Shit Hole Day

I am officially at the end of my fucken tether.

I have had it up to my fucken eyeballs with everyone else's shit.

I really feel like lying down on the floor and crying until I die.

I am in the middle of packing the whole house myself, and cleaning it myself. I find out that Mum and Dad have not gotten around to some things with the new house.

eg
No curtains
No fire installed
No shelves in pantry
No Letter fucken box
No phone line into the property

I know my father and know he is a procrastinator and I also know that he is extremely busy at the moment, working 7 days a week as a consulting engineer. But for fuck's sake, if you are going to ask us to move into your property at least do the flipping basics, so that my husband isn't going to go off his fucken tree at me about the lack of them!!!

And I just keep getting the whole "you are getting a brand new house to rent for a hundred less than you'd get it on the market". Yes, I know but I also have to put up with my parents as landlord's and I also have to put up with the "rules" and I also have to put up with all the day to day shit of living in your property so get the fuck over yourself and sort it out.

I have two days left, Blair is away until Friday night with work, Phoebe has glandular fever so the girls can't go to preschool on their allocated days, I have two toddlers in my flipping face and I can't get a fucken thing done.

I have the most intense feeling of depression I've had for a while. And all this comes after the weekend from hell with Blair and I on verge of separating with issues beyond us.

I need alcohol I.V. administered STAT

Phoebe has ...

Glandular Fever.

Never thought I'd be so damn happy for a result to be glandular fever but considering the other option was leukaemia, I am ecstatic.

Thank you all so much for your concern.

Love to all. Hug your kids, kiss your loved ones, put a smile on your dial.

And still the sickness carrys on ....

Sian is sick again, virus.

Phoebe, not sure whats eating her.

She has been generally very tired for no reason, bleeding noses, dark rings under her eyes, bruises all over her, pinprick rash on her buttocks which won't go away with steroid cream even, grumpy, lost a bit of weight!! Now she has 5 really prominent lymph nodes in her neck enlarged but they aren't hurting her so at least that's a relief.

Off to the doctor today to see what's going on as I've never seen her with raised lymph nodes before. Hope she doesn't have strep throat or glandular fever!!! Fingers crossed.

I have had two very sick girls.

Flu of some sort, Dr has put them on antibiotics. Wee cherubs.

I am in the process of tidying out the office/study.

What a bloody mission.

How does one accumulate so much crap??

I am determined to clear it all out, I am over the whole clutter scenario.

Something about the prospect of moving into a new house is making me want to have a bare minimum of stuff to go into it.

So I am cleansing. Can only be a good thing.

I haven't been reading your blogs, I am sorry but I have had too much on. I will be back there soon. Promise.xx

This Indecision's Bugging Me.....

well, to be honest, it's not really anymore but thought that would be a great heading.

We are moving - again.

We have had an offer we just couldn't turn down. Mum and Dad have a beautiful brand new four bedroom home on a bare 10 acre block on the same road as them. It has been on the market for nearly a year now and isn't budging. They have been advised to drop $150K to sell it. Dad refuses to lose that much money but now the Insurance company won't insure it anymore as it has sat vacant for nearly a year. Enter us.

We move into this in four or five weeks:







It was a hard decision though, bus isn't as close, much more exposed than this place but:

spa bath in ensuite, double glazing, warm, 3 car garage, 3 bay shed, underfloor heating, paddocks, can have our OWN, chickens, pig, cow, cple sheep, HORSES!!!!! Rent the same. Won't go up while we live there for next couple of years, Mum and Dad at end of 500m driveway, across the road (great for kids before and after school when i start my equine course). Just too many pluses. Although Blair is a bit worried about the parental control issue and I am a wee bit too but we've lived in one of their rentals before and it was fine. So here's to another new step.

I'm decluttering as we speak, nothing like a new home to make you want to get rid of shite.

I have started horse riding lessons again.

Nowhere as easy as I remember it being!!

And for fuck's sake, could barely walk the first week after the first lesson. Third lesson tomorrow.

