girl, brought into hospital emergency by her boyrfriend..she was fucked up badly, emotionally and physically, she woulodnt speak and the boyfriend pissed off after dropping her in. Just as my shift was finishing, she whispered to me, "He did it, he locked me up for 3 days in a caravan and did this to me".
It was reported..and I dunno what happened after that.
I have to say.... it isn;t her fault, it is not your fault...it is assholes like that who think they are all that...and you know what...they WILL have their day...something will happen to them.
Meanwhile, you can be brave and strong and gorgeous...and if you were closer I'd hugg you to death lady!

Mellisa said...

It was rape .... I agree with Kitty .. I hope they are rotting in hell!!

Ms Smack said...

I'm sure they're getting their own back in one way, shape or form. You're very brave for sharing this tragedy with us. I totally totally reckon you're a fantastic woman to the core.

Wanna_B_slimmer said...

You are not alone... sadly it happens way too often... You took it on the chin... and were strong about it.. some girls dont... and take thier own lives ... Well done on getting it out there... those bastards deserve to rot in hell..

Middle Child said...

If you were unconscious and they had sex with you that was rape...straight up...

be strong in your life so those sorts of mongrels don't "win"

Creeps like that are cowards and no real man has to wait till a woman is drunk or out to it to get sex...

sorry it mucked you about...


any dirt that was felt belongs on their backs until they realise what they have done which will be never in this life most likely...their loss in eternity

Linda said...

That is just so awful, those lousy pricks who just thought it was their god given right to do what ever they like with their dicks to whoever they feel like. Pricks - I'm so sorry it had to happen to you Jules x.

Miss Beck said...

Jules, firstly - you can be a prostitute, with the biggest sex drive, the BIGGEST flirt, wearing the sluttiest clothes but at the end of the day, if you haven't said "Sure, let's get it on Tiger".. then it's rape.

Looking at how you feel now, you can't question if you have a 'right' to feel it. You feel it. Full stop. You have a right to ALL your own emotions and feelings yet as rape victims we question what we might have done to 'turn them on and encourage it'. Why? Simply because we're sexual people.

This is cut and dried. He's a cunt who took advantage of you and then continued on his power trip at that later party when he'd walk past you.

I almost guarantee that 'C' has done this to other women if that is the attitude he had afterwards. Men make mistakes too, perhaps 'H' has regretted it and hence stayed clear but 'C' sounds like it was a game.

There is certainly some truth in 'the fat suit'. But perhaps it isn't to stop unwanted attention, perhaps in your case it's the coccoon of protection. Mine certainly was. Kind of like wrapping myself up after the crime. I know you'll get that.

Deal with this. Get the anger out. Speak to someone who can offer solutions and a number of healthy ways to process this. You can then choose once you have healed more.

All the power to you. You did nothing wrong. Nothing.

Jadey 0:-) said...

Aww abbe there's not much I can say. Nothing I can say will help you anyway that I already know. Thanks for feeling safe enough to share this with me. In Australia we have a group called CASA (Centre against sexual assualt) that are specialists and can help you with councelling and a whole pile of other stuff. I hope you can find someone like that there to help you through. xoxox