Why???

Why do I feel and react like this?

Blair and I have had words this evening, as we all do.

It's been along a day, it's been a long week come to think of it.

Kids are fucken tired, I am fucken tired and I am not reacting very well.

I am reacting like I do when I am in bad depressed state.

A lot of things have come out of me this month emotionally.

Found Peta's birth dad, who knows nothing about her and whom I only knew by nickname, by pure accident on Facebook (fucken evil thing).

That caused a rift with Blair and I as he thought I was deviously doing something that affects the family behind his back - I wasn't.

Then a fellow blogger posted a terrible event in her life and it was spookily nearly the exact same thing that had happened to me when I was 17 and miscarried while breaking up with my boyfriend and the series of events that led me to throw myself in front of a car in drunken despair. It bought a lot of pain to the forefront again.

Just the every day shit of life is getting on top of me.

And I reacted to some tired cranky words from Blair with an hour's worth of crying and lying on my bed thinking of ways to kill myself.

Don't go spare on me, I often do this when I am depressed and tired. I don't follow it through, luckily I have my kids to pull me back to earth but my heart aches with despair and I just feel the urge for it to be way over!!

I have a fucked up head, am on antidepressants already. Being put under to be operated on as I was in November always fucks with my head. Supresses the nervous system making the neurons not transmit and spark the way they should.

Who gives a fuck about the anatomy of it all but I just have this leaden feeling that makes my brain think irrationally.

Arse shit whore bitch.