I am rocking this show.

Life Change

As you may have noticed, life has been a bit on the downward spiral.

Grab a cuppa and a snack, this is going to be a long one:

Long time followers will know that I suffer from depression. No, I don't get the blues, get "depressed", have a bad week etc. I suffer from a chemical imbalance in my brain where the serotonin doesn't get around it like is should. This makes me "suffer".

By suffer, I mean not cope, not sleep, not want to exist. I have known about my depression for 7 years since I was assessed by the psych emergency team and diagnosed as having clinical depression and social anxiety back in 2002 when I grabbed a knife and threatened to kill myself. Blair phoned the police because the poor guy didn't know what to do.

Upon further treatment, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and a full history with the clinical psychiatrist, it was determined that my depression has pretty much been something that has been with me since my teens. My paternal grandmother was hospitalised when my father was a child with depression. My maternal grandfather was a manic depressive. My mother has depression, not very well managed mind you. My brother has depression. It's in the blood.

As I swing towards the natural side of things I tend to look for natural alternatives first for any ailment I may have. This is one area in life where natural doesn't work for me. I struggle with having to be on medication but I also know that the desire to end my life becomes overwhelming when I am not.

When I was just about to turn 18, I had a miscarriage to an old boyfriend who I thought I was in love with. I didn't know I was pregnant but it was very hard on me mentally. We had split up the week before and it was so much emotional crap for me that it sent me into a spin. One night after a couple of games of touch rugby, a few too many beers and a party at my first ever flat, I walked out into the road and threw myself in front of an oncoming car. Unfortunately for me the car was doing 70km/h instead of the 50km/h it should have been doing. Fortunately for me the car was an old VW beetle, motor in back and low bumper, I got hit on the calves by the bumper, knees bended back, my back went up into the bonnet and my head went through the windscreen. I have a permanent reminder of that night in the big scar on my right shoulder where the windshield wiper indented me as I hurtled up the car. Unfortunately for me the driver was my old English head of department from High School, news spread fast.

I had a wee bit of forced counselling etc at this time but I never admitted, till many years later, that I actually threw myself in front of the car. I insisted I had been crossing the road to walk to the shop for ciggies.

Onward 9 years and I faced the loss of my dear aunt. My rock. My mentor, a lady I idolised and adored since a toddler. She taught me to ride, she was an angel walking, she loved me and I loved her, unconditionally. She was an owner trainer of thoroughbred racehorses and was the one who had encouraged me to specialise in Equine when I was doing my Veterinary Degree. Even when I fell pregnant after a one night stand, she didn't judge me, even though she was a devout Catholic. She supported me, she loved me. She had a fall off one of her horses at the beach and had a nagging back injury for a couple of months afterwards, finally got it sorted and found out that she had bone cancer. She died a painful death. She gave up on life and she let it take her very quickly. I was distraught at her passing.

That was 7 years ago.

Recently I was contacted by an old school friend on Facebook. She is now in her final year of her Veterinary Degree majoring in Equine. She lives on a 1,500 acre sheep and beef farm. She's living what was going to be my life. I wasn't jealous. I have no regrets, I am a firm believer that you every road you travel is in your own "itinerary". You live the life you are meant to, sure you have crossroads along the way that can affect the direction your travel takes you, but you make that choice so that is your destiny. That hasn't stopped this contact affecting me. Deeply. It has made me question what I can be in life. It has made me reevaluate my direction.

Two weeks ago I had a breakdown of sorts. Some of it was externally influenced but, mostly, it has been because the medication I have been on for the past two years has not been sufficient to get my serotonin levels to where they need to be. I am on 20mg of Citalopram a day and have now had that doubled to 40mg. I get reassessed in 2 weeks. I ignored the signs that this was happening, again. ** please, if you see the signs of depression in anyone or yourself, seek help before it takes over, please **

So I have hit rock bottom for the fourth time in my life and it has made me choose the road that I have longed to travel but never felt justified in taking.

I have given up my Naturopathy.

I start riding lessons on Saturday.

I have a riding assessment on Nov 16th.....

for admission to the National Certificate in Stable Practise.

My course starts in March. I am going to do three strands in Sport Horse, Thoroughbred Racing and Track Riding.

My youngest are starting preschool in two weeks for three days a week.

When I finish this course in December next year I plan to study (extramurally) the Bachelor of AgriScience majoring in Equine through Massey University, while working part time at a local stud or racing stables, giving me the knowledge to be the stud manager when I complete my study. I WILL own and train my own racehorse by 40 and I will own a stud/breeding farm.

I am on the first couple of kms of the road I long to travel. Destination unknown but I sure am going to enjoy the journey.

Rethinking....

I have rethought the situation, after you all devoted your time to commenting and loving me so much.

I have decided to cull a lot of you from Facebook, it's not personal, I'm just trying to keep some parts of my life separate. There are those of you that I click with hugely, you are long lost soul sisters or brothers, you are still there as I can see that as soon as we are in the same location we will click. Others, not so much, no offence meant at all but it's about me so grin and bear it.

I am going to keep this public but I have a lot to say soon.

I am struggling, very much, with depression - again.

I really am in the pits at the moment.

So bear with me.

Privatisation

I'm making my outspoken rantings private.

I will invite some of you without you needing to ask.

Anyone is welcome to request an invite, I will be keeping numbers very low though, so please don't be offended if I don't ask you, my life is currently in need of being a little less on display. I am also doing this with Facebook, cutting it right back so please don't be offended if you find you are no longer a buddy there, my life is just needing to be simplified.

To all those that have lurked and followed, thank you and keep well.

Jxx

What About Me?

It isn't fair ..... *think Shannon Noll*

I'm in a bit of a funk.

I have not one reason to feel funky like this.

But I do.

And it sucks.

Life would be so much easier if we didn't have these human minds.

I think I'd prefer to be a lioness, who has a much higher risk of death and starvation, but doesn't have to fuck around with thought processes and over analytical shite going on in her head. She is born, grows up with the guidance of the pride. She then hardens up and deals with life. She mates, has cubs, and does what her mother did, what her mother's mother did, what her mother's mother's mother did and so on....

She doesn't ponder if she's sailing her soul's ship in the right direction.

She doesn't worry about her self image.

She doesn't fear social interaction.

She doesn't procrastinate or she dies.

She doesn't decide to go off and try a new career as an elephant.

She doesn't choose to put herself first, or last.

She just lives her predetermined path in life and that is the way nature intended it.

I need to find my inner feline.

If You Read One Post Today .....

This is the one to read:

Clarity and Certainty

It is written by Craig Harper and is just fantastic, so very timely for me.

Let me know if it was timely for you.

Confessions of a Bad Mother

Tuesday night we had Pizza Hutt for dinner (sodium laden shite that it is).

Phoebe (child no 3) is gluten free due to being labelled gluten sensitive 2 and a half years ago.

She refuses to eat anything with gluten in it. Which is good.

I couldn't be arsed driving the 35 minutes into Christchurch to get a gluten free Pizza for her from Hell Pizza, soooooo ....

I got her a little Pizza Hutt pizza and told her it was gluten free.

I know, I am a terrible mother.

For Spiky

Last, but not least, as a conclusion to the Voyeur subject, darling Spiky wanted to know my dreams ........ I take it she doesn't mean those smutty but gorgeous ones that I have where I'm ...............

So here goes Toni, my inner dreams, past and present:

When I was young I always knew I would have kids in my twenties, I was never clucky, never into babies, I just knew.

I was a whizz at school, I was popular but never the most popular. I always love horses, like LOVED horses.

In my early teens I dreamt of being a journalist, I was fucken great at writing, was top of my classes in English and was inquisitive by nature. I delved into it in my fifth form English class, entered an essay in a bid to become a youth journalist for the Wellington's evening post. I succeeded. I wrote a couple of stories but was disillusioned by it all, what I wrote wasn't what was printed, the general gist of it was there but not word for word, that fucked me off, to be honest.

I settled on Veterinary, that was what I would be, doctor to all animals, friend of the little creatures....

A bad boyfriend in my 17th year ended those hopes as I became obsessed with being part of a couple, obsessed with being his girl. I miscarried and he dumped me, all in the same week, actually he dumped me and then I miscarried, not aware I was pregnant. It was harsh for a 17 year old. Especially one who thought she was in love....

I left school, my dreams were non existent, life revolved around drinking, working and the eagerness to please and to be accepted, the social anxiety pushed under by the alcohol, the desperation for that feeling of being needed, random sex filled that gap for me. Things got really bad, I existed week upon week, socially I was a ball of laughs, could drink any of the boys under the table, could party till dawn and do it all again the next day. I lost my job, I was a drunken mess really. I moved back home and my parents rekindled that desire in me to make something of my life, that desire to learn. I applied to Veterinary School, I got accepted into the initial intake. As the previous post mentioned, I became pregnant unexpectedly.

I again threw away any dreams. It is timely that an old school friend has recently contacted me via Facebook and she is living my old dream. She is in her last year of studying to be an Equine Vet, she is also engaged to her man and they live on a 1,500 acre sheep and beef farm, really it couldn't get any closer to my old dream.

This has really rattled me to say the least. It's all fine and dandy to have had dreams, lost dreams, dreams that change, but when someone else who never had your dream on her cards, appears and shows you what could have been, well it makes you question the grander scheme of things a bit.

I could be all wanky and say that my dreams have all come true with the four beautiful children I have, my loving husband and my place in the world ..... but I'd be lying. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't give up what I have for the world, this is my life, I wouldn't give back a thing, but it doesn't mean that I don't have dreams, old and new.

I am studying to be a Naturopath, I believe in natural and holistic approaches to health play a great part in the success of our world's future. But it is not my "dream" to be a naturopath.

I do dream of living on my own patch of land, hopefully quite a big patch, I do dream of breeding horses, of learning every day about something new, of being passionate and loving and loved. I do dream of being motivated and I dream of being beautiful to myself. I dream of living free from the shackles of depression, I dream of unbridled lust being a large factor in my marriage. I dream of growing old, but not having it easy, earning my place on the porch watching my grandkids. I dream of travelling, of seeing the places I learn about, of experiencing the things I hear about, of feeling the joy of new sights. I dream of being healthy and I dream of being free. Free to be who I want to be without the shackles of constraint, without the worry of what others think.

But most of all, I dream for the dream to make itself clear to me, for my dreams to be clear in my minds eye, for my own mind to be able to settle enough for me to actually realise what my true dreams are.....

I dream of knowing the path to that realisation.

For U

My dear friend U has asked me to surprise him, I'm using this as an opportunity to get some feedback on a very difficult issue that plagues me and will for a while, it's my skeleton in my closet:

In 1998 I had left Christchurch, aged 22 years and headed to Massey University in Palmerston North to study to become a Veterinarian. I was already a qualified veterinary nurse but knew I could achieve more and was quite desperate to get away from Christchurch and a bad triangular relationship. I looked at studying Naturopathy in Auckland or studying Veterinary Science at Massey. I chose the Veterinary because I didn't think I could comply with the wishes of the Wellpark College in Auckland that asked you to not consume alcohol in your spare time, I was a bit of a drinker at that time.

I headed to summer school at Massey early January to catch up on some Physics, Maths and Chemistry because I'd been out of the studying game for a few years.
I jumped into it feet first and absolutely loved the brain extension I was getting from the study. A couple of weeks into my Veterinary, February 22nd to be exact, I had a brief liaison with a lovely young man after an Orientation Comedy night at the Uni. Headed into town and proceeded to have my wallet stolen. I was alone and in a club in the middle of a small city where I knew no one other than the younger teens that had been living at my hostel during summer school. I had just moved into a flat the week before and was considering my options to getting home when this lovely young guy came up and started yarning away. He knew the bar staff and got them to do a check and one of them ended up finding my wallet in the alley out the back. All the money was gone but the cards were there so I was sussed. I thanked the guy by buying him a drink. We got to talking about life and study and old flames, we'd both been burnt. We decided to share a taxi as he lived in my direction. Funnily, he never got out of the taxi until my place. At that point I knew he had more in mind than sharing a cab. I thought he was really nice, not my type but a pleasant guy, into his rugby etc and I went with the flow rather than say no. I have since found through counselling that this is the classic response of a rape victim, say yes first before you get the option taken from you. He came in, we bonked at least four times over the night. In the morning he left, all I knew was his nickname, as he walked out I asked why people called him this particular nickname, he pulled out his driver's license and showed me his name and said "because my mother was cruel". His first two names were extremely uncool. I didn't even see the last one, I laughed and agreed that the nickname was better. All I knew about him, from out conversations during the night, was that he was from a certain wee town way up north, he was in his final year of a double degree at Massey and he was a year younger than me.

5 weeks later I discovered I was pregnant. This had been my only liaison with anyone (other than a pash up session with Blair a week before I left for Palmerston North, he was still a friend at this stage remember??) for months so I knew who the father was. I just didn't know who the father was!!!

I did a bit of searching, went through the graduation lists, searched through the rugby clubs via a mate, kept my eyes out at Uni, just never found him.

I then moved back to Christchurch.

In my last trimester of pregnancy I searched again, I went through the microfiche records at the public library of all the children born in 1976. My friend helped me and we got to I and gave up.

I had Peta on the 21st November, 1998. She changed my life for the better. I was independent, living on my own, doing my thing and being a great Mum.

Then when Peta was 5 months old Blair and I got together and never parted. We were old friends with a history of lust for each other and it just developed into more. He immediately became Peta's Dad and always will be. At four or five years old Peta started realising that she was a bit different in colouring to Dad and her little brother Ben. She started drawing pictures of the family at school and her and I were pink and Ben was light brown and Dad was dark brown. We knew it was time to tell her that she had a different biological father. Being the typical woman, I had a big event planned, get Ben babysat, take Peta for a special picnic and tell her. Blair was more nervous than I, the fear of rejection from her was forefront in his mind. That evening, after we'd first discussed that we needed to tell her, Blair went upstairs to say goodnight and came back down about 20 minutes later and said "It's done". What's done?? "I told her", "you fucken what???". I was gutted, this was something I had planned and had much angst over for years and here he had just waltzed up there and told her without me even being involved. He said good night to her and then asked her if she loved Daddy, she said yes. He then said, you do know you have another Dad, one that made you, Mummy was with him and they made you but he wasn't around anymore so me and Mum got together and I am your Dad now. She just smiled and said "Don't worry Dad, you're my Dad and I love you". He had the response he wanted.

She was brilliant about it, asked a few questions, does every now and then but is, all and all, quite grounded about it all. If we had done it my way it could have gone wrong with all the hype that I would have had going on. Blair did it in a subtle, without drama, sort of way and it worked brilliantly, bugger that he is.

Back to the guy.

Every now and then I would search his first two names in Old Friends of FindaFriend or one of those things and then go to the high school in the wee town he went to and try and find photos of the rugby team etc. Just to have the details for her. But was never to any avail. Then came the advent of Facebook. Last January a mate was here staying and she queried me about whether I'd ever looked into it any more. I said no, she wondered if I'd looked on Facebook, I admitted I hadn't even thought of it.

That night I, when Blair and everyone else was asleep I searched his first two names.

And there he was, my god, he was so like Peta. I txt my mate immediately, "Holy hell, what have I done??". She went on, searched him too and found out that an ex boyfriend of his was on the guy's friends list. She emailed him and said "hey, see ........... on your friend's list, i think I know him, where is he from, what's he do with himself?" Almost immediately she found out that he was living in Hong Kong and a banker and holy crap!! I knew his last name, I could contact him right there and then if I wanted to.

I told Blair about it that night, he was less than impressed that I'd gone behind his back, he felt threatened, which is fair enough, then he over reacted and said if I didn't contact the guy he would and just went all emotional and crap about it. My parents also reacted the same, "Why bother at this point, what was I hoping to achieve, Peta was quite happy, wait until she's 18 and then has the option of finding out for herself, what if this guy couldn't have kids, what if he wanted nothing to do with her but his parents were friends of a QC, and being a Hong Kong banker he would have all the money at his disposal to contest custody, it would be okay if you could be a fly on the wall watching his life for 3 months and find out what sort of person he was and then make the decision......" and on it went. I ended up letting it die a natural death and didn't mention it again. I have printed out his picture and written his details down, and details of that night, it's all in an envelope in our files marked "for Peta", should anything happen to me.

I feel justified in my decision but I also feel terrible that the guy has a child he doesn't know about. I think I am doing the right thing, I will never know, we can only but make out decisions based on the information we have at hand on any particular day..... I just hope that my skeleton in my closet doesn't come out to haunt me down the track. I definitely think he needs to know and so does Peta, New Zealand is way too small a place, she could hook up with his son at university and never know she's dating her own brother, it so easily could happen. It's a cross I bear.

A Wee Bit More.....

I took some photos of all the feral children together over the weekend and a horse for Kym, LOL. Be prepared for heaps of photos.

Your Wish is My Command....

Here we go then:

LaLa, sadly there was not one thing in my bag other than two lip glosses. I am a very minimal person but here goes the proof anyway:

Kym, I don't have a horse, there are a couple across the river that belong to the landlord's daughter, I can take photos of them next time I'm there, your yard photos are grouped amongst the house ones.

Cazzie, I did attempt this but my camera only records 25secs so I flagged it but took shitloads of photos for you to get the idea.

Front lawn looking to house:

house end of the driveway:

Bill the rooster and Salt the hen (there is another one called Pepper)

Some little purple flowers at the base of an apricot tree.

Back of the house and the kids play equipment.

View to the right off the verandah, the property we are on goes all the way across the river up to where the forest starts in far distance:

The shed where I sort the recycling:

Side of house, bay window is in the kitchen:

Double internal access garage, yeah right, LOL:

The two youngest ferals in the back area:

The beautiful patch of fragrant violets by the driveway, near the willow tree:

At the edge of the lawn looking up the driveway towards the road:

Looking left off the verandah

Standing at the sliding door looking out over the front lawn and verandah:

The back door showing how bloody big the tree in the front is:

The end of the road, where it goes to the river:

If you are looking down the driveway this is what you see to the right, these are organic sheep grazing in a certified organic orchard, the front orchard.

This is looking back up the little road to the main road, everything to the left is the property we are on, everything to the right is psychotic Mr Brown's, his trees are the ones handing precariously over the our road, he didn't get them sorted for a week, and had plans for them to stay like this for 3 weeks, he had told the contractor there was no hurry, he's a barstard:

Looking down the driveway to the Ranch house:

Looking left from the front lawn to the lower orchard which is starting to blossom:

Spiky, yours is a post on it's own, coming very soon.

U, your surprise is my skeleton in my closet. I will reveal all in your own dedicated post.

Chris, have to round the kids up in all their feral glory and get a nice family photo, coming very soon.

Ute, good god woman, do you think I'd arse around with a blog if I owned a ute?? You will have to be content with my property shots above and this cream yourself Holden:

Anne, you're covered.

Middle Child, kitchen and wardrobe as requested, your family shots are previously shown.

The fire in the kitchen with my little toaster pantry with all my oils, herbs etc and on the top shelf is the medicine and herbs.

And another shot




My big farm kitchen

The wardrobe

It has a window in it, nice!Note the complete lack of clothing, Blair's is the lower rack, mine the higher!!

The monthly wall planner in the kitchen

Kitchen again

Kitchen looking back towards the lounge
Kitchen look out through the sliding doors to the massive laundry and the back door